Since the last posts have been heavy-ish, it's time to whip out some good ol' E stories to lighten the mood.
(yesterday, on our way to church)
E: Momma, are you thinking about Nanny?
me: Not right now, why... are you?
E: Yes. I'm thinking that she's probably having a snack.
me: What do you think she's having?
E: She's probably having a sandwich with Jesus.
(upon retelling this story later to Dan, he, too, said he envisions heaven this way. complete with sandwiches.)
(today, on the way home from school, with friend- Nate- in the backseat)
Nate: I dropped it! (some noodle thing he had)
E: It's okay, Nathan...
Nate: Is God down there? (in the hole where the noodle thing fell.)
E: Yep. He's everywhere. But you can't really see Him.
Nate: Why not?
E: Because He's that big.
(pause)
Nate: I'm taller than God.
E: Maybe... but probably not.
(most every day)
E: Daddy/Mommy... are you going to read me a Bed-Night Story?
**
E: I have sugar bumps! (Shiver bumps.)
**
E: I'm so tired... I can't wait to fall wide asleep.
Wowsers... you post a little entry about people letting you down and you'd think I'd blamed everyone I know for killing my cat. Except I don't have a cat. Here's how all of this went down.
People tended to do one of three things:
1. Immediately rush to tell me they were sorry they'd let me down. (Because, of course, it was them.)
2. Immediately rush to tell me they were sure it wasn't about them, but they were sorry anyway.
3. Send sweet comforting words, which were coming on their own time-table, not mine, and were well received.
If you have to ask... I liked 2 and 3 the best. 1 just made me laugh a lot. Several of my favorite responses went like this:
"I'm not vain enough to think you were writing about me... but if you were, I'm truly sorry." (And for that, friend, I love you. I love your honesty, your sensitivity, and your own way to care for me.)
"I've realized that you love people so differently than I do... and that even though it's not how I 'do things', that I need to get over myself and do something." (Seriously, so genuine... so heartfelt... so above and beyond... and I appreciate it.)
"I'm gonna answer the phone every time you call... 'cause if I don't, you'll blog about me." (Dern right, heifer.)
"I'm scared of you." (quoted: John Williams. And he is. I'm going to write an entire blog entry on him later. Because I make him shake in his boots.)
Again, people, my last entry was not a finger pointing at you, it was a finger wagging at me. I'm using my blog to share with you what I'm learning... not what you need to learn. Got that?
Good.
Right now, I'm learning these things:
1. When I spend lots of time with my Daddy, I talk like him. Accent, mannerisms, and all.
2. I'm loving reconnecting with old friends.
3. I'm loving connecting with ones I haven't lost connection with, too.
4. I love that I live 14 houses down from some of the best friends I've ever had... and that their family can pop in for dinner at a moment's notice.
5. I love laughing with girlfriends at church... even when we get busted doing it.
6. I love that 3 MOMS sessions from now, I'll be teaching. Gotta work on that.
7. I love ice breakers.
8. I'm enjoying having a "new" cell phone... that was previously loved well.
9. I'm reading a great book right now, and will likely finish it in the next couple of hours.
10. Most of all, I'm loving Anne Rudert for sending me this.
And that's what I'm learning. Now, what about you? (And, for sure, if you put something vague? I'll jump to the conclusion it's about me. KIDDING... zeesh.)
I've had ample opportunities lately to do some soul searching. In the quiet moments when my heart gets heavy, I've tried to let God speak to me about what He wants me to "do" with this hurt.
And right now I think He's telling me to get over myself.
Let me give my full disclaimer now: the following words are for me, not necessarily for you.
If you fall into one of these "categories", cool. Whatever.
Deal with it as you need to, and move on.
More likely than not, it's not for you to deal with... it's for me.
Ahem.
You might remember from this post that I confessed that I am a needy friend. I have an air of "expecting" people to respond a certain way... to call at a certain time... to love me a certain way. A lot of those responses came from true and honest beginnings: over the years, I have been the recipient of people caring for me in the way I desire to be cared for. But what has happened is that I've transferred those feelings of gratitude for that love to feelings of entitlement.
And you know what's happened? I've been disappointed.
The last 2 weeks were a glaring example of this. People have come out of the woodwork to love on me about Mary's illness and then later her death. For this I am grateful. Yet at the same time, I can honestly acknowledge that when certain people didn't come out of the woodwork, I was hurt. Really? Because it's about keeping score?
Here's a perfect example: it just so happened that one of my besties, Christy, was heading to Asheville on Tuesday. I was trying to juggle who had E when and how I was going to get her to Asheville on Tuesday. Perfect solution. When I talked to Christy (who stayed on speed dial last week... well, let's be honest... all weeks) and she said those magic words "what do you need me to do?" I said "bring Elizabeth home." Not only did she immediately say yes, but she changed her schedule around so that she could make it more convenient for Dan and could be the easiest for E, too. After delivering E to my mom's house on Tuesday (when she told me that E sang "Rah Rah Carolina-lina" for waaay too long for a State Fan's liking), she said those magic words again... "what else do you need me to do?" The next night, Wednesday, I enlisted her services again. She and her sister arrived at Mom's house with cookie dough and a bottle of Shiraz to cry and laugh with me in the darkest hour.
