Elizabeth and Advent

This afternoon I was waiting on a friend in Old Salem.  We were *finally* going to attend the Candle Tea together.  While I'm ashamed that it's taken me 11 years of living in Winston to go, I won't throw her under the bus and point out that this was her first time in 19 years.  (See what I just did there?)

As I was waiting, the line behind me grew and an older woman kept saying "Elizabeth!  Elizabeth!"  She was calling to her daughter who had let her out of the car and gone to park.  Later, her Elizabeth went off to the bakery in search of Sugar Cake, and her mom again called out to her "Elizabeth!  Elizabeth!" We shared a moment- as strangers tend to do with people named Waldrup- and began to talk about names.

My sweet Elizabeth's name was on the forefront of my mind as our time came for the Tea and we were admitted to the Single Brother's house.  Much to my surprise, I came face to face with one of the best parts of my 2013- a friend that I gained through my grief group this summer.  She was playing the part of hostess today, so we grabbed only a quick moment to speak, but the hug from my soul sister on this journey was both sacred and life-giving.

It wasn't until we were downstairs that my mind wandered back to my friend... and I spent time thinking of her sweet daughter who I never had the joy to meet.  Her precious girl- Elizabeth- was taken from this world as a teenager.  Seeing my friend living out loud years past her daughter's death is awe-inspiring and hope-producing.  Seeing someone who keeps her daughter's life alive to those she meets as well as who is honest with the pain and the grief... that... that is real.

We eventually entered a room in which the Nativity was laid before us- both in word and in sight.  I have shared with those close to me this year (and now I share with all of you) that 2013 has been a tough year for me spiritually.  I have sought wise counsel, given myself grace, and am daily working through my confusion and frustration with a God who is Big Enough to handle all of that.  I have worked through my anger with how His People care for one another- and some of the hurtful things that we say all while using His Name as power.

Yet as I found myself in front of the Nativity, I was again drawn to Elizabeth.

We chose to name our daughter Elizabeth because of the connection we felt to Biblical women who struggled with fertility.  Elizabeth in the New Testament- cousin of Mary (mother of Jesus)- shows up and we are told her story.  And a lot of her story is told in relation to the story of Jesus.  When Mary came to tell Elizabeth that she was pregnant, this is the account according to Luke:

³⁹ A few days later Mary hurried to the hill country of Judea, to the town ⁴⁰ where Zechariah lived. She entered the house and greeted Elizabeth. ⁴¹ At the sound of Mary’s greeting, Elizabeth’s child leaped within her, and Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit.

⁴² Elizabeth gave a glad cry and exclaimed to Mary, “God has blessed you above all women, and your child is blessed. ⁴³ Why am I so honored, that the mother of my Lord should visit me?⁴⁴ When I heard your greeting, the baby in my womb jumped for joy. ⁴⁵ You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said.”

As Elizabeth is pregnant with her own child, that has nothing to do with her response to Mary.  Unlike so many women (present company included) I know, her response was not "YAY!  We can have babies together!!"  Her response was genuine joy for her cousin, reverence for being the presence of God, and admiration of Mary for her faith.

And in the midst of trials of faith and dark nights of the soul- that is what a I long for.  I long for someone to look at my life and say the words "You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what He said."  While I am not there in this moment, I look to Elizabeth for encouragement.  She was a woman who knew her God, and a woman who loved her family well because of it.

In these last few days in which we celebrate the Advent- the coming of Christ- I wish for us all to have a true encounter with Jesus.  While I don't know lots about how God works- I know that His son is good and kind and generous to those He loves.

And lucky for us all- we are those that He loves.

Oh come, let us adore Him.

To my girl, on her birthday.

Happy Birthday, Elizabeth!  You are SIX!!!  How in the world did THAT happen?!?!?!?  Oh, right... I remember...

Six years ago, I enjoyed lunch one Friday afternoon with Miss Debbie.  I still tease her that her U-turn in the middle of a busy road is the reason I went into early labor.  When your Daddy and I went in for my doctor's appointment later that afternoon, the doctor confirmed that you were likely going to come early.  After a weekend of celebrating with friends and preparing for a possible early arrival,  I went into work Monday afternoon like "normal".  I had spoken with the doctor's office earlier and they let me know if I didn't feel you moving around anymore that it would be time to go to the hospital.  Sure enough, as I sat in the RMH office, you weren't moving around.  Your Daddy recommended we should head to the hospital "just in case"... we were still thinking you would stick around longer since you were not due until November 9.

The doctors let us know when we arrived at the hospital that I couldn't feel you moving around because you had already moved into the birth canal.  We were going to see you early after all!!  We walked around the hospital for about an hour trying to get you moving quicker, but then determined we'd be better off to get some sleep and see you the next day instead.  That told us your birthday would be October 17- you would share that day with my Grandmother.  Even though she died before you were born, so much of you reminds me of her-- your big heart, your long fingers, your love for Jesus.  I know she would be so proud of you!

At 5:00am on Tuesday the 17th, your Daddy and I were awoken to a scary, startling moment- we experienced our first earthquake!!  The whole hospital shook and no one was sure what had happened.  Earthquakes aren't usual in Winston-Salem!  But we still tease that the earth shook with excitement upon your arrival... you shook up our lives and apparently everyone else's too. 

