Saturday, November 23, 2013

ThankFULL

In 2010, I started taking cues from my friend Gina and posting a daily "Top 5" of things I enjoyed about my day on Facebook.  This was after that random tumor surgery, and while I sat on the couch feeling sorry for myself all day, I needed some mental redirection.  Like most things, after a while I stopped.  It wasn't that I was less mindful of my Top 5, it was that I began to feel I was bogging down my News Feed.  After Daddy died last year, Dan pointed out that he thought it was time again to start focusing on my Top 5... there was so much sadness, I needed to remind myself of the good in my little corner of the world.

When I brought back the Top 5, I got several private messages about how others "needed" to see them... that they encouraged their children/spouses/friends to do the same... and how a mental redirection was just what they needed, too.

This week, I had the pleasure of hearing a friend speak at my church about the same idea- choosing gratitude.  My friend, Peggy, shared her story of a bike accident in which she was hit by a motorist and left in a wheelchair for months- during which time her mother and several friends died.  Like my own story, grief upon grief can wear a person down.  But Peggy chose gratitude- she said from the first moments in the ER, she began focusing on what was good in her life and even in her unfortunate situation.  (She also noted later, btw, that she does a "Top 5" of her own in her journal each morning.)

Peggy's talk stirred up my own desire to re-visit my daily Top 5.  My last couple of months have been wrecked with grief, disappointment, frustration, and exhaustion.  But they also have been blessed with homecomings, laughter, shared meals, warm hugs, and joy.  I have shared snipits of these moments on Facebook, but more importantly I have gathered my gratitude in my heart.

One would think that with the "November 30 Days of Thankfulness" trend on the interwebs, that I'd be all over that.  I actually have never done it- not because I'm one of the people who is opposed to it (although the people who are the complainers 335 other days of the year who lead with "I'm thankful for the happiness I've found in Jesus" do crack me up), but because I kinda feel like I overwhelm my News Feed with it the rest of the year (see above.)  But given Peggy's gentle prompting this week- I feel compelled to share some of the great things in this brutiful life of mine with my dear Reader Friends.

Gratitude: November 2013 Edition (not in order of importance, lest any of you get offended easily)
1. Half Price bottles of wine a dear friends with which to share them.
2. Papas and Beer
3. Whimsical Women
4. A super fun Barenaked Ladies concert
5. Finally meeting the Barenaked Ladies at that super fun concert
6. My Book Club
7. Someone else offering to "throw me a party" for the first time in years
8. Upcoming weddings
9. Upcoming vacations
10. Reconnecting with old friends
11. Pumpkin Beer, Jaime style
12. Blogger dates
13. Working out- the biggest surprise of what I'm grateful for, because I've never EVER had that on a list
14. Watching E get so excited about babysitters
15. Date nights
16. Scandal
17. Buffalo wings
18. Upcoming holidays
19. Finding Daddy's coffee mug at Mom's house
20. My new planner
21. That Bunko got reborn
22. Movie dates
23. Planning showers to love on friends
24. Knowing that I have a Laurie Date on my calendar
25. Good books
26. New makeup
27. Good pens- including my new Dry Erase markers
28. Coffee
29. Our bus stop. Most of the time.
30. Short hair.

I've had 30(+) things this month (and last) that bring me joy... that make me pause in gratitude... and that take my mind off of the hurt.  And, as Peggy pointed out, there are still days with lots of moments of me wanting to scream out "God- I WANT MY OLD LIFE BACK!"... but in the moments in which I am thankful, I can enjoy this brutiful space where I am.

I am blessed.

And I am full of thanks.


Monday, November 18, 2013

Bradshaw Lane

I've been a little MIA on the interwebs lately.  It seems that the stress of selling Mom's house has caught up with my body and I'm still fighting a week long cold.  As I shared some of my last few weeks with someone today, it's no wonder that I'm sick... my body just couldn't keep going at the pace I was pushing it.  So I'm going to allow myself to slowly process where we've been and where we're going.  For now, I'll share with you the note I left the owners of Mom's new place.  Warning: it's lengthy...  And a bit sappy.
Congratulations on your new house!  I hope that it quickly becomes your home and that you fall in love with 11 Bradshaw Lane like we did.  Not to force my story upon you, but I thought I would tell you a bit about it’s history...

