non-average Monday makes Tuesday oh-so-special.

Morning= super.  productive.  peaceful.  Except for that whole "I feel like crap" business.

Noon= rapid decline.  Feeling worse.

1:30= Dr. says to be there at 2:30.  Call Lindsey, who, btw, rocks my world, and she comes to keep my girl.  I rush to the doctor.

2:30= walk in with just enough time to fill out paperwork and grab People's 25 Sexiest Men Alive issue.
(Unfortunately, Doctor is prompt enough that I get seen quickly and don't get to finish the issue. She told me to not even think about taking it.)

Leave doctor's office, head to bank, then to get meds.

In the middle of the busiest road around, my car begins to emit massive amounts of smoke.

Massive.


Amounts.


Of.


Smoke.

I make a U-turn (not in the middle of the road, Debbie... I pulled into a parking lot and turned around) and went 2 businesses down to go to the car mechanic we go to.  "Perfect" timing.

(Lots of burst hoses, new thermostat, and $450+ and we'll have a functioning car back!  Yay.)

So now, I sit... feeling like crap... overwhelmed with life... and frustrated with most of the stuff on our to-do-list and  our to-pay-for list.

Super.

Where was that easy way of seeing things from yesterday?

Only thing keeping me going... Glee is on in one hour.  Thank God for that little ray of sunshine.  And don't judge me for that.

not your average Monday...

So, to the best of my knowledge, my Dad said he "might" come on Monday... but that he'd let me know.

This was how today played out:

6:40- wake up, let the dogs out
6:50- work on dishes from dinner last night that I hadn't finished
7:10- play on FB
7:20- E wakes up, wants to play with dogs
7:30- shower, get self ready while E plays with dogs
8:00- get E ready, pack lunch
8:20- get ready to leave, then Abby's Flying Fairy School comes on, so I agree to wait a bit, which makes us on the verge of being late
8:21- justify waiting, because Mom calls and I can talk to her while E watches AFFS
8:26- now late, rush out door, fasten E in carseat
8:27- phone rings... it's Daddy... he's about 2 exits from W-S.  Super... because I have a DR's appointment at 8:45... and I'm 100% sure he won't want to go with me to said-appointment.
8:30- drop E at friend's house who will take her to school
8:35- drive quickly to DR's appointment
8:50- arrive at appointment late, because that's the way the morning played out... I blame Abby Cadabby.
**Doctor's Appointment- fairly typical- except I do burst into tears when she asks "So how have you been lately?"  Yep... that's all it takes.  We talk about Mary, then she asks if I've had any new health concerns this year.  I say no.  Then I remember... "Oh wait!  Yeah, I did have a 6 cm. tumor on my kidney in March.  Want to see the scar?"**
9:30ish- drive as fast as I can to meet Daddy at the church where he is waiting on me
9:30-10:00- introduce him around church, proud of him for the moment he uses the word "butt" because he realized he was in church
10:00-12:00- run errands with Daddy: Costco, Target, Verizon, bank, go pick up carseat
12:00-1:00- lunch with Daddy
1:00- pick up E at school
1:00-1:45 play with Alphie, E, and Dadaw
1:45- Daddy/Dadaw leaves, and my heart is full

Now, other than the dishes that got done first thing this morning, I haven't gotten jack done today.  And, believe me, I have TONS to do.

But you know what?  I've had the best day.

Over the last month I've realized how unimportant even my important "things to do" are.  Far more important is spending time with the people I love the most in life... and today was a beautiful example of that.  So even though I was a bit surprised that Daddy arrived when he did, who cares.  What a freeing way to live- to live in the moment and enjoy the people around you.

I am *sure*, because I learn things so easily, that this novel idea will stick.  I'm sure I will put my to-do list on hold when I need to, right?

(You're welcome to call my bluff when it's appropriate.)

Besties.

Yesterday, Elizabeth told me she had more best friends than I do.