Wide awake and a little freaked out, we all laughed when shortly after 5:00am your Mimi walked through the door.  I had called her the night before to tell her I was going to have you early.  She wasn't able to sleep once she knew you were on the way, so she hopped in her car and headed to meet you.  Once it was daylight, I called Dadaw to let him and Nanny know you were coming early.  2 hours after talking to Dadaw, he walked through the door, too.  He said he just couldn't concentrate at Home Depot after I called and walked around the store saying "My baby is having a baby!"  Your Mimi, Nanny, and Dadaw were all so proud of you.  Your Mimi gave you her sense of order and diligence, your "femininity", your tender heart.  Your Nanny gave you a love of learning, your patience with others, your adaptable heart.  Your Dadaw gave you your sense of humor, your ability to laugh at yourself, your kind heart.


We enjoyed some time with Mimi and Dadaw before the doctor came in to break my water.  (And Dadaw left as that happened- he wanted no part of that!)  After several hours of labor and a very short amount of time pushing, out you were.  Remember this part?  This is the part of the story you love so much.  You came out so quickly, the doctor wasn't even in the room yet!!  Your Daddy had to help deliver you- what an honor.  Your Daddy gave you your wisdom, your insight, and your compassionate heart.  He is so proud of you.  When you came out, Daddy looked at me through a tear-streaked face and said "It's a girl and she's perfect."  Mimi said, "She has 10 fingers and 10 toes!"  And I said, "She's purple."  Leave it to me to make a moment magical...

The doctors cleaned you up and handed you to me to snuggle.  The first of hours and hours of snuggling we would do.  We snuggled through your brief stint in the NICU with jaundice.  We snuggled through your colicky phase.  Through losing lots of loved ones.  Through big celebrations!  We snuggled every morning on the couch in that golden moment when you just woke up and needed some Momma Time.  We snuggled when you were nervous about school.  We snuggled when you were proud about having a Blue Day!  We have snuggled through so many hours... and in those moments, I experience God's love in the most tangible of ways.  In fact, I gave you your love of snuggling, your messy side, and your social heart.

 Last night as I laid with you in your bed and we talked about really hard things, I prayed over you.  I prayed God's protection for not only your life, but over your heart.  Your special heart that is made up of all of the people I love so much.  And this story only involves "my" side of the family!  I'll let your Daddy share with you the blessings you got from Grammy and Pop... blessings that include knowledge, attention to others, persistence, and loyalty to name a few.

In your six years of life, you've had more heartache than some people have in sixty... and for that I'm so sorry.  I'm sorry that you've had people you love die, you've had people you love leave, and you've had promises broken.  As you begin this sixth year of your life, I celebrate your life and your heart.  I'm honored to be your Mom.  From the first moment we heard your heartbeat, we knew you would be special.  We had no idea just how special you would be... and I can't wait to see what lies ahead.

Happy birthday, sweet girl.

early bedtimes and living intentionally.

Yesterday, E just couldn't get a grip on herself.  Before church she had cried at least 2 times... getting frustrated over everything.  She got mad at me when I combed her hair with a comb rather than allowing her to continue to use the plastic fork which was giving her not much success.  She was angry and weepy about everything we said.

After church, we had lunch with friends... and she was just fine... until it was time to leave.  She walked out of their house without even a real goodbye to our friend and pouted the whole way home.  And then the whole way to Home Depot.  And then the whole way home again.

The climax of this pout came when she asked if we could go swimming and we said no, which caused a magnitude of tears and teenage-sounding lines.  She managed to pull it together for a bit... but couldn't maintain the together-ness long enough to even finish dinner.  So with only a few bites of a baked potato eaten, she went to bed.

Before 6:00pm.

(Please note, DSS, we were not withholding food from our child.  She chose to skip dinner in favor of some solitude.  I promise we'll feed her well when she wakes up.  We don't let children go hungry.)

I feel quite certain that yesterday's behavior was E's way of sorting through the emotions of a previously packed two weeks.  As we've seen with her time and time again, even when her packed schedule is packed with goodness... she still needs time of nothingness to unpack.

Her Mom tends to be the same way.  Historically, when I would cram too much in to my schedule, my body would shut down with an asthma attack.  While this still happens, it happens far less now that I have the winning combination of good medicine and a husband who "makes" me slow down every now and then.

But even when I maintain life at a good pace, my heart and mind still race.  My emotions get as jumbled as E's do... I just usually have more coping skills to fake it better.  The introverted part of me (yes, there is one) desperately requires time alone- to think, to clean, to sit, to read, to be still... and when that part is neglected, I crumble... just like my wee one.

Dan and I are constantly making adjustments to our schedule to make sure that both of us have the "down time" needed to keep peace in our home.  This morning, my quest for peace came in a laundry washing- Quiet Time having- coffee drinking start to the day.  (Side note?  I also have discovered recently that my "state of calm" is in direct correlation to how much junk is on my kitchen counter.)  Today, while I attempt to keep peace and order in my home, I'll also be nailing down some details to close out Daddy's estate.  It seems bizarre that not even 130 days ago, my life looked so completely different.  Friday I was on the phone with a friend and as I said to her "I just miss my Daddy...", the tears came and couldn't stop.  Finding peace now looks so different than it did then... but it is peace nonetheless.