My parents bought the house from Walt and Becky McCullough in the early 70’s.  I’m not sure if Walt and Becky were the original owners.  One of their 3 children, Natalie, was my Sunday School teacher when I was in Middle School and shared with me which of her siblings had what bedroom.

My brother, Chris, was a toddler when they moved from Woodfin and I was brought home from the hospital to my bedroom (the one beside the master) in December of 1975.  I never had another home growing up- nor did I ever switch bedrooms.  I left Candler for college in 1994, and only came home a few summers after that.  Around 2000, Mom turned my room into a den.  (My brother’s room- the one beside the hall bathroom- stayed a bedroom during our tenure here.  Not that I’m bitter or anything.)

My Daddy was responsible for the fabulous backyard at your new home.  He landscaped the steps- I often played wedding there and dreamed of my own backyard wedding.  I ended up not getting married there, but as you watch the light come in through the trees in the mornings, you’ll see why I was enraptured by the beauty of the woods.  He put in a hammock- complete with a spotlight which would be blinding to unsuspecting teenagers, and which only was turned on if a “warning” needed to be shared.  The swings he built were my respite- and I still would swing on them even through high school.  The Pièce de résistance in the yard, though, is the treehouse.  My Daddy and Papaw built that around 1980.  I helped by bringing them glass after glass of grape Kool-aid.  My brother and I played in it, my Daddy escaped to it, and it became a sought out location for (only the bravest of friends) summertime sleepovers- complete with spiders.

The house itself is full of great rooms and wonderful memories.  The room beside my brother’s was our Playroom that became a Computer Room that became a sort of Guest Room later in life.  My Mom worked in I.T., so were were one of the first families to have a PC at home.  My brother’s friends monopolized that during their visits.  I spent hours developing my skills on King’s Quest and Frogger, then later began using the computer to type letters to my pen pal in Wisconsin and as I toyed with my growing love affair of writing.

Mom and Daddy’s room housed a king sized bed which all 4 of us would pile on during special Saturday mornings.  Daddy would bring our portable black and white TV from the kitchen, put it on their dresser, adjust the antenna, and we’d watch Bugs Bunny while snuggled beneath their green blankets.  It was under those same blankets- and any others we could get our hands on- where Mom and I burrowed deep during the Blizzard of 93.  Our house was without power for days and got ridiculously cold.  (And boring.)  Ultimately, we were taken by sled (with the help of neighbors) to a nearby house on Monte Vista with a generator so that I could have a breathing treatment... and the best dinner of Shake and Bake chicken that I’ve ever eaten.  Nearly a week of canned peaches and Ritz crackers will make Shake and Bake taste like a 5-star meal.

The bathroom in the Master was Daddy’s- his smell of cologne, hair spray, and (gasp!) cigarettes is one that will bring tears to my eyes when I catch it now at certain bars.  (For the record, he started smoking outside in about 1983 when my pulmonary specialist “suggested” that maybe smoking around his highly asthmatic daughter wasn’t the best idea.)  When he moved out in 1989, Mom took over the bathroom and the scent changed to one of Ultima II makeup, Windsong powder, and Vaseline lotion.  

Mom had the bathrooms redone shortly after Daddy left.  Those bizarre low and quiet toilets were all the rage in 1990.  My friends loved coming in the bathroom and just flushing to watch it work.  My brother and I shared the hall bathroom at that point- I had the drawers on the right, his were on the left.  Our bathroom began to smell of curling irons and crimpers, Rave hairspray, LA Looks gel, and whatever girlie perfume was popular in that moment.  Chris left for college in 1991, so his scent never had a chance to permeate that room like all of the ones I enlisted to make my high school years perfect.

And speaking of those teen years, the downstairs den was the ideal location not only for sleepovers, but for tucking away with boyfriends in hopes not to be seen from upstairs.  There was only one spot where we could hide completely, so that was the spot we best not be in as Mom walked by on her security patrols upstairs.  I spent hours down there watching Monty Python with friends, watching my first presidential debates, and sitting by the fireplace on snow days.  Not to mention the time out on the patio porch swing- the exact location of silly homemade videos with best friends or stolen kisses with boys I haven’t seen in 20 years.

