stuff. (or simply, how I am addicted to Amazon Prime.)

I am a "stuff" person.  I realize that in all of my "I don't want to be so First World-y" thoughts, this is a contradiction.  I've read all the books, and I agree with them in theory... but in practice, I'm a stuff girl.

Yep. I'm not quite the extreme of Madame Blueberry, but I understand her issues.

Part of my issues are healthy.  In the idea of "Love Languages", mine ends up being a tie between "Words of Encouragement" and "Gifts".  (Which is probably why I love stationery so much.  Words of encouragement packaged as a gift?  Perfection.)

But part of this is unhealthy.  The unhealthy stems from the time when we didn't have money when we were first married.  Those tight years of making returns to Wal-mart at the end of the month because we needed cash more than we needed the unopened item are moments that are permanently etched in my head- and more so in my heart.

Now that we are not as strapped financially, the decision to make purchases comes quite easier.  In fact, too easily sometimes.  Rather than think about if I *really* need to body tattoo glitter pens, I click on sweet little Amazon, add it to my cart, and within an instant it is heading my way.  (Yes, this happened.  Saturday.  And yes, the package is scheduled to arrive on my doorstep this afternoon.  I'll be sending all of your children home from events at my house this summer glittered up like a bad prom dress.  You're welcome.)  Rather than think about if I *really* need the coffee that I had at Laurie's that was so yummy, I click on sweet little Amazon, add it to my cart, and within days I'm drinking it for breakfast.

Free shipping!  Instant gratification!  Win!

Realistically, some of that is frugality.  I chose to find the cheapest version of the coffee, I saved myself a trip to the store, and I saved myself a moment from being tempted to buy something else.

But what about the little guy making coffee down the street that I care so much about?

And what about the waste I end up with because I buy in a moment of want rather than need?

And even more... what about the frustration I feel when I go into Elizabeth's room and see just how much CRAP she has accumulated... the stuff-apple hasn't fallen far from the stuff-tree.

I can justify all day long my reasons for buying things.  And in the end, some are valid, some are not.  Some are mere retail therapy- and in the last year of my life, I will admit that there are moments that even a "bad" purchase can feel great.  But, ultimately, that's not what I want to teach Elizabeth.  That's also not how I want to live my life.

In this "middle space" of learning who I am now, I am hopeful to change.  While I know I won't give up shopping, nor will I give up gift giving, I hope to give up impulsive buying.  I hope to think more about where my money is going and how it is "doing good"... and not merely making me feel good in the moment.  I hope to purge the unnecessary clutter from my house- from my life- and live more simply.  I also hope that I have friends who will celebrate second hand gifts in the days and weeks to come as I begin the big purge.

This is not a cry for help.  Shoot, it's not even a cry for accountability.  It's merely a girl thinking through her junk and wondering if you share some of the same issues.  If you have some of the same, I'd love to hear about it.  If not, congratulations.  And for the rest of you, your children will sill benefit from the same glittered up glory in the days to come.  Again, you're welcome.

pride.

When I was a kid and had to sell things (Girl Scout cookies, school fundraiser chotskies, etc.), in my house we would buy the bare minimum rather than having to ask people to buy my things.  I never went door-to-door selling gift wrap, coupon books, etc.  E is having a similar childhood already- except this time, I have Facebook.  ("We're selling coupon books for MMP... anyone want to buy one?" is likely my status at some point in September.)  She has not yet entered the realm of me sending her out hawking her wares.

I don't like asking people for money.

I remember when I was considering going on IV Staff- that was one of my biggest hangups: the fundraising.  I remember talking about it with my staff worker, Dan, and he enlightened me to the world of raising support.  He shared with me that while the one going/doing/serving does indeed need the money, it's often just as important for the one sending to do their part to give.

I don't like asking people for money, but I get this.