The irony of my word this year is that it is "intentional".  So funny that I felt led back in January to speak a word into my life which would cause me to pause and be aware of every most decisions I make.  So funny that before I even knew how this would feel, I was preparing my heart to intentionally choose it's response.

My heart fluctuates between being a jumbled mess and at peace... and the peace only comes from Jesus.  I have become more and more dependent on Him in this season.  That doesn't mean that in the midst of this I've made all wise intentional choices... but they have (for the most part) been intentional.  And like Miss E, I've sent myself to bed early a couple of nights because I knew that was what was best- for all of us.

But here's to a new day.  And a new week.  And a (almost) new month.  Here's to making intentional choices about how we spend our time, our money, our energy, and our emotions.  Here's to Doing Good for those around us.  Here's to starting our day on a positive note- looking toward the One who created it.

And here's to making it last until bedtime... which will hopefully be later than 6:00pm.

Why I love this kid...

 first day of school sass...

 look at Jack trying to get away...

 and her confusion of his "getting away"...

 clearly, he's not impressed with my stealth photo taking.

 but she loves him enough to make him a picture that says "I love Jack"

 and write in her journal all about her good day...

  and she loves to play frisbee with her dogs

 ...this one has never been happier...

and neither has she.

Holy cow, I love this kid.

Jesus has homework...

... if you were wondering.

How do I know?

Because Elizabeth called heaven yesterday.

On our way to Raleigh, we started talking about how much we both miss Nanny.  When I tried to impersonate Nanny's infectious laugh and E and I were both crying, she said she wished she could talk to her again... so she picked up her fake phone (the strap on her carseat) and called heaven.  Here was the play-by-play.

E: "I just dialed God's number.... now it's ringing.... Okay, Jesus answered... I asked to speak to Nanny... Hi, Nanny!  I miss you!  I wish you could come back to the earth.  What?  Oh, okay... I love you... bye.

Mommy, Nanny said she had to go because she had to help Jesus with His homework."

Me: "What kind of homework did He have?"

E: "I don't know... something about a lot of mail paperwork."

So, if you've sent a letter to Jesus lately, know that a response is on it's way... He's got some help from a great tutor.

My Girl Likes to Party All The Time...

E had her first sleepover last night with her buddy, Ella.  E has been asking for a sleepover forever, and we offered this one as a "help" to Ella's mom who has a one-month old at home (and a 2-year-old... but we weren't so much help there...), but let's be real... this was more to "help" Elizabeth.

The girls were hysterical.  They played while we got dinner ready, played after dinner, gave us a fashion show, watched half of a movie and went to bed just when I told them to.  Then, 2 hours later after loads of giggles, I laid down on E's bed with her to help them calm down a bit- and within 5 minutes they were asleep (and I was out in 10... then I moved to my own bed.)  This morning, they came- full speed, full volume- into our bedroom to let me know that they'd heard a noise downstairs and went to investigate but when they got there realized that no one was there and that we'd just left on a lamp and did we not know that leaving on a lamp means wasting energy.  (Whew.)  I apologized for my energy wasting, groggily stumbled downstairs to press "play" on the paused DVD, and fumbled my way to the coffee pot.  (Thank you, Jesus, for reminding me to buy coffee yesterday while I was in Target.)

We've got a full morning ahead, but the overnight part?  Total success.  And the girls' behavior?  Success.

I pray for Elizabeth's friendships on a regular basis.  I pray that she would make good choices in those friendships- that she would associate with people who will build her up and not tear her down.  I remember too vividly what hard moments I had in friendships (and sometimes still have, to be honest) and I want her to be surrounded to people who bring out the best in her, and vice versa.

If last night is any indication, it's never too early to pray this... because God blessed their time together in big ways.  And let's not lie- these two have loved each other like siblings for their entire little lives... sometimes not being as kind to each other as necessary.  But last night they were so excited to be in each other's presence that none of that mattered... they just loved each other.

It may take me 14 days to get our house put back together, but I think it's all worth it... and I'm looking forward to this being the first of many sleepovers.  If only I could bottle up all these giggles for a rainy day....

My sweet-hearted sweetheart.

Nighttime prayer tonight:

"Dear God, thank you for the whole world that you made, and especially Nanny.  Thank you for giving me the chance to know her.  Amen."

How I love this girl.

This I know...

In college, my roommate pointed out that I broke my day down into segments.  When she asked "How was your day?", a 'normal' person would say "good" or "bad".  Not me.  I'd say "well, my morning kinda sucked, but lunch was fun, then the afternoon I was super sad, but I went to Franklin Street and ran into Eric Farmer, and that made is wonderful!"  Yep.  Not normal.  But it's kinda always been how I've seen things... in segments.

I'm feeling now like that was part of God's plan for getting me through this season in life.  While I'm generally a "glass half full" kind of girl, today I've been living in the "half empty" part.  I'm well aware that His mercy and grace is still abundant in my life.  But to be completely candid, this has been a hard day.