I beg to differ.

At the end of her "list", she started naming babysitters, baby sisters, and mommas of her friends.  While I might say she was stretching it, she may have, um, learned that from me.

She may just have learned that loads of different people can be your "best" friend.

I talked before about the differences I see in my "best friends".  In elementary school, I was BFFs with whoever was in my class.  In middle school, it was a lot based on classes as well, but we had a little more flexibility.  Then high school, and everyone was fair game.  College?  Piece of cake.  Here's my problem: I keep picking up new best friends and not letting any of the old ones go.  (Dan always jokes that I don't let anyone leave my life.  Bag my groceries at Food Lion?  I'll send you a Christmas card..)

Tonight, in fact, 2 of my best friends called me out on Facebook when I posted that I was making dinner for 4 of my best friends... saying that they'd not been invited.  Confusing, isn't it?

The friends- my besties- who I celebrated tonight are unique.  I referenced them in the Community post before.  These are the ladies who I share my life with.  We decided 2 years ago to meet weekly for Bible study, accountability, and fellowship.  We have been together through major and minor life ordeals: ambulance calls, trips to nudie beaches, whatever.  We've celebrated 2 years of birthdays together- each one of us getting our own special day to feel, well, special.  We've gone out for fondue, attempted to get tattoos, had pretend-spa activities, gone to musicals... 10 separate events of fun, fun, fun.

This year, however, we've decided to reign in the Birthday Wagon.  We started a new tradition... one which I would gladly share with any of my other besties.  We decided rather than spend lots of time, energy, and money to celebrate each one of us- which, let's be honest, we all deserve given that we are spectacular- we would spend time blessing each other.

And that's what we did.

We started the year of birthdays with Lesley's, which was back in October, but the last month has been so nutso for me that we've been unable to get together until now.  We had a yummy dinner complete with some of Les's favorite foods.  Then, we each went around and "blessed" Lesley by telling her what it is about her we love and respect.  Well, in theory we did that.  What actually happened was we had Laurie read what we'd written, but it worked anyway.  We were present as Lesley was praised for they way she is an amazing mother, an amazing pray-er, an amazing friend... wait... strike that.  We were present as God was praised for the way He has made Lesley.  It was a beautiful thing, and we are all blessed to know her.

In addition to that, we laughed at old videos, told stories from our Thanksgivings, laughed about turkeys, loved on my new dog, and enjoyed being together.

What a beautiful thing.

As I was preparing what I was going to "say" about Lesley, I told Dan that I hope one day to be the kind of person that someone would be able to say those same things about me.   That's when I realized that I guess my Mom was right: "You're known by the company you keep."  Which makes me thankful for these 4 besties, and all the rest of the BFFs I've picked up along the way.

By the company I keep, I'd say I'm doing just fine.

Hopefully one day all of their your super qualities will rub off on me.  Hopefully one day I will become the amazing person that many of you are.  For now, I'll enjoy time with you- be it in person playing Bunko, playing with our children, praying, or having coffee- or virtually via FB and email.  I'll see the good things in you and hope to become cool like you.  Or,  I'll just enjoy your coolness... because it's a blessing to know you.

Want to be my new best friend?

a stream of thankfulness

(stolen from my friend over at leclaw.blogspot.com)

Elizabeth's Thankfulness
T- tree
H- hug
A- Alphie
N- (k)nufflebunny
K- Kate
S- snake (because that's what God made, so we're thankful for it.)
G- God
I- ice cream
V- veterinarian
I- ice
N- nose
G- Grover

Becky's Thankfulness
T- time with family
H- happy hour
A- apple cider
N- new pens
K- Kindermusik
S- students
G- gift closet
I- iTunes
V- vino
I- invitations
N- new puppies
G- "good girl" (what E keeps saying to Alphie)

** Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.**

My Girl

Since the last posts have been heavy-ish, it's time to whip out some good ol' E stories to lighten the mood.