Our living room and dining room were revered in our family to be “special” rooms just for company.  We spent time in there on holidays or whenever we had visitors.  Our Christmas tree went front and center in the living room’s window and I spent tons of time mesmerized by it’s lights and by the train that encircled it’s base.  As we got older, we were “allowed” more time in those rooms and I enjoyed feeling so grown up as I would sit and read in the living room.  The one exception made when I was younger was that I was allowed in to practice piano.  Which I still wish I had listened to my mother and not stopped taking lessons.  

The woods surrounding the house lend themselves to unlimited exploration and enjoyment all throughout my childhood.  In the spring, little red berries and purple violets appeared to take over and bring life back from a dark winter.  Chris and I picked flowers, played spy, and developed our own Terabithia within the walls of the limbs.  We ran through the field behind the house and played in the creek- furthering my love of nature and developing my “non-wussy-girl” status among the neighborhood boys.  We explored and played together in the spring, summer, and fall and sledded together through the winter.


And speaking of winter- one quick suggestion: My Daddy planted bamboo as a privacy barrier between our house and the one next door.  On snowy days, the bamboo will bow down under the weight of snow and ice.  It’s beyond a pain to lift each stalk and pull your car out, but without that, the bamboo will break.  I’d suggest cutting it back before it turns so cold you have to deal with that inconvenience.  

I hate that because of the later stages of my Mom’s illness and her departure from the house that the “grounds” weren’t presented to you in their best state.  While the house is wonderful, the yard and woods will cause you to fall in love with your home.  I hope that as the Easter Bush blooms this spring and you are able to entertain on the deck, you’ll see glimpses of all of the egg hunts and cookouts and parties and memories as they float around you.

And my room.  While now the closet space leaves a lot to be desired, back in the day there was nothing I didn’t like about my room.  I apologize if the door isn’t in the best shape- it was slammed many times in teenage angst.  It was covered in bumper stickers (Ollie North for President!) and posters (Michael Jackson and Michael J. Fox to name a few.)  It was my respite from parents who didn’t understand me, from parents who separated, from a brother who annoyed his little sister, and an escape to spend hours on the phone with friends.  It was where I sat and journaled and read.  Where I laid in bed sick.  Where I grew up.  And before all that it was where I would climb up on my green toybox and look out the window waiting for Daddy to come home for lunch- a midweek treat.  I’d open the window all summer long (you’ll note that air conditioning only arrived a few years ago) and smell the scent of the woods and hear the call of the birds each day.  I’d nearly burn down the house there as I played with matches in second grade- and then proceed to lie about it to my Mom while she could see the paper smoldering in the trash can.  It’s the same room where I first began reading the Bible and started to figure out for myself what I believed.  And, ultimately, it was the same room where I sat at the desk and typed my Daddy’s obituary last year.  That room holds my memories, my tears, and part of my heart.

I hope that you will love this house nearly half as much as we do.  If you look at it from the driveway, it almost appears to smile.  My mother continues to ask about her home (as she constantly wants to return there and doesn’t understand that her Assisted Living transition is permanent.)  We always tell her that we’re sure that things are “fine” in Candler and that her house is okay without her there.  It’s my hope that as we continue to tell her that when she asks that her house would be more than just “fine”.  My hope for you is that her house... your house... will be quite wonderful.



Saturday, October 26, 2013

Happy Birthday, Janer.

The summer after 9th grade, I was granted the privilege of taking my best friend to the beach with us for our family vacation.  That week stands out in my mind quite a bit... we were days away from getting our Golden Retriever and while laying on the beach we decided that we would name her "Sandy"... we made numerous trips to the post office on Hilton Head so that my BFF could send letters to her boyfriend... and that same BFF nicknamed my mother "Janer".

22 years later, my heart smiles when I remember "Janer".

My mother was and is the smartest woman I've ever met.  She spent her career managing people in the information technology world- something that was groundbreaking as she entered that field out of college.  College, by the way, that she attended and earned a degree in 3 short years.  With all A's, except for a pesky "C" in swimming.  She married her high school sweetheart who may not have been the World's Best Choice for her... but he sure made her laugh back in the day.