It's hard for me to grasp that Mary's only been gone one month... but yet this is the first of a lifetime of months without her.

It's hard for me to hear my Dad cry on the phone.

It's hard for me to clean my house when all I want to do is sit and smell one of the sweaters I brought home from her closet.

It's hard for me to want to talk about anything but... well... her.

This is not a cry for help.  This is not a cry for sympathy.  This is not a cry for anything other than... a cry.  While my heart hurts, I'm still surrounded with joy, love, and friendship.  My Birthday Bubble continues this week.  My Christmas Bubble started this past week and I'm super excited about all the events that are upcoming.  Seeing family and friends... having parties... wrapping presents?  Those are all segments I look forward to and long for.  Yet my heart hurts for my Dad, my family, for me.

On a good note, my sweet E has returned.  After a week of pure hell for her (and me), she's back.  Today was near perfect.  We started our day with the discovery of Fisbee- our Elf on a Shelf- which made her laugh hysterically before school.  He was sitting on top of our kitchen cabinets in a feed box from my grandparent's barn along with another one of our good buddies.

Her laughter is infectious.

E wanted to have a "sleep over" tonight on the floor in front of the fireplace.  From the looks of my sleepy eyes, you'll not be surprised that I fell asleep just after we laid down.  She then proceeded to cover me up with every blanket she could find and pretend to give me oxygen so that I could have a baby (Cinderella doll.)  (We just looked at all of her hospital pictures- complete with the boob picture- and she's all about having a baby.)

I put her to bed, came back downstairs, and she came down just a second later to tell me I'd forgotten to put lotion on her.  (She recently re-discovered the Johnson & Johnson Calming Baby Lotion and is a wee bit obsessed with it.)  She told me that I really needed to put lotion on her so she could be calm.  Anything for you, Baby Girl... especially when you have accessorized your pajamas.

Even during the last week when she was a pain, she had some precious moments.  One day she told me she wished she lived in Asheville so that she would have known Nanny as long as I'd had a chance to.  Me too, Baby Girl, me too.

I don't imagine the days will get easier for a while.  Things like Elizabeth Edward's death set me back in ways I can't even describe.  And I don't expect them to get easier.  Shoot, I don't even know that I want them to completely... the hurt in my heart causes me to remember Mary's laugh and to continue to fall into the arms of Jesus.  So in moments like this, I will cry when I cry and laugh when I laugh.  I will continue to break my days and weeks up into segments.  In the good, God is there.  In the bad, He's there with even fiercer love.

And in moments like these when I don't know what emotion is next, this I know:

It is well with my soul.

Best Dinner Conversation Ever

Tonight we enjoyed a fully logical conversation with our four year old about which college she should attend---

Me: Well... it depends on what you want to do when you grow up, really.
E: I want to be a Mommy.
Dan: Then go to Carolina.  They make the best Mommies there.

My Girl

Since the last posts have been heavy-ish, it's time to whip out some good ol' E stories to lighten the mood.

(yesterday, on our way to church)
E: Momma, are you thinking about Nanny?
me: Not right now, why... are you?
E: Yes.  I'm thinking that she's probably having a snack.
me: What do you think she's having?
E: She's probably having a sandwich with Jesus.
(upon retelling this story later to Dan, he, too, said he envisions heaven this way.  complete with sandwiches.)

(today, on the way home from school, with friend- Nate- in the backseat)
Nate: I dropped it! (some noodle thing he had)
E: It's okay, Nathan...
Nate: Is God down there? (in the hole where the noodle thing fell.)
E: Yep.  He's everywhere.  But you can't really see Him.
Nate: Why not?
E: Because He's that big.
(pause)
Nate: I'm taller than God.
E: Maybe... but probably not.

(most every day)
E: Daddy/Mommy... are you going to read me a Bed-Night Story?
**
E: I have sugar bumps!  (Shiver bumps.)
**
E: I'm so tired... I can't wait to fall wide asleep.

How I love this girl.

My Funny Child

Dan asked me tonight why I hadn't shared E's best quote from her birthday weekend.  My mom recently returned from a trip to England and brought Elizabeth a Tudor Bear:

It's similar to this Tudor (girl) bear.  And the conversation went a little like this:

Us: E!  That Teddy Bear is from London!  It's a Tudor Bear!
E: Why is it called a Tooter Bear if it doesn't Toot?

Love a literal child.

Today I took that literal child to a playdate for her class.  Due to a variety of reasons, we were the only ones there from school.  (Other kids were there, just none that we knew.)  I'd pumped it up to E all day that we were going on a playdate with her school friends (my bad... you'd think I'd have learned by now.)  It wasn't until we were getting in the car and leaving that she realized no one had shown up.  And she was fine with it.

I prayed later this afternoon that she'd always remain that way.  That my child who loves people so much, who gives in to peer pressure even now (that's how she decided she'd get her pink extensions... because Amelia and McKenna were doing it...), who desires to much to be a part of something-- that my sweethearted child will always be okay when it's just her.  When it's just us.