(yesterday, on our way to church)
E: Momma, are you thinking about Nanny?
me: Not right now, why... are you?
E: Yes.  I'm thinking that she's probably having a snack.
me: What do you think she's having?
E: She's probably having a sandwich with Jesus.
(upon retelling this story later to Dan, he, too, said he envisions heaven this way.  complete with sandwiches.)

(today, on the way home from school, with friend- Nate- in the backseat)
Nate: I dropped it! (some noodle thing he had)
E: It's okay, Nathan...
Nate: Is God down there? (in the hole where the noodle thing fell.)
E: Yep.  He's everywhere.  But you can't really see Him.
Nate: Why not?
E: Because He's that big.
(pause)
Nate: I'm taller than God.
E: Maybe... but probably not.

(most every day)
E: Daddy/Mommy... are you going to read me a Bed-Night Story?
**
E: I have sugar bumps!  (Shiver bumps.)
**
E: I'm so tired... I can't wait to fall wide asleep.

How I love this girl.

So how'd that work out for you? (again)

Wowsers... you post a little entry about people letting you down and you'd think I'd blamed everyone I know for killing my cat.  Except I don't have a cat.  Here's how all of this went down.

People tended to do one of three things:
1. Immediately rush to tell me they were sorry they'd let me down.  (Because, of course, it was them.)

2. Immediately rush to tell me they were sure it wasn't about them, but they were sorry anyway.

3. Send sweet comforting words, which were coming on their own time-table, not mine, and were well received.

If you have to ask... I liked 2 and 3 the best.  1 just made me laugh a lot.  Several of my favorite responses went like this:

"I'm not vain enough to think you were writing about me... but if you were, I'm truly sorry."  (And for that, friend, I love you.  I love your honesty, your sensitivity, and your own way to care for me.)

"I've realized that you love people so differently than I do... and that even though it's not how I 'do things', that I need to get over myself and do something."  (Seriously, so genuine... so heartfelt... so above and beyond... and I appreciate it.)

"I'm gonna answer the phone every time you call... 'cause if I don't, you'll blog about me."  (Dern right, heifer.)

"I'm scared of you."  (quoted: John Williams.  And he is.  I'm going to write an entire blog entry on him later.  Because I make him shake in his boots.)

Again, people, my last entry was not a finger pointing at you, it was a finger wagging at me.  I'm using my blog to share with you what I'm learning... not what you need to learn.  Got that?

Good.

Right now, I'm learning these things:
1. When I spend lots of time with my Daddy, I talk like him.  Accent, mannerisms, and all.

2. I'm loving reconnecting with old friends.

3. I'm loving connecting with ones I haven't lost connection with, too.

4. I love that I live 14 houses down from some of the best friends I've ever had... and that their family can pop in for dinner at a moment's notice.

5. I love laughing with girlfriends at church... even when we get busted doing it.

6. I love that 3 MOMS sessions from now, I'll be teaching.  Gotta work on that.

7. I love ice breakers.

8. I'm enjoying having a "new" cell phone... that was previously loved well.

9. I'm reading a great book right now, and will likely finish it in the next couple of hours.

10. Most of all, I'm loving Anne Rudert for sending me this.

And that's what I'm learning.  Now, what about you?  (And, for sure, if you put something vague?  I'll jump to the conclusion it's about me.  KIDDING... zeesh.)

Prove Your Love-- Confessions of a Hypocrite, Volume Two

I've had ample opportunities lately to do some soul searching.  In the quiet moments when my heart gets heavy, I've tried to let God speak to me about what He wants me to "do" with this hurt.

And right now I think He's telling me to get over myself.

Let me give my full disclaimer now: the following words are for me, not necessarily for you.  

If you fall into one of these "categories", cool.  Whatever.  

Deal with it as you need to, and move on. 

 More likely than not, it's not for you to deal with... it's for me.

Ahem.

