Self Care and Washing Machines

My washing machine makes this noise as it's going from one cycle to another.  It sounds kind of like an airplane taking off.  The moment it hits the next cycle (rinse?  I dunno), it has this very anticlimactic "THUD" and then it kicks into a lower gear.  Before you become concerned about the well-being of our appliances, let me assure you that it is fine.  This is par for the laundry-washing course.

Lately, the frantic-ness of life has felt a lot like that machine.  The violent hum of gearing up... you can almost tangibly feel the anticipation and chaos... and then THUD. Stop.

Historically, I have lived my life in this same pattern.  I used to say that one of the reasons God allowed me to have asthma was so that I would have an automatic shut-off valve.  When my busyness got to be too much, I would have an attack and be forced to shut down.  As I have gotten "more experienced" (and gotten better asthma maintenance drugs!), that seems to happen less and less.

But lately, I've been in that crazy spin cycle longing for the sloshing sounds of "rinse".

I felt myself being stretched to a point that wasn't possible.

I let my laundry pile up beyond the normal mountain it already was.

I allowed my family to eat out more than we cooked because of pure convenience.

I started my days in full "GO!" mode and went until I crashed- sometimes as early as 7:00pm.

And then... I stepped back.

Realizing that the last 2 years of grief had altered my body as I knew it, I assessed the situation.  What did I need to do to make things right?  Who did I need to talk to?  What should I say "no" to in my schedule?

This is not one of those blog posts where I let you know of the success of this endeavor.  I am not here to report "And thanks to Jesus and good medication, I'm fine!"

I am still wading through the evaluation.

Still catching myself in moments that I hear the hum escalate.

Still wanting to be more mindful, to feel more whole.

But here is what I can tell you: I am worth it.

I am important enough to take time for myself.

I am worthy of rest.

This is said not out of vanity or pride... but out of a basic understanding that I was made for so much more than frenetic days and harried thoughts.

As 2014 began, I challenged myself to jot down one thing I'd done for myself a day.  ONE THING.  Early in January I wrote down these treasures:
* Took a glass of wine and a book to the bath.
* Watched mindless TV and didn't multitask while doing it.
* Took a nap while Dan and E watched a movie.
* Washed my face with really good skin products

Then... the baby joined our family and we went into survival mode.  In all honesty, when I thought back to those treasures, I felt spoiled... the next few weeks were spent just getting by.

Thankfully, we're not just getting by anymore.  We are learning how to survive this crazy thing of loving someone else's child, and we're adding her to our joy.

And now that we've gotten past the crisis of "Triage Mode", I think it's time to remember my goal of self care.

Would you join me?

I have heard so many of you already cry out to Summer Angst... your kids have already reeked havoc on your house and your sanity.  So how about committing to finding ONE thing a day that is JUST FOR YOU.  Maybe you'll treat yourself to an iced latte, or a new pen, or a beer on your porch at night. Maybe you'll go on that vacation and not take your stack of thank you notes to work on... but you'll just enjoy the moment.  Maybe you'll finish that book or call that friend or paint your nails... but make it about you.

I believe that I- and you- have worth because we were created by One who desires more for us.  Whether or not you share my belief... please trust me when I say that you are worth it.

In this busy world in which we all live- we tend to put others' needs before our own.

This summer, how about taking some time for you?

You. Are. Worth. It.

I am a freakin' hypocrite. (Volume One)

This summer was full.  VERY full.  BLOCK Party, camps, Camp of Kids, vacations, etc... usually, we have lots to do in the summer, but at some point my brain can shut down.  Unfortunately, that was not this summer.  My brain won't stop spinning these days.  I'm learning a lot about me and about other people... and the biggest thing I wrestled with this summer is this:

I am a freakin' hypocrite.

Seriously.

I am one of those.

I'm not the typical "Christian" variety you may be thinking of:  I'm not the gal who preaches one thing and practices another in regards to those big-ticket items that we Christians love to harp on.  I'm all for drinkin' and dancin' (and have found that while they go together often in my life, both have to be done in moderation... for the benefit of all around).  I'm not going to tell you how Jesus hates it when you curse then turn around and drop the F-bomb... I'm straight up in telling you that I love Jesus and I'm certain I make him cringe with some of the things I say.  Me and Jesus?  We're tight.  And I want to live authentically because of that.

No, I'm not the stereotypical hypocrite... I'm the more subtle variety.  (And this may be the only thing in my life I'm subtle about.)  Let me see if I can work this out...

Q: Do I want you to ignore the things in my past that are less than flattering?
A: Absolutely.
Q: Do I tend to keep score about the things in my past that you did to me that are less than flattering?
A: You betcha.

Q: Do I want you to help me process through things with sweet Dan when he says or does things that are jerky then immediately move past them?
A: Yep.
Q: Will I remember jerky things that your significant other said to you and store them in my "Why he/she doesn't love you well enough" File?
A: Fo' sho'.

Q: Do I expect you to give me freedom to live as God is calling me to live, even if it doesn't look like your way?
A: Completely.
Q: Will I look at your way and often make assumptions that it's not as "good" as mine?
A: Umm... maybe...

