And then... there's radio silence.

Today, as I was catching up on other people's blogs, I realized that mine has been... well... quiet this month.  This post will make the 4th of the month, and that's not like me.  Especially in a time when God is rockin' my world as constantly as He is these days.

So why the radio silence?

I've fallen in to the trap that is unfortunate, but probably fairly common.  I've fallen into the "I'm concerned what you will think" trap.

Worry dolls... just for fun.

Let me clarify, though... I'm not worried what you will think about me.  Clearly, the things that I don't want people to know about me, I choose not to blog about.  While this often functions as a "life journal", it's not my real journal.  You don't get to know all the deep, dark things that are non-blog-appropriate in my life.  (And yes, friends, even Inappropriate Becky knows the difference.)  This blog, NOR my Facebook page are not the places to post said-deep-dark-things.  (I can't tell you how it kills me to read things on Facebook that should not be said there... well... anywhere for that matter.)

I'm not even concerned that this blog will make you not like me.  I feel certain there are some of you who come here just to receive a little burst of happiness from reading what a train wreck I really can be.  I used to think that I was friends with the world and that no one disliked me... then along came a girl in high school who proved me wrong in that area- she couldn't stand me- and I had to face that harsh reality.  I've had those people (you know, the 2 or 3) who don't like me follow me throughout life- shoot, I could even name a couple in my life now... and I'm okay with it.  Truly.  I don't love being un-liked, but I'm okay with it.

I have realized, though, that I am enmeshed with you people... and sometimes this here blog gets misread.  In fact, in the last few weeks, I've had people quote it back to us in ways it was not intended.  I've had my own words... my own thoughts spewed back to us as almost ammunition in ways with which I am not comfortable.  Now hear me out: this is not going to become a passive aggressive venue, either.  I'm not using a public forum to call people to the carpet on their inappropriateness.  But what I am doing is letting you know how my head has handled all of this... it's shut down a bit.

So, dear reader, here's your chance.  I'm giving you an out.  I'm offering you a chance to walk away from the train wreck without watching anymore of the drama.  Unfriend me on Facebook if it helps... Hide my blog... whatever you need to do to work through your issues with me. 

As for me, I'm back in the saddle.  I'm choosing to stand firm in the person that I am becoming.  I'm choosing to ride the roller coaster with those who love me.  I'm choosing to tell you ridiculous stories about my life- like how I've been to a tattoo parlor 3 times in the last six months (yep... and no ink.)  I'm choosing to share with you how every time we attend a MAPP (Foster training) class I get more and more excited about what craziness is getting ready to descend upon our house.  I'm choosing to let you see pictures of my mess- and choosing not to care what you think of it.

Here I am- again- warts and all.

In the last 48 hours, I've been to a Children's Museum, Krispy Kreme, a shopping spree, a MAPP class, "The Smurfs" movie, a science museum, the pediatrician, and back to the movies to see "Friends with Benefits"... and did I mention a tattoo parlor (and no, Mom, I don't have a tattoo.)  There's fun stuff going on in my life, people, and I'd love to tell you about it.  There's also some hard stuff... and we're working through all of that.  I'm thankful to have people on this journey with me. 

I'll be back soon, and I hope you will, too. 

(Coming soon, adorable pictures of E from the last week.  Now, who won't want to see that post?!?!)

Wait... was that about me?

I have laughed lots over this season of blogging at comments many of you have made to me-
"I better answer my phone or you'll blog about me being a bad friend."
"I was going to tell you that, but I was worried you'd blog about me."
"If I tell you this, swear it won't go on your blog."

People... puh-lease.

This magical space on the interwebs is for me to get out my junk.  Not for me to rat you out for your junk, criticize you, or make fun of you publicly.  (Unless you are Wes, then it's fair to mock you in any forum possible.)  Yes, some of you spark the responses I give... when I'm hurt by your words or actions, though, it doesn't make me want to talk bad about you, it makes me want to figure out why I responded the way the I did.  I have said on multiple occasions this year that people's lack of attention to my needy self has caused me to realize I am just that- needy.  It's not always about you, people... it's about me.

One of the things I am learning is to not be passive aggressive in life.  This has been my language of choice (or by default) for seasons of my life: you wrong me, I'll sit and wait for you to figure out what you did wrong before I talk to you again.  You don't include me, fine... I won't include you either.  You hurt my feelings, I'll pout or ignore it completely rather than not confront it.

That, my friends, is crap.

It's wrong, it's juvenile, and it's wholly not holy.

While I am still working out the kinks in this, I am here to tell you this is not what this site is for.  I may choose to be passive in moments when it is appropriate... but my days of being passive aggressive are done.

So when you read something I wrote and wonder "is that about me?"... it may be.  But in all honesty and total disclosure... it's way more likely about me.

Carry on with your life, friends... and, again... Jenny?  Answer your phone or I'll write a full piece about you.  It will be titled "Why Jenny continues to hurt my feelings" or "Why am I still friends with Jenny?"  (I said I would be less passive aggressive... I never promised to be less sarcastic.)