If I ended the story there, you might think I live a warm, fuzzy Sweet Valley High kind of life with long-lasting friendships. Which I do. When I allow myself to accept the love that is offered to me.
Instead, in the dark moments, my head gets clouded with the "Why haven't I heard from ___?" or "I'm surprised ___ hasn't offered to help." Really? REALLY? Because I am that important?
Dan and I have had lots of great conversations about how easily I get my feelings hurt and it all boils down to this: I will continue to get my feelings hurt when I allow people to fill my needs. Only when I rely on God, and not others, will I be truly satisfied. And you'd think I'd have mastered this by now- because it's been my biggest stumbling block since, oh, I don't know, 1987.
Apparently I'm going to continue to hurt from it until I internalize it.
So to those of you who called, texted, sent cards, flowers, meals, kept E, prayed for us, posted on my wall, commented on the obituary? Thank you. You truly do speak my love language. I've felt wrapped in His love through your physical acts of grace. And those of you who haven't? Please don't rush out now and do it... that'd just make us both feel awkward. You know, like the year I got someone's Christmas card in January only after they received mine? Really? Like we both didn't know you weren't going to send me one. Anyway, those of you who are now questioning if how you responded was enough? It was. And whether my heart can get over itself long enough to fully say thank you is my issue, not yours.
I was encouraged this morning to "Be strong and not give up." I'm working on it, I promise. In the mean time, I feel certain I'll have the occasional pity party again. And I feel certain that some of you will be invited. And some of you will be expected to know to show up even if you weren't given an invitation at all. That's how I operate in my own strength. Apparently I need Someone Else's. I'm not going to give up on this one yet.
For now, I'll leave the need to have someone "Prove Your Love" to Taylor Dayne.
Further disclaimer? Often times when I post a "This is Why I Suck" kind of post, lots of you run to my rescue and try to convince me, through your comments, reasons why I don't. While I appreciate that, there is no need to defend my selfishness today. Yes, I know that the loss of a loved one is a time I should be surrounded by love. I think most of us would agree with that. So, on one hand, I know that I have lived a kind-of-okay expectation with my friends. However, my confession to you is that my heart is often uglier than it appears, and there is no need to pat my back for that. :) Thanks... this is why you don't suck.
December 8, 1990- My Daddy and Mary got married. Mary became my Non-Evil Step Mother... and brought with her to my life two "Step Sisters": Leslie and Leigh.
One of the things that always cracked me up about Mary was that she always referred to her girls by full name- in the beginning she always said "Leslie Piercy" and "Leigh Piercy", and then later referred to them by their married names. Really, Mary? Because I thought you were talking about other Leslies and Leighs? It was almost as if she assumed I didn't know them.
Oh, wait... I didn't.
Well, that's not totally true. We'd all grown up at the same church, but since we had an (at that time) age difference, they were out of the youth group before I ever got in it. And while their names were well known at my high school, we never were there at the same time. When Daddy and Mary got married, I was the baby in the family. Both Leslie and Leigh were already out of high school and not living at home. Chris (my brother) was still there, but it wasn't long before he left for NC State. So I was the only one around 28715 to be part of their marriage from the perspective of a kid with newly remarried parents. I would see Leigh and Leslie occasionally when I was at Daddy and Mary's house, but not much.
When I got to college, Leslie married Bob, and I came home for that wedding. When Leigh married Mike, I'm guessing I was too busy living my very important life to be there, but I remember hearing all about it.
Then, when my trips home became less regular (remember: very important life going on), the girls were always so gracious to give me "alone" time with Daddy and Mary when we were there. By this point they were both living near them, so they had more regular "access" to them, and allowed me to have more un-interrupted time while I was around. Over the years we only overlapped occasionally... I can only remember one "family" dinner in all the 20 years they were married.
I knew them by word only, yet I still feel like I knew them. Mary (and Daddy, for that matter) never stopped talking about what was going on in their lives, and then later when you threw children in the mix, I grew to "know" them even more.
I remember sometime over the last 2 years being at Daddy and Mary's house and Leslie dropped by to show them something Maddy (her daughter) had written for school. We hung out briefly, and in that moment I remember thinking "it's a shame we don't know each other... I think we would really get along."
You know what? I was right.
I had the extreme honor of spending the last week of Mary's life not only with her, but with her beautiful daughters... my Step Sisters... too. We "holed up" (how's that for a good mountain term?) in Mary's room at The Solace Center and, well, got to become family. After all these years. We told stories, we laughed, we cried, we prayed, we shared scripture, and we loved. We learned, together, how each of us benefited from the marriage of our parents. We talked about our current lives as well as our past. We told funny stories about our children. We told funnier stories about our parents. We celebrated successes (Bob became an Iron Man last weekend! All hail King Bob!) We celebrated birthdays. We talked about people we shared in common. And we talked about the days to come... and what our worlds would look like... without the physical presence of Mary in our daily lives.
