Wednesday, April 21, 2010
3 weeks ago I had surgery. Through a "random" (we credit God here, not chance) series of events, we discovered that I had a non-cancerous tumor on my kidney. It feels surreal to even say that... a *tumor* on my *kidney*. They removed it, along with part of my kidney. Again, surreal.
As I was recovering that night, I told Dan to email Joanie P. to tell her I was ready to teach again at MOMS... I told her (via Dan's typing) that God had taught me so much that day that I could easily "fill" a morning at MOMS with all my new-found wisdom, so if she ever needed me to pinch hit, I was in.
Two things I learned from that moment:
1. You should never send emails while still on major pain meds... even if you are having your husband buffer them. Just resist the urge. It's kind of like drunk dialing... in general, a bad idea.
2. If I thought God had taught me a lot in Day One, I had no idea what I was in for in the following days.
I have been on an amazing ride over the last month. I've suffered through the worst pain I've ever experienced. I've seen people love on me and my family (and specifically my little girl) in ways that make my heart happy-hurt just to think about. I've been humbled as I've had to continue to ask for help-- from things as "little" as "Can you bring me a hot dog? I'm kinda craving them" to as "big" as "I'm sorry I threw up all over the floor and that you now have to clean it up..." (My husband ultimately wins the Helper of the Year Prize- after our week long experience trying to speed up my bowels he said to me "These are what those vows were all about, huh? In sickness and in health?") I've been surprised to watch life from the "outside" and witness people without being directly involved... I've been impressed by their courage and disappointed by their selfishness- then been reminded it's not my role to judge.
It's all been this intense wave: physical pain wrapped up in crazy emotions of the entire spectrum.
And, now, what is my response?
I started this blog several years ago when Mary's cancer came back as a way to process life. I'm a writer... I've always been a writer (it's just the written form of talking, you know, and I'm a DERN fluent talker). Then about 6 months ago in a snit I decided to make my blog private so I could "talk" about some things I didn't want the world to know about. (My blog even gets it's name from someone in my family who said I should write a book of all the junk that happens in my world and call it "you can't make this @$&% up." I've opted to use "stuff" instead of the 4-letter word she recommended because, after all is said and done, I *do* try to keep it PG.) I've realized in going that route, I'm choosing to take the passive way out and not write as I originally intended to. So now, I've erased those posts that were "not for public consumption" and I'm back on the blog-bandwagon. That's been a lot of what I've learned in the last 23 days- I live in a socially-networked world and I am ready to embrace my role in it. As I've been (even more) addicted to Facebook lately, I've had the chance to catch up on some of your blogs, and now I'm ready to return the favor.
I had a brief moment "on the outside" today and enjoyed catching up with one of my BFFs. I told her that her blog has inspired me to revisit mine. It's amazing that seeing excitement in other people's worlds makes me more mindful of wanting to share the day-to-day of mine. And for that, dear reader, I thank you. Welcome to my blog (or welcome back... I know some of you have been here before)... I promise to go easy on you.