When I've been unable to go to Haiti to help people in times of crisis, I appreciate that I am sending someone on my behalf.  When I can't travel with my friends to India, I like to think I'm part of their team by helping them get there.  Even as the Williamses have gone through their road to adoption- God has clearly called our family to be part of their financial journey.  There have been moments of near bliss for us as we've aided their family's way... so I get this.

Until I have to ask for money.

As I've been recruited to be a "helper" on their trip to Africa, finances have clearly come in to play.  I have to pay for all the things that one would need to get there: a passport, shots, plane tickets, etc.  And I've not been part of a large fundraising effort- a 5 K, a yardsale, whatever... (although, sidenote: our neighborhood is having a yardsale on Saturday and I will be selling whatever is not nailed down in our house so that I can have some extra cash!).  (And, another sidenote: at the Williams' yardsale, their daughter made a lemonade stand that had a jar with a label that read "A's plane ticket money".  It was encouraged I put up a beer/wine stand and put a jar saying "Becky's plane ticket money"... but even for someone inappropriate, I do know my limits.)  Anyway, it feels strange to ask people to "support" my trip- even though God has clearly called me there to be part of it.

Know why?

Pride.

It is a painful thing to say to people to people...  because what my head hears as this: "If we hadn't been so stupid when we first got married which you don't even know about likely and gotten into debt and then took years to get to where we were in a good place and heck even tithing regularly this wouldn't be an issue and even though we are much more financially sound now it still hurts when we don't have piles of cash lying around that we can take baths in not that we would but I'd like to see what that was like maybe and sometimes I wonder if I'll forever have this fear of money on my back like I did when we were first married and sometimes we still struggle in huge ways financially but not nearly as much as most of the world's population and yes I know I'm married to a doctor but he doesn't bring home the huge figures you may imagine and yes I know he only works 4 days a week and I get that he could work a lot more and make a lot more money but that's not really the point and honestly we pay our bills and we are even putting on a deck right now because God has been faithful to bring us to such a good place in regards to our finances but the moment I have to ask someone for financial help it reminds me of all that crap from years gone by and makes me realize we don't have millions of dollars in savings for a rainy day... or just a normal day in Africa".

Whew.

That's a lot of pride right there, ladies and gentlemen.  The sad reality is this: until God heals my crap, I will always feel like I have to justify things financially.  I don't want to be that girl that responds with "it was on sale!" when you tell me you like my dress.  Or the one that says "we saved and saved for it and got a good deal" when you ask me about my new deck.  But the truth is I have a lot of past crap I still need to sort through.

I IM'ed Laurie yesterday and told her that I would email the 2 friends who'd in the past offered plane ticket help if I needed it.  Her response was so pure and straightforward: "Good!  Everyone has a role to play in caring for orphans.  Maybe this is theirs."

So simple.  So true.

It's amazing to me how much God is teaching all of us by their family's adoption process.  We're all learning about how God does miracles, comes to our aid, and cares for His children.  Now He's gently reminding me that I have some pride-wrapped-in-fear-wrapped-in-pain that I need to work on.  Because it's not about me "asking for money"... when it comes down to it, it's me allowing people that same joy of partnering with God's plan for those kids' adoption.  They aren't funding a fun roadtrip for me and my bestie (although, bonus!), they are aiding in the plan to get these kids home!  I have the privilege of being the hands and feet of so many that want to be part... why am I letting my pride get in the way of that blessing in their lives?

Now, all this said... THIS IS NOT A CRY FOR HELP or even a request for a donation.  If God is calling you to aid in orphan care, hooray! But I'm not begging all of you reading this for money.  I'm simply sharing my story to show you what God is teaching me.  I am thankful for those of you who agreed to help- and the rest of you... just pray.  K?

Here's hoping I get to update really soon with a departure date.... and hoping I get to update a post later of how God is working on my pride, too.

Affluence

af·flu·ence

[af-loo-uhns or, often, uh-floo-] 

–noun

1.

abundance of money, property, and other material goods;riches; wealth.

2.

an abundant supply, as of thoughts or words; profusion.