I cannot begin to imagine what that world will be like. Even now as I write this, it's hard to see the screen for the flood of tears that emerges when I try. My heart continues to ache for my Daddy, for the girls, for our children... but it does rejoice for Mary. I know that now as she is healthy in heaven (and can hear clearly!) she will be laughing and loving at the feet of Jesus. If she was cognizant at all in her last days, I know she left this earth with a full heart hearing all her girls laughing and telling stories. And while I don't know what the next few days, months, years will hold... I know that as we figure out this new life, I won't be alone.
I will have the love and support of my Step Sisters.
While I don't have a pic of the girls to share with you,
I can't help but show off this lovely picture of Daddy and Mary on my wedding day.
I am leaving in a few hours to go home to be with Mary and Daddy... Mary has been admitted to the Hospice Care center in Asheville. The last week has been an emotional roller coaster. So, to distract my brain before I head out, I thought I'd give you a distraction, too.... (Why on earth do you people continue to read this crap?)
Ahem...
1. I changed my passwords recently to my "big" accounts, and now I can't remember what they are. So I change them again. And then can't remember what they are. (Vicious cycle, repeat repeat.)
2. I sent someone an email today about being able to kiss Jon Stewart flat-footed, because he's so short. Three things about this you should realize: a. I know how tall he is, b. I may or may not have thought through what kissing him would entail, c.my husband is not super tall, so I kinda stand flat-footed to kiss him, too.
3. I love the smell, look, and feel of a clean house. Sadly, mine doesn't make it there often enough.
4. I read, on average, one book a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. That's why it's called "average".
5. I did better at math than verbal on my SAT. Weird, huh?
6. One of my best gifts ever was in 2001 when, for my birthday, people wrote me letters about our friendship. I'm thinking about asking for that again. You have 33 days, people... get to writing.
7. My BFF from high school and I are going to be together on Saturday night. Watch out, we might roll your yard.
8. Speaking of... my mom drove me to the house for the first yard I ever rolled. Along with some friends. On a morning, on the way to school.
9. In addition to Jon Stewart, right now I am in love with a 2 month old baby boy named Will. I almost kidnapped him last night, then again today.
10. I get fired up when I hear that people underpay babysitters. (Friend keeping Elizabeth tomorrow afternoon? This does not apply to you. :) Thanks!)
11. I am horrible about getting books then not reading them. This does not apply to fiction. This is only "real" books that make me "think". I blame the Book Table at Windy Gap for starting this bad habit.
12. I am having a Christmas Party this year complete with a Wind Quintet. And I am not joking.
13. I pulled out my 2002-2003 calendar this week and have been reading it like it's a novel. I can tell you when I went to Chili's with Heather, when I had my "first date" with Laurie, when I went to Lucky 32 with Carrie and Brian, and when I passed out and spent the morning in the ER.
14. I keep all my old calendars. (Need a good read? I'll gladly let you check one out.)
15. I love office supplies.
16. I hate coconut.
17. I don't use the phrase "LOL" but I actually do it a lot when reading things.
18. I do, however, use that dern smiley face a lot. :) And it kinda gets on my nerves. :)
19. When I get attached to college students and they leave college ministry, I mourn.
20. I hate cancer.
Stay tuned, people... there's always more to come. (Seriously... why do you keep reading this? I am a waste of your time.)
My fun post about needing people to commit to getting healthy with me... WORKED! Tonight I enjoyed pumpkin dip, spiced apple cider, wine, and good company. There were 8 of us tonight... and as I just created the FB Group for us, it looks like we could potentially have 17 people!
Here's the deal: We are committing to weigh in every other week (together... we can do more weighing separate from that) and support each other in our desires to be healthy. Everyone's goals were different- they ranged from losing 20 pounds-- to "getting my mind right"-- to strengthening will power-- to exercising 3 days a week. What a joy to share REAL life with these women! (I handed out sheets to help you journal foods... let me know if you'd like copies!)
If you are interested in joining us, let me know and I'll add you to our "private" FB Group. Right now, we're getting to know each other and posting what our goals are. We are going to check back in 2 weeks, see how it's going, and decide if we want to include some sort of incentive.
One of the goals someone stated was "Get healthy so we can be old"... when you Google that, you find this lady (among others.) So I leave you with our new mascot. Let me know if you want to hang out with us- in person or virtually.
I had a conversation with someone recently about how so many people we know (or vaguely know) seem to spend a lot of time "Putting on Airs". It's amazing how we want people to think certain things about us, whether they are true or not....
This made me think of a conversation that my college roommate and I used to have about wondering what people were really thinking. My roomie said she wished we all had signs across our foreheads that told everyone else what was really going on in our minds. I said I was glad that we didn't. Hee hee...
So, for a Monday afternoon activity, put your "Airs" aside and comment about what's really going on in your sweet little head. Tell us who you really are... when all the masks are off.
I'll start:
I'm a Momma who questions her parenting constantly, then feels comfortable with her decisions, then gets jacked up again. I love my husband tons and love my marriage more. I want you to like me, and I want to make you laugh. I am constantly "behind" and often disorganized. But overall, I think I'm a good time.