People ask us a minimum of once a week if we are going to have more children.  Here's the big secret: we don't know.  As of today, we'd say not likely... at least not biologically.  My heart is full with our family of 3 (well, 4 if you count Webster) for now.  We're "good" with where we are.  We prayed for God to give us a child and He did.  We also know that we're not called to isolate ourselves as our family of 3.  That God has wired us to give and serve... maybe that will be shown to us in ways of taking in people who need the love we have to give.  Maybe that will be in supporting those who need resources (time, energy, money) that we have to give.  Maybe that will be something totally different than we think it is now (which is likely... because God tends to work that way with us)... but we're cool with it.  We're good.  We'll keep you posted.

For now, we'll enjoy our child who thinks a bear should be more appropriately named.  The same child who, tonight during dinner (when she was sad I'd grilled her sandwich instead of it being non-grilled) said "Daddy, I think I'd rather sit here and cry."  The same child who drew a picture yesterday of her best friend and when I asked her who it was she said "Mommy."  The same child who I brought home from the hospital 4 years ago tonight.  Holy Tudor Bear, Batman... time flies.

Acknowledgements

Whenever I read a book, I find myself bizarrely compelled to read the acknowledgements.  Like I'm gonna know who they are giving a shout-out to or something.  Usually I feel like I can get a better understanding of the author as a person that way... and sometimes I do "know" who they are talking about.  (Jen Lancaster and Stacey Ballis reference each other... and I read both of their stuff, so that counts, right?)  I also love to read the dedication because, same thing, even though I don't likely know who it's "to", it often makes me smile/cry.  (Unless it's Wayne Caldwell, then I know his people.  And *that*, my friends, is fun.)

So, since I will likely never be in print (or at least won't be for a loooong time), I thought I should just go ahead and give my blog it's "Acknowledgements" page.

Ahem....

First and foremost, thanks to my Mom for understanding that while the bulk of what I say on here probably makes her cringe, it's not intended to.  Thanks for teaching me to be who I am, even if this is who I am.  To Daddy- thanks for the ability to laugh at myself... and "thanks" for not giving me a bigger filter.  And, Mary- thanks for being true to your word and never trying to be my mom, but for being my friend and so much more.  Chris- thanks for not calling me Dufus anymore... and for bringing 2 new people into my family.  To my high school girls- for making me giggle when I just think about you... especially you, Mis, and that picture I'm being so good about not commenting on.  To my IV Pals- thanks for teaching me to rein it in when I need to.  I probably need to more. Dan G- thanks for being my rock of truth and teaching me that someone would be.  Ea- thanks for all of the "just one more thing"s that have gotten us through 15 years of very important things... I've got a lifetime of them still waiting, though.  Bubs Boys- I'll fix you breakfast anytime of day.  It's my spiritual gift, you know.  Jenny Pie- I can't wait to corrupt your daughter.  To my HillSong family- thanks for believing in me and for the fun we had serving together.  To the Bunko gals- thanks for making me feel like this is home.  To my ROCC family- thanks for putting up with Inappropriate Becky and showing me what real community looks like.  To the DT gals- thanks for being that community.  And for going with me to see naked people.  La- thanks for being a true grown up friend that still goes with me to Wal-Mart in the middle of the night at a moment's notice.  To my neighbors... thanks for never ceasing to amaze me- in all ways possible.  NK, AP, AR, and all the others that don't fit a "category"- thanks for making my life full.  To the MMP Family- thanks for being an amazing preschool experience for me and my daughter. Aunties- thanks for giving me inspiration and confidence for writing it out... and loving me, pink polka dots and all. Waldrups, Randolphs, Ducks, extended family, and even Keith- thanks for being family to me more and more as I "grow up".  E- thanks for being my miracle and my joy... and for giving me lots of content for this blog.  And, finally, to Dan- thanks for being my "good enough".  It's actually way better than that.  (Sorry for sometimes making you cringe, too.)

Dedication:

To Elizabeth Jane... May the words of these posts not make you die of embarrassment when you are old enough to read them.  I hope you find your Prince one day and that he *is* as good as Daddy.  And I hope when I drive you crazy in high school that you bounce back quickly.  I love you, sweet pea, no matter what you do... I love you for who you are.

***

Wait a minute, I think I just wrote a yearbook entry.  Hmm...

(Today, I'd add a special ps: To Bill-Bill, thanks for making that amazing Eggplant Parmesan that I'm still thinking about... mmm....)

***

In other news, it makes a girl happy when her daughter comes downstairs for the morning singing Barenaked Ladies songs.  This is what my day started with, so I'll leave you with 2 of our favorites... 

Happy Tuesday, y'all!!

Snow White Hangover

This weekend we partied like rock stars... short, little Disney rock stars.

My child has been in love with Snow White since her first Disney Days...


Let me stop you right there...
(Give me a second while I get on my Momma-defending-self-justification Soapbox...)

Yes, we took our child to Disney World when she'd just recently turned 2.  And I'd do it all over again.  Yes, we heard everyone as they told us she might be too young.  Yes, there were moments in the trip I wish I could have reasoned with her (have you ever tried to reason with a 2 year old?)  But overall we had an amazing trip.  And she still remembers tons about it.  Seriously, she does.