You might remember from this post that I confessed that I am a needy friend.  I have an air of "expecting" people to respond a certain way... to call at a certain time... to love me a certain way.  A lot of those responses came from true and honest beginnings: over the years, I have been the recipient of people caring for me in the way I desire to be cared for.  But what has happened is that I've transferred those feelings of gratitude for that love to feelings of entitlement.

And you know what's happened?  I've been disappointed.

The last 2 weeks were a glaring example of this.  People have come out of the woodwork to love on me about Mary's illness and then later her death.  For this I am grateful.  Yet at the same time, I can honestly acknowledge that when certain people didn't come out of the woodwork, I was hurt.  Really?  Because it's about keeping score?

Here's a perfect example: it just so happened that one of my besties, Christy, was heading to Asheville on Tuesday.  I was trying to juggle who had E when and how I was going to get her to Asheville on Tuesday.  Perfect solution.  When I talked to Christy (who stayed on speed dial last week... well, let's be honest... all weeks) and she said those magic words "what do you need me to do?" I said "bring Elizabeth home."  Not only did she immediately say yes, but she changed her schedule around so that she could make it more convenient for Dan and could be the easiest for E, too.  After delivering E to my mom's house on Tuesday (when she told me that E sang "Rah Rah Carolina-lina" for waaay too long for a State Fan's liking), she said those magic words again... "what else do you need me to do?"  The next night, Wednesday, I enlisted her services again.  She and her sister arrived at Mom's house with cookie dough and a bottle of Shiraz to cry and laugh with me in the darkest hour.

If I ended the story there, you might think I live a warm, fuzzy Sweet Valley High kind of life with long-lasting friendships.  Which I do.  When I allow myself to accept the love that is offered to me.

Instead, in the dark moments, my head gets clouded with the "Why haven't I heard from ___?"  or "I'm surprised ___ hasn't offered to help."  Really?  REALLY?  Because I am that important?

Dan and I have had lots of great conversations about how easily I get my feelings hurt and it all boils down to this:  I will continue to get my feelings hurt when I allow people to fill my needs.  Only when I rely on God, and not others, will I be truly satisfied.  And you'd think I'd have mastered this by now- because it's been my biggest stumbling block since, oh, I don't know, 1987.

Apparently I'm going to continue to hurt from it until I internalize it.

So to those of you who called, texted, sent cards, flowers, meals, kept E, prayed for us, posted on my wall, commented on the obituary?  Thank you.  You truly do speak my love language.  I've felt wrapped in His love through your physical acts of grace.  And those of you who haven't?  Please don't rush out now and do it... that'd just make us both feel awkward.  You know, like the year I got someone's Christmas card in January only after they received mine?  Really?  Like we both didn't know you weren't going to send me one.  Anyway, those of you who are now questioning if how you responded was enough?  It was.  And whether my heart can get over itself long enough to fully say thank you is my issue, not yours.

I was encouraged this morning to "Be strong and not give up."  I'm working on it, I promise.  In the mean time, I feel certain I'll have the occasional pity party again.  And I feel certain that some of you will be invited.  And some of you will be expected to know to show up even if you weren't given an invitation at all.  That's how I operate in my own strength.  Apparently I need Someone Else's.  I'm not going to give up on this one yet.

For now, I'll leave the need to have someone "Prove Your Love" to Taylor Dayne.

She's got better hair, anyway.
*****************************

Further disclaimer?  Often times when I post a "This is Why I Suck" kind of post, lots of you run to my rescue and try to convince me, through your comments, reasons why I don't.  While I appreciate that, there is no need to defend my selfishness today.  Yes, I know that the loss of a loved one is a time I should be surrounded by love.  I think most of us would agree with that.  So, on one hand, I know that I have lived a kind-of-okay expectation with my friends.  However, my confession to you is that my heart is often uglier than it appears, and there is no need to pat my back for that. :)  Thanks... this is why you don't suck.