3.

a flowing to or toward; afflux.

While Dan and I were driving to Hilton Head yesterday, we heard this show on NPR about being "rich".  (Yes, I'm well aware of the irony of this statement.)  Given all that God has been teaching me about money (and my wee obsession with it) lately, it was interesting to hear the story about how much money is "enough", what makes you "rich", what makes you "wealthy."

Over a year ago, I first did Jen Hatmaker's study on the book "Interrupted" which discusses all that The Church has done to neglect the poor, the needy, the widowed, the orphaned... those "without".  True.  Fact.

And, yes, all you people who think I stay perched on my liberal-do-gooder-tree-hugger-soapbox... she was talking to me, too.  In fact, she was YELLING at me about how selfish I am.  How I waste money on stupid stuff that could go to people who need it.  How I, a stay at home mom in the suburbs, am RICH.  Because I am.

Dan and I don't qualify in the category that the NPR show was talking about... but we completely saw the irony of listening to this show as we were pulling in to Hilton Head.  (Those of you who've not been?  It's not a "cheap" beach.)  We drove past the expensive car dealerships, past the golf courses, past the plantations... and we were among the affluence.

Sometimes irony is enough to laugh at... and sometimes it's enough to punch you in the face.

Here's the kicker: we ain't got no money.  (Sorry, Mrs. Bell, I know that grammar makes you cringe... but it was really just poetic license.  I know that "ain't" don't usually go with "no".) 

This trip kind of sprung up on us... usually we go earlier in the fall... but this trip kind of just happened, and we hadn't budgeted for it properly.  In the last month (read: this paycheck) had to buy a car, fix our air conditioner, fund birthday festivities, etc.  We didn't quite plan for a beach week.

(Side note: before you blame me for being a total dork when it comes to money... which I am... by accusing me for booking a vacation and then forgetting it... let me take this moment to say- my mom is treating us to this week.  There, I've said it.  I'm in my mid-thirties and I let my mommy pay for a week at the beach.)

So here we are, already having spent all our fun money this month (which lasts until NOVEMBER 15) and I'm feeling "poor".   Uh-huh.  I am.  Because I can't go to the outlets and shop like crazy, like I'd like to.  Because I can't go to the killer sale at Belk and shop like crazy, like I'd like to.  Because I can't go to all the cutesie gift stores and shop like crazy, because I'd like to.  Because I can't buy all of the meals while we are here for us and my mom, because I'd like to.  Because I can't, because I can't, because I can't.... poor me.

Seriously, I feel sick even writing all of that self-centered bull crap.

I have a home what we can afford to pay the mortgage on... and the utilities.  I send my daughter to preschool and even buy ridiculous things (like photo sculptures and quintets) that go along with it.  I keep my daughter clothed and even "trendy"... and while the majority of her clothes are second hand, I can buy her those things I just have to have (yes, I said it... "I" have to have, not "she" has to have...).  I eat out with my husband and daughter regularly, and almost always have a fully stocked pantry.  I buy things at sales... but still, I can afford to pay for them.  And, wait for it... I have, on average, taken THREE vacations per year in the last few years.  One to Hilton Head with my mom, one to Kure Beach to see Dan's family, and one to Disney World with just us... PER YEAR.

I.  Am.  Rich.

Now, I can justify my way out of a paper bag, so I won't even go there.  I can tell you that all of these vacations are about family... which they are... but I'll tell you the truth:  I am rich.

So the next time I say I can't afford a pumpkin spice latte, you have my permission to laugh in my face.  When I am frustrated that we can't afford our new deck, you can also laugh.  When I can't go to the Buckhead Betties sale, laugh.  When I can't... whatever... you can laugh.  I will tell you now that it will hurt my feelings, piss me off, make me feel like crap... but I kind of deserve it.

Right now, my heart is torn between feeling like crap (see: above) and feeling content because of what we saw tonight...