We returned to Disney World when she'd just turned 3.  She remembers even more about that trip:



(Here they were comparing dresses...)

I'm not sure why she loves this princess so much, but she's been OBSESSED with her for over 2 years now.  The irony is, back in the day when I bought my Halloween costume from Eckerd Drugs, I *had* to be Snow White because of my dark hair.  And now, E can't get enough of her.

So we invited her (Snow White) to E's birthday party.  From the moment Snow White "confirmed" she could come, E was ecstatic.  The morning I knew for sure Snow White could come, I went to wake her up and our conversation went like this:

me: Guess who I invited to your birthday party and who said they could come?
E: Who?
me: SNOW WHITE!
(pause)
E: HOW did you get back from Disney World SO FAST?
me: No, I just emailed her.
(another pause)
E: Cool.  (Because, of course, her mom would have Snow White's email addy, right?)

Hey, remember me... up here on my Momma-defending-self-justification Soapbox?  Let's talk about this whole kids birthday party thing while we're at it...

I am NOT into parties that are made to impress the parents.  I am NOT into parties that are trying to one-up each other, or even your own kid's last birthday party.  I am NOT into making your 2 year-old's party look like My Super Sweet Sixteen.

But I AM into throwing parties.  I would throw a party for Halloween, Christmas, Arbor Day, Tuesday, Noon... basically give me an occasion and I'll throw a party.  I love hosting Bunko, Happy Hour, Supper Club, Bible Study... give me a reason to have people over and I'll do it.  My house is nearly never spotless, the preparations are nearly never perfect, but I love it.  Like, love it so much I could marry it.

Since I love throwing parties so much, and I love this little miracle of mine so much, you better believe I'll have a good time throwing her birthday party.

Her first birthday party was at McDonald's and the kid's who came donated to the RMH instead of bringing gifts.  (Try that with my gift-obsessed 4 year old... riiiiiiiight.  We're working on it, people, but we're not there yet.)

Her cute bday cake was a hamburger!  (And from Harris Teeter!)


Her second birthday we had a Halloween Carnival in the backyard.  (This is one I'd gladly do again and again... so easy, so fun, and all those kids in their costumes!)

We borrowed a popcorn machine and rented a cotton candy machine... and a dunk tank.  So fun!


Her third birthday we went to the Children's Museum.   She'd gotten hooked on the book Pinkalicious, and since the Museum is all about reading, it was a perfect Pinkalicious party-combo.

Dewey's made the cupcakes that I still dream about... mmm....


This year's party kind of was kind of a no-brainer.  We owned the dress.  We loved the princess.  Why not do a Snow White theme?  I printed the invitations, enlisted the help of my friend Lindsay who makes cakes, bought a bag of Cheetos, and we were off...

We had 3 rooms of things for the kids to do:

A wishing well...

The messy dwarves house that the girls cleaned up...


The diamond mine where the girls "mined" for diamonds.

All of those events lasted about 20 minutes. Then... the main event.

Snow White arrived.

Captivated.

They sang and danced.... and were entranced.

Then there was this amazing cake:

-it tasted as good as it looked.  Along with it there were these:

"poisoned apple" cupcakes.

And you know what?  All of it? Best. Birthday. Money. I've. Spent. Yet.

Seriously.

Three things:
A. I'll go ahead and make this shameless plug: Get "Snow White" (or her alternate friends) to come to your child's gig.  It's worth the money.

B. I'm happy to get you Lindsay's info for cakes, too.  Holla at a sista....

C. Now I'll tell you this: mock if you will, but I'm down with throwing parties for my girl.  I never seek to be the biggest, the best, the most elaborate, the most expensive, or even the most creative... but I do seek to celebrate my girl and have fun- both for her and me- while doing it.

I love the idea of how-many-is-enough kids at a party (their age + one extra friend... so this year we should have had 5 friends), and how-much-is-enough to spend (I don't have a formula for this one)... but let's be honest... I can't do it.  I am looking forward to the days where E wants to have slumber parties.  I can't wait for Skate-A-Round USA type parties.  I won't lie, Chuck E. Cheese doesn't make me cringe.  (Unless it's a weekend night, then I'd rather pry my fingernails off with a rusty nail... that, my friends, is pure hell.)  I love parties- big kid ones, little kid ones, whatever.

My kid loved it, and so did I... even if I have a wee bit of a Snow White Hangover.

Or, maybe you should just call me "Sleepy".


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Disclaimer #1: I am fully aware of the need in this world... big and small.  Please don't hear my justification of my child's birthday parties as a way that I am saying spending this silly money is more important than doing "bigger" things.  It's not.  It's silly, and it's fun.  It's not the most important thing we spend our money on at all... let me make that clear.

Disclaimer #2: No, this is not directed at YOU.  After this post, I got several private messages about childcare... my bad.  I know that there are lots of you who have your parents keep your kids and it's a healthy arrangement.  I TOTALLY respect that.  I do not live in the same city as my parents or maybe I'd have a similar arrangement.  My beef is the EXPECTATION that people put on their parents to keep their children- as if they don't have lives of their own.  That's all.  My bad.