She struggled for years to have children and celebrated like crazy when she had my brother.  His baby shoes- both bronzed and the bright red pair- were saved in her cedar chest along with a maternity dress. I found those this week while I cleaned out her house... along with some baby outfits, *more* baby shoes, baby keepsakes, and baby pictures... all of the treasures of being rewarded the desires of her heart.

Three years after having my brother, she had me.  If she could she would tell you that I was a perfect child- no lie- which quickly changed when I became a teenager.  From the moment I began thinking that my mother didn't understand anything (and that I was right on so many things), our relationship changed until the point I realized that she just might be right after all.  I cringed every time I heard her sigh and say "Oh, Becky..."-- yet I realized after looking at each church bulletin, school newspaper, award, and card that I ever sent her that I filled her life with more pride than disappointment... regardless of how it may have seemed in those turbulent teenage years.

I developed a love of travel from Janer-- Hilton Head, Europe, Canada, New York... I saw them all through the lens of vacation with the best of intentions to enjoy every moment.  Our last "big" trip together was to celebrate my 30th birthday.  Her attention to details (and handwritten lists) made me roll my eyes at the time... I wanted her to "wing it" in moments when she couldn't... and now I see that time as one of the last big gifts she would be able to give me.

We started noticing her illness early- when you are that smart and that "with it", it is startling when things start to "slip."  Gently I tried to talk to her about getting help, but because of the walls broken down by disease, that wasn't possible.  Nearly 2 years ago we intervened in a big way, and almost a year ago we moved her to an Assisted Living site in town so that she could receive the care she needed.

Daily I struggle with how my mother has become another person.  Dementia is a horrible, horrible affliction and robs people of their identity.  Daily I want "more" for her... and I live with the doubt and guilt and sadness that comes with all of our decisions.  Over the next week I will finish up cleaning out my childhood home (the only house I ever lived in until college) and will officially end my mother's chapter in Asheville.  And because of that, I weep.

But today.... today is her birthday.  Today we will celebrate.  In a few short hours my house will be filled with family and friends.  We will have a luncheon and eat some of my mom's favorite foods.  I called her late yesterday to prepare her for the crowd- thanks to her caretakers, we had determined a plan that would allow her to be "ready" to see people and not be alarmed.  When I told her, she nearly squealed with excitement (if she was the type of person who squealed, that is.)  And in "old" Janer fashion, she said, "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone you told me.  I'll act surprised."

Who knows how she will be today- whether it will actually be a surprise for her or not.  Who knows if she will remember all the people here.  But I do know this: she will be surrounded with those who knew her as she grew up playing the piano, being the valedictorian, climbing the corporate ladder, as she was raising two children, and was a wonderful mother and grandmother... just by being Janer.

I wish you all had had the chance to know her then- but even if not, those here today could tell you story after story about what an amazing person she was....

... and still is.

I love you, Mom.


Wednesday, October 9, 2013

the wonder of it all.

Today was a day for the books.  I nailed it.  I was so productive that I'm about to get in bed... and it's not even 7:00 yet.

Apart from my productivity (which I now refuse to document on here, lest I jinx my life) (and yes, I may be a wee bit superstitious from past experience), today stood out because of the roller-coaster-ness of it all.

Our pre-bus time was great this morning.  E woke up on the right side of the bed (surprisingly, since she went to bed so super late) and we enjoyed a cooked breakfast before school.  Cooked Breakfast doesn't always happen.  There's usually cereal, and 80% of the time she's finishing it at the bus stop.  But this morning, we had time- shower and all- for her to enjoy a more filling option.

I came in from the bus stop feeling my "I nailed it" High and got on Facebook.  Within moments I learned the tragic news that my home church family was hurting.  Death is never easy, especially when it's one so young.  My heart plummeted into the "there is so much sadness in this world" realm... I am grieving with you, Hominy Baptist.

I worked on uploading the pictures that my friend John had sent of items in my Mom's house.  Rather than head home to take pictures of items we have for sale, I emailed one of my oldest friends and asked him for a favor.  As I uploaded pictures, I was comforted by the love I've gotten from my second family... the past 2 years (and the 35 before that) when I've needed something they have been the first to arrive with helping hands.  I can only imagine that E will have that same kind of connection with one of her oldest friends, too.  Preschool connections are beautiful... we both are blessed to have them.