Q: Do I want you to give me large sums of money?
A: Uh-huh.
(That was just to see if you are paying attention.)

Now don't hear me wrong... I don't file away every single thing that you or others do and say and keep score about how to use those later.  I don't have the time, energy, or brain power left to do all of that.  But several times recently I've been made aware that I am asking one thing of my friends (forgiveness of them or others) and yet I've not been practicing it in my life.  I am excited and passionate about what I'm learning and want others to catch that same vision... yet I've realized that when they don't want to catch it, see it, hear it... I, well, um, maybe just a little... judge them.

That whole "Love keeps no record of wrongs" junk?  Puh-lease.

I'm working on it, people.  I hope you are too... when I get to the point that I'm free of judgement, I want to be surrounded by people who are free from that, too.  Just this morning I was reading one of Jen Hatmaker's books (which you ALL should read... seriously, she's hysterical and dead-on) Out of the Spin Cycle: Devotions to Lighten your Motherload.  She talked about just this point- and said that we have to accept our own junk.  We can be stripped down to the barest of who we are and it's cool... because we are accepting our sin and moving beyond that.  We won't be defined by who we were in the past or what we've done.

I'm willing to stand in that... you?

Confessions of a Night Manager, Volume Two

I had a meeting at our house a couple of weeks ago and someone noticed my old nametag from the RMH on my refrigerator.  She turned to me and said "Now I see why you're so organized!  You used to be the Night Manager at the RMH!"

Hmm.

Uh...

Yeah.  Except for not.

Sometimes I feel like I am bi-polar when when it comes to being organized, on-the-ball, whatever.  And this is why:

1. Three times in the last 6 weeks I've forgotten to take meals to people that I was signed up to deliver.  And I got email reminders about all 3 of them.  Uh-huh.  (I could give my reasons I've forgotten them, but that doesn't matter.  3 families expected me to bring them food... and I failed.)

2. My guest bedroom is full to overflowing with clothes... clean clothes (mostly)... which have been washed, dried, and folded- but not put up.  Company comes, so we scurry to do something with them, so they get piled in the guest bedroom... some to have to be re-ironed later.

3. I just finished TONIGHT my thank you notes from people caring for me after my surgery.  Which was over 5 months ago.  (Don't tell my mom.  I was raised better than this, people.)

4. I just remembered to mail someone a payment for something they sent me 6 weeks ago.

5. I have things in our stairway going down to the garage that have needed to be put "in place" for weeks... but the problem is the place to put them is still so cluttered, there's no room.

It's a vicious cycle.

Yet I WANT to be organized.  I WANT to be on-the-ball... and not even to impress people with my on-the-ballness, but for my own sanity.  I am involved in a lot of different things- when I'm not on top of my to-do lists and my calendar, I fear that I will forget a big commitment- even bigger than providing meals- and something important will suffer.  Ugh.

But tonight, as I was beating myself up for being so delinquent in writing thank you notes, I realized that there was something beautiful I could teach my daughter in all of this.  Instead of having to teach her, she showed me that she already gets it:

Mid-way through her seeing me writing thank you notes, she asked if she could write one.  She wrote it to our friend Savannah, for a toy Savannah gave E last year for her birthday.  We'd already written the "official" thank you note after getting the gift (a lot late, probably)... but E was inspired to write another one today.  Because today she was playing with it- and was reminded how much she loved it- and that made it important for her to write the note.

Well, she got inspired, and continued to write notes.

This one was for our babysitter, Miss Anna.  E was thinking of things she was thankful for and wanted Anna to know she was thankful for her... and her letting E play with playdough.  (She ended the note with "I hope we can be together again soon.)

When we got to church later, E's friend Becca came to sit with us.  E decided then to tell Becca how much she loved her.  Becca reciprocated by telling E "I am your best friend."  (Gosh, I love little girls.)  (Becca also said, when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday "I want Elizabeth to come to my party."  Now THAT is a sweet girl.  E would surely have asked for Mermaid Dora.)

What I love about my girl is that she gets how important it is to say thank you... she gets that it's important to say "I love you".  And because she doesn't have the unfortunate self-imposed guidelines that I do, she doesn't care if her thank you notes are prompt or just later when she realizes just how great the gift is.

I think that a thank you like that is far more genuine.

So those of you who haven't gotten a thank you from me yet?  For surgery or whatever?  Know that I'm thankful.  Because I am.  And I may remember a year from now when I'm thinking about your yummy salad dressing.  (I'm talking to you, ML.)  Or your tasty chocolate cherry cake (Yep, HM.)  Or that you were willing to, once again, hang out with my kid (thanks, MH, and JF, and MM, and....)  I am thankful.  Whether or not I told you in a way that would make Emily Post or my Momma proud is one thing... but what I taught my daughter about gratitude is another.

One day I want to be organized enough that when people hear I used to work at the RMH, it's a logical correlation.  But I didn't work there because I was super-organized or on-the-ball (sorry, RMH Board... the cat is out of the bag now!).... I worked there because I have a big heart and want to love people- even if it doesn't look  like it's "supposed" to.