Disclaimer #3: Thanks to all who celebrate our child's life with us- whether you were at the party or not.  And, in advance, I'm sorry if any of you were offended that you were not included.  Again, my bad.
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And now, we're off to find our happily ever after.  It's what you do when you're 4, you know.

Scoot on over, God... I got this one.

This morning on my way to church I was listening to WBFJ, our local Christian radio station.  Yesterday one of their DJs died suddenly.  As you can imagine, the "feel" of the station is very somber.  It's been painful to listen to at moments.  And, as a listener, I, too, felt like I knew this guy even though I'd never met him.  (Funny how even local celebrities end up as part of our lives.)

As the people on air were praying for his wife and kids, I started thinking about how unbelievably hard that would be.   I've actually been thinking a lot about death lately.  My step-mother, Mary, is in the final stages of fighting cancer.  Even thinking about her no longer being with us makes me tear up.  (Side note: this should also explain why my eye makeup constantly looks like crap these days.)

The more I think about death (which happens to be a lot), the more I get overwhelmed.  I think about the other people I'm close to in life- my husband, my family, my BFFs- and think about how I can't imagine a world without them, either.

So all of this if floating around in my brain as I'm listening to the radio this morning and I have this thought: "I would not be able to make it without Dan."  I have this gut-wrenching heart check, which is quickly followed up with what I think was the Lord speaking to me: "Yes, you could.  I would be there for you."

Now before you think I'm all "it would be a bed of roses" if something happened to my husband, let me tell you that I, too, was shocked by that thought.  I was shocked that I felt God saying that I *would* survive something that big.  I would have to, I'd have E to take care of.  And while I don't even like to think about what that would look like (and my heart hurts even writing this), I think that He is right... I would be okay, because God would take care of me.

(Enter sappy Christian music playing in the background, beginning to swell because you think I am about to have some profound thought about how I love God more than any human and I'm a good Christian...)

The next immediate thought I had went something like this: "Maybe I could survive that... but I could NOT survive something happening to Elizabeth."

Yep.  He (God) loves it when I call the shots.

I drove on, content in thinking my thoughts about how there is no way I would be able to function for time and all eternity if something happened to my little girl.  (And before you again start playing sappy background music, I'll skip to the punchline and tell you that I'm still in this mode.  I have not reasoned that I would be able to function, so heads' up.)

I got to MOMS, fixed myself a cup of tasty coffee, got my tasty plate of food, and sat down among friends and neighbors... ready to hear what Dr. Satterwhite had to say.  (He's a local pediatrician who came to talk to us this morning about parenting.)  Already I'd moved on from the internal discussion about death/children/family/functioning.

Dr. Satterwhite was amazing.  His teaching will be posted here once it gets edited.  You should all download it and hear it.  Seriously.  Fantastic.

But one of the things that struck me the most was his point that (in parenting, in life, whatever) God is on the throne and I am not.  Not a new concept, I get that... He followed it up with something along the lines of "when you try to put your will in the lives of your children, it's as if you are saying 'God, scoot over... I got this one covered'."  Ouch.

That's totally me.

He said LOTS of things I needed to hear (again, download it... you won't be disappointed), but a gentle follow-up from my earlier mind-conversation was clear.  If I trust God to get me through ____ (death, life, health, healing), why would I not trust Him with ALL things... even Elizabeth's life?  (gulp.)  I need to momma-up and daily release my daughter to Him.  Clearly, He's in control anyway, but my acknowledging it will be healthy for me, for E, for my whole family to see.

I'm not quite sure how this will all play out... but as much as I'm sure God enjoys sharing His throne with me, I think I'll scoot on back off it, and leave the controlling the universe to Him.  He seems to have done an okay job so far, so I'll go back to doing dishes and planning a birthday party and leave the rest to Him.

He loves it when I do that.

The ups and downs of our day.

Up: We freakin' love our preschool.  Every thing about it.  The staff is amazing... and this year E has (another) super fun teacher and a super fun class.  Today while E was taking another day to rest-off her illness, she missed a packed day at school.  She was supposed to have the Sharing Box today, art, and music.  I emailed her teacher to see what to do about having the Sharing Box (i.e., was there a Plan B when the sharer was sick?) and she responded (which completely freaked E out that HER TEACHER would send "her" an EMAIL!!) by saying E would miss some stuff in art that they could make up on Friday.  When I got to school this morning, instead of saving the art until Friday to do, she'd prepared a "homework bag" for E.  Seriously.  My daughter was in heaven...

 Seriously.  If today is any indication of what school will be like... E will be a big fan of homework.

Up: I took the college students to a movie on Sunday night.  I told the chick at the theater that I needed 5 Student Tickets, and 2 for "old people" (meaning, older than college.)  I clearly didn't check my receipt at the time... but today when I did, I laughed a lot.

Yep.  They thought I really meant "old people".  Clearly, she saw that we were 30-somethings, not 80-somethings, right?  I laughed a lot.

Up: We were at the intersection of Hanes Mall Boulevard and this road:

 and my ever perceptive child claimed she was thirsty.  She wasn't looking up at the time.  (She was, of course, reading a book in the back seat.)  She said, "Mommy, I'm realllllly thirsty.  Maybe we could go to Starbucks or something?"  We died laughing... then she looked out her window and saw this beside her:

Yes.  My child has my genes, and can smell a Starbucks a mile away... or right outside her window.