Thankfully, I've had lots of friends check in on me as I've posted details about closing up my Bradshaw Lane world.  While Monday threw me for a loop, today was less rough as I went about details about moving.  And as people started buying furniture, I knew that it was a blessing that the first 3 pieces to go were purchased by people I love so much.  One by my 2nd grade best friend, one by my high school BFFs sister (and the older sister that I coveted), and one by someone who is one of Mom's caretakers here.  It feels like Doing Good to pass things on to loved ones and not "just" selling them at a yard sale.  (But we're not above that.  Need some random furniture?  Let me know!)

I left that task feeling accomplished and encouraged and went on to my main task of the day.  Part of it was overwhelming, part of it was thrilling to finally have some organization to a previously messy part of my life.  And during it, a message popped up that one of my besties got AMAZING news today regarding her adoption process.  Such beauty in the midst of sadness.

I then went into full on Business Mode and made more phone calls on Mom's behalf... I am thankful to have time in my day to knock these things out.  They aren't "fun", but as I've said before, I feel like I'm honoring her life by taking good care of her affairs.

Shortly after (yes, the day went that fast) a sweet first grader ran off the bus full of stories of today's field trip.  We enjoyed catching up while I fixed dinner.  And then my sum-total of today hit me.  I was standing over the oven- looking at what I was cooking.  Normally, my meals "make sense" and fit together nicely.  We usually have dishes that would make sense in a menu-planning session.  But tonight's meal didn't.  Without thinking much about it, I prepared my Daddy's spaghetti sauce and my Mom's broccoli casserole.  I've never made those two dishes together- usually we'd have a salad or steamed broccoli if anything.  But tonight it felt right.  And I'm not surprised.  Sometimes, even your subconscious needs a little bit of home and it comes out in comfort food.

While we ate dinner tonight, I reflected on the sadness- and the happiness- of my day.  Broccoli casserole and spaghetti may not go together, but neither do tragic death and joyful adoptions.  Neither do Power of Attorney work and making chocolate chip pancakes.  Well, we don't seem to think they go together... but in this twisted up world we live in, they do.  I won't try to explain it... at this point I won't even try to understand it... but sometimes dishes go together and life goes together and emotions go together and it all just happens.

Monday, September 23, 2013

September 24, 2013- #dogood

I made some new friends last week and attempted to explain "Do Good" to them.  I told them that it started as a saying from my Daddy, but has become so much more.  That made me have to go back and explain a bit about who my Daddy was, and to tell that he died last year.

This was met with the usual condolences.  It was followed up with "How is your Mom handling that?" Well, I often say, my parents were divorced.  My Mom actually lives in Winston now (yay!) as she is battling dementia.  (ugh.)  My Daddy had remarried (yay!) by my stepmother passed away in 2010 with breast cancer. (ugh.)  I don't always give all of those details... because my life sounds too much like a freakshow.  But those details are real and are part of this messed up world in which we live.

On this blog, I have shared loads of my pain for all 3 of those events.  I have shared how I have responded to those hurts- the good and bad ways I've attempted to continue.  I've also shared our most recent loss- the loss of a child we won't know until heaven.

And all of that sadness can make one weary.

This weekend, I read a book about someone else's loss... and the negative ways in which they responded to pain.  I read it while I was snuggled up next to a sleeping almost-7-year-old and was caught in what I believe to be a holy moment.  With her peaceful breathing setting the tempo for my heart, I had a near epiphany of the beauty and goodness in my life.  So often weighed down by what I have lost, I have neglected what I still have.  And Lord knows I've learned that we are not promised tomorrow... so I am committing to see the beauty more than the pain.

I am thankful for so many of you joining our attempt to Do Good this week.  While it typically is better to Do that Good anonymously, I'd be encouraged to hear your stories.  If you feel like sharing, post them with the hashtag #dogood on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.  Or comment here.  Or send me a message.  I love that I feel like I'm watching a movement and not a memorial.  And I love that your stories prompt others to join that movement.  There is so much Good to be Done.  No more focusing on what is lost, let us focus on what is ahead.

I'll be compiling some of those Do Good moments for my next post.  Check back here at the end of the week and be encouraged yourself.

Do Good, y'all.


Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Doing (some more) Good


Yesterday, one of my best friends asked me if I was dreading next week.  Wholeheartedly I said yes.  Tuesday, one week from right now, will be my Daddy's birthday and my due date- all wrapped up in one hard day.  Those anticipated events would arrive with little fanfare if I would allow it... but y'all know that's not how we roll.

Before this most recent loss, we lost two other babies.  Their due dates came and went- "celebrated" and remembered by Dan and me.  We would cry- longing to have a child, yet never knowing if we would have one.  I wasn't yet in a place where I felt I had words to express to others what that pain was like- so I smothered it all deep down in my dark places and became a wounded heart.

The loss of this baby is different.  This baby was so loudly celebrated at his or her "arrival" into our lives that it feels only necessary to celebrate the due date, too.  We knew this baby in more intimate ways- we had names picked out, plans made, nurseries nearly assembled.  We were unable to discover the gender, but when I think about our child, I tend to think it was a girl.  I didn't have strong feelings about gender with the others, but maybe it was because I was so closely tied to the girl name that when I think of what she (he?) would be like, I see her as female.

This summer as Dan's aunties were loving on us, we talked about the fact that when I get to heaven, I'll have four children. FOUR. What the what.  I understand that many of my friends have more than that now- but in my earthly home, I only have ONE.  Four will be a huge leap.... thankful that I'll be surrounded by God's glory and not need to worry about raising four children!!

So as we anticipate the 24th and mourn her due date- as well as my Daddy's birthday- we are turning our thoughts away from our own sadness and hurt and looking toward the needs of others.

That day, we are asking some local friends to join us for lunch and to join us in Doing Good.  Our hope is that we will surround ourselves with the people who have supported us mightily in the last several years, enjoy being a community, and take care of the needs of others.  In my email invitation to my Tribe, I asked them to consider Doing Good by one of the following:

- Donating gift cards (that we will in turn distribute as needs arise)
- Give to Meadowlark Meals- a backpack program that helps feed at risk children at our local school
- Donating toward a childhood cancer charity.  (I'd love to recommend this one.)
And, since that initial email was sent, a friend has taken on the task of sending supplies to friends affected by the flooding in Colorado. Maybe you'll donate to that need?

Or maybe there's another need near you that you feel compelled to support... if not, I'd love to help you find one.  As I have said before, in the last 500+ days, some of the times I have felt the most "whole" have been when I've been taking care of the needs of others and not my own.  This is the heartbeat of the Do Good "movement", and it's my hope that you will join us in intentionally Doing Good on September 24th.

What a lovely tribute it would be to my own Daddy, his grandchild, and our community.





Wednesday, September 11, 2013

hard days and tough battles

Overall, we're doing fine.

Overall, we are blessed.

Overall, we have more good days than bad.

BUT... sometimes there are days like today that knock you back a bit.

There are days when the grief of the world around you- recounting tragedy from a horrific moment in our nation's history- takes you down a slippery slope of sadness.

There are moments when you see pregnant women or new babies in passing and realize that you are a mere 13 days away from your due date... and all of that hurt bubbles up to the surface again.

There are times when loving friends around you ask the innocent question, "How are you doing?", and you answer honestly... with tears and truth flowing faster than you can wipe them up.

There are afternoons when you are left making hard decisions about your mother's long term care and you are just sick of being a grown-up.  And in that same afternoon you get sucked in to the vortex of sadness over her condition and you miss your old mom and you just want to go back to a time when she rocked you in that big (ugly?) yellow chair.

There are times when you can't remember something from your family's history and you want to pick up the phone to ask your dad... only to have your heart leap in your throat as you remember.

And there are weeks when you fall out of a healthy routine because of a ridiculous injury that occurred after cutting an avocado and unintentionally stabbing your hand and needing stitches.  So you sit on the couch and allow yourself one more Fresh Prince episode and spiral down toward self-pity and frustration.

And days like this are real.  And are painful.  Both literally and physically thanks to my hand.  And I share all of these thoughts not to have you on red-alert for my mental health, but to say that I'm sure I'm not alone.  Sadly, I know too many who are hurting in their hearts, their lives, their families.  Who knows what their trigger may be- 9/11? a Hallmark ad? a life event?- but when their trigger occurs... they, too, spiral.

Give grace, share love, be patient... we never know what sort of battle someone is facing.
Unless, of course, they are ridiculous enough to post it on their blog.