While in the land of the affluent (HHI), I will choose to enjoy the blessing of being here.  I will choose to enjoy the time with my family.  And I will choose not to get sucked in to the tide of Keeping Up With The Joneses... or even keeping up with myself.  


As God continues to teach me where my money needs to go, I will continue to listen.  I will continue to spend and save as He prompts... and give until it hurts.


And, I will quit saying I don't have money... because that is a freakin' joke.


*********************
One last PS?  I can't find the checks that the gals from Book Club gave me on Thursday night.  I know they're not lost, I just misplaced them as I packed.  At the beginning of this post, I was pissed about it... now I just think it's kind of funny.

Days like this...

In the grand scheme of life... I can't complain right now.

But I'm going to.

So here goes.

Exhibit A: On my way back from Dollar General tonight (had to get more safety pins for E's school's clothing sale), Dan's "Service Engine" light came on.  Seriously.  We had *just* said that we would have to get a new (to us) car the next time something happens to that car.  We cannot afford to continue to pour money into it.  (And did I mention our lawnmower died last week?  Yep.  Dead.)

Exhibit B: I went up in the attic to get stuff down for the sale and almost had a panic attack... I kept thinking I was gonna fall out.  And that would be reason enough to get wheezey, but add to that (Exhibit Pre-A) that I went to the pulmonologist earlier today to find I have an Upper Respiratory Infection... I'm on a Z-pack and Prednisone.  Rawesome.

Exhibit C: While we were upstairs, we realized our air conditioning isn't working.  Which would be great, since it's fall now, right?  And not the 900 degree summer?  Except that because of Exhibit Pre-A, I can't have a house with open windows  right now... pollen count and all.  Super.

Exhibit A.1: Dan leaves to drive across the state on Thursday... with his jacked up car.

Exhibit A+C: We are trying to save for a deck... because ours is about to FALL OFF OF OUR HOUSE AND SOMEONE WILL DIE AND SUE US AND THEN... wait... I get ahead of myself.  Seriously, our deck is ruined... and now that money will have to go to a car payment and a new AC Unit.

So, in the midst of 4 hours of chaos... what can I learn from this?
1. That Emily's Dad was wrong... I should NOT have been a lawyer.  Clearly, did you people see how I laid out evidence?  Shameful.

2. That God and Ryan Murphy love me more than the rest of you, because together they brought a FREAKIN-FANTASTIC episode of Glee tonight.  "Mr. Shue, I want your babies!"  Priceless.

3. That whether or not we get a deck (any of you want to build one in exchange for free ice breakers?), we are in such a better financial place than we were 9 years ago... I can't complain.  Well, I can (see above Exhibits), but I shouldn't.

4. That putting together cute invitations to a cute Halloween party is soothing... I really should do more of this these days.

5. That looking through E's old clothes makes me aware how blessed we are.

and... wait for it...

6. That SIX MONTHS ago I was getting ready to have surgery to remove my tumor.  And despite this junky night, I'm thankful I'm not there...   It's frustrating to be here, but I'm not in the hospital, yelling profanities (whoops) at nurses whose job in life it was to hurt me, in too much pain to cry, and away from my girl.  Instead, I'm at home with my family.

I'll take it.

And, once again, after hanging up with one of my oldest and dearest friends (preschool! Brownie camp!), I watched this:




I've seen it about 10 times today... and it still makes me smile.  And about 10 yesterday.  If I can teach E this... I'll be doing okay.  (Yes, I know I posted it as a link yesterday, but come on... can you stand how cute it is?)

Sometimes it takes old friends who you've shared 32 years of life with to remind you of that... and to just hear them laugh.  And while I'm at it, here's one of my favorite pics of all time:

Aunt Christy and E (9 months) Girls Weekend 2007

Good times.

ps... I guess this is 6.a.  I go back in to the doctor's in a couple of weeks for a check-up and to monitor the growth of those other little tumors they saw.  I sure would appreciate those prayers...  no innocent nurses need to deal with me again in the future...