Up: Watching my child watch this video:

which looks something like this:

Clearly... she doesn't look sick, huh?

Down: one of my very, very favorite Bloggers is hanging up the Blog-gig.  My friend, Jenni, from UNC days has an amazing blog.  Jenni and I were in InterVarsity together and knew each other in that "we go to all the same functions and have all the same friends" kind of way that you do in college.  Through her blog I have learned so much more about her... and like lots of my virtual friends, it's made me wish I'd spent more time with her when I was actually in her physical presence.  So while you have the chance, before she takes it down, check out Jenni's blog to see the beauty of my friend, her family, and her writing.  Fortunately for me, even though the intrawebs will miss Jenni, I'll still be in touch with her world.

Given our recent days, I'll take this kind of day any time.

(And, side note?  Dan and I are watching this now:
  You should, too.)

More Wisdom From E

Me: E, your teacher said (blah blah blah, insert proud parent stuff here) about you today.  That makes me super happy.  I am really proud of you.
E: Yeah, but I can only do all those good things at school.
------------
E: Daddy, your cup is trash.
(to Dan, using Duke cup.)
 -----------
E: Mommy, when can I drink coffee?
Me: Probably when you are about 17.
E: Will you fix it for me then?  Will you still be alive?
-----------
E: (on 3rd trip downstairs after bedtime) Mommy, where's that bed rail thing that I used to use?
Me: In storage.
E: You should put it back up so I won't keep getting out of bed.

How I love this little girl....

Play-by-play of our days... complete with pictures (and a question.)

Monday I was in such a pissy mood, I cancelled a friend coming over.  I barked at Dan and Elizabeth.  I couldn't see my way out of my frustration... tears interspersed with anger.  But I took this picture:

because it made me happy.  I liked the peaceful way the orzo looked as it was boiling.  That was about the only peaceful thing around these parts on Monday.

Tuesday was tons, tons, tons better.  E and I went to church that morning (we needed a change in scenery and decided to crash the Bible Study) after stopping by Starbucks to get a pumpkin spice latte.

Before the study began, my tears came back.  "Faithful Harmony" (a group of girls from my church who sing at various events) busted out with this:

(my apologies for the crappy camera work.  I couldn't get up, so I propped the camera up on my pumpkin spice latte.)

"It Is Well" kinda messes me up these days, and I think it always will.  It's what Mary (my stepmom) has been clinging to as she's fought cancer all these years.  Hearing the words "... though trials should come, let this blessed assurance control: that Christ has regarded my helpless estate and has shed His own blood for my soul" reminded me what a jerkface I'd been the day before getting caught up in my own stuff.  Mary has shown such courage and strength in all these years- but most especially in the recent days- and I can't believe I'd let my own junk overshadow the blessed assurance that *can* control me when I let it.

I had the treat of getting my house ready alone (thanks, La!) and then with a friend (thanks, Leigh!) for Bunko.  We hosted this same time last year and realized how much fun (and how easy) caramel apples are to make, so we did it again.  Good times.

Wednesday was nutso busy, but all good things.  Coffee (pumpkin spice latte, again!) with a friend, E having a friend come over after school:

(E was in the "hospital" here, Becca came to visit.)  Then after taking Becca home we went to the Fair.  Good times, funnel cakes (hi, last post!), and sketchy rides... you can't beat it.

 Can you see how fun this ride is?  But look at what's under it:

 Yep. I always feel better knowing I'm riding around over the sledge hammer.  And a bottle of water.

 A little spooked by Smokey Bear.

 Gaby's Bird!!

 Dan's 12 Year Old Moment of the Fair (this year.)  "Please do not handle displays... under melons... get it?!?!?!?" (Dying laughing.)

Loving feeding the animals... especially the Llama Llama Red Pajama, as she kept calling him.  (Hint: anyone need a birthday idea for E?  We don't own that book... but she has it on her "favorites" list, thanks Ms. Fallanca!)

After a good night's sleep, we went to MOMS at church this morning (and TOTALLY enjoyed Angie sharing!), then off to Tanglewood to feed the ducks.  (Shhh... the sign only says don't feed the GEESE.  We took it literally.)

 E said this duck was the Mommy Duck.  I asked her how she knew and she said because this duck made all the rules.  (Read: Bossy Duck.)

We came home and I was frustrated to find that I'd screwed something up at our house... but God already quickly took my screw up to give me something better.  I'm bothered that I allowed myself to get worked up over something so little once again... but thankful that it's a non-issue at this point and I'm re-grounded.

While at the park today we met the nicest family.  She told me her name (and her kids names) and E has been asking if we can see them again.  So, Blog Family, I ask you... is it weird to find her on Facebook and ask her to be my friend?  (I know, this seems like something I'd *totally* normally do... but I want some Blog advice this time.)

Comments welcome....

More thoughts on what this week meant later (this was the week- six years ago- that I had my last miscarriage.)  For now, I'll just look for beauty in boiling pasta, apple sticks, laughing girls, and bossy ducks.  That's how we Momma Ducks roll.