Alarm clocks and Polly and joy.

Dan's alarm clock woke me up this morning. Early. And loud. Louder, truly, than during the week because for some reason he had changed it from the regular "beep" that is maddening to a "radio" setting.  Honestly, I didn't even know that his alarm clock had a radio on it.  But it was LOUD. And it was early.  And I was frustrated.


The last few weeks have been rough- to say the least- for our family.  I have been drowning a bit- and can admit that now as I am coming out of that space.  Several weeks ago it became apparent that something big was going to change in my beloved job.  I was in regular contact with our board chair- nothing was a surprise for me- but my heart has been broken as we have put The Abraham Project on hold for the upcoming year.  I don't know if down the road it will rebirth itself as something new or not.  But as of now, this program I have fallen head over heels in love with has come to an end.

At the beginning of those weeks of conversations about closing it down, I'll admit that I took part of it personally.  Then I began to see that parts that were outside of my control and then my heart was able to look more clearly at what truth was already there- that to all things, there is a season.

Unfortunately, during the same time this was all going down, it hit Elizabeth for the first time that her Mimi wouldn't be there for her 5th grade graduation.  This was the first "big" event that Mimi hasn't been there for, and it stirred up in both of us the realization that this is what a future without her looks like.

And to create the perfect storm, after going through 4 pregnancies, 1 birth, and loads of issues along the way, we determined that I need some minor surgical help to take care of parts of my body that weren't "cooperating" with what was normally expected of them.

The week of Elizabeth's graduation is when we announced TAP was closing and when I got the call to schedule my surgery.  Of course it was.

Now, one week post-surgery, I'm doing well, Elizabeth is fine (and is excited to be one of the Cats today in Seussical the Musical!), and plans are coming right along to make our TAP closure smooth.  All of that is said with no tears- the storm has happened and I am safely to the shore.

Back to this morning: that damn alarm clock.

Dan and I were hosted for a delightful dinner party last night.  There was great conversation, amazing food and wine, and it was the first time I'd put on "real clothes" in a week. (I came downstairs and both girls ooohed and aaaahed... maybe a week in PJs is more than they're used to for me?  Let's be honest... probably not.)  We got in late and both girls were awake.  Julianna took more convincing than E that it was time to sleep, so I was grateful we had nothing early on our Saturday morning agenda.

Until that damn alarm.

Frustrated and awake, I started catching up on social media.  So many pictures of vacations and exciting things.  So many political and painful posts.  And then I saw it:  a sweet woman I had the privilege of hanging out with last fall during Medicine and Ministry had died.  When we hung out in November, I had absolutely no idea that she was unwell.  And yet, today she is gone.  It literally took my breath away.  


From our brief time together here's what I know about her life:  she loved her husband.  She loved her job.  She loved her daughter.  She made it a point to maintain friendships she had from years past (I happen to be mutual friends with two of them!).  She was fun and wise and calm and a delight to be with.  And now, she is gone.

Our family has gotten in the habit of watching James Cordon's Carpool Karaoke together.  This one brought us all to tears.  I told Dan that if I were famous, I think I would want to be like Paul McCartney.  I get the feeling that he enjoyed this day- bringing joy to everyone he interacted with.  James Cordon does it too- he makes people light up around him.  I want that.  Dan, being the good doting husband taking care of his post-break down wife, encouraged me that on some level I do that now... but oh, to be able to say that across the board.  I want to bring people joy and make them light up.  Polly did that for me.

Yes, there will be job losses.  There will be bug bites like the ones on my elbow (!!) that are currently making me bonkers.  There will be events where loved ones aren't there.  There will be surgeries that bring out our anxiety.  There will be alarm clocks that ruin good sleep on the one morning you plan to sleep in.  But there will also be Pollys.  And Pauls.  And Jameses.  And joy.

Dan and I are heading off to our own version of summer camp after we drop of the girls at theirs on Sunday.  We are indulging in seeing a couple Broadway shows and going to the concert of my favorite band.  All of those events were decided before we knew that I would be 10 days post-op.  Rather than let my physical limitations ruin our trip, we've just altered our schedule and planned more down time.  We're choosing joy.

Here's to the people around you who bring you light.  The ones who bring you meals for your family.  The ones who swoop in and send a card at the perfect moment.  The ones who make you laugh even when it hurts.  The ones who serve good wine.  The ones who send you silly gifts.  The ones who constantly play Words with Friends with you while you're recovering.  The ones who recommend new shows to watch.  The ones who hold your hand.  The ones who bring you joy.

May we all know those kind of people... and more importantly... may we try to be those kind of people.

And may we always remember to turn off our alarm clocks on Friday night.

Rest in the light of joy and peace, sweet Polly.

Being "Here".

The past few weeks have been bananas for us.  Including my upcoming travel this week, out of 53 days, I will have been gone 23 of them. That's 43%!  43% of the days have been not in Winston, not with my people.

I know that so many of you travel for your job- and this is nothing new to you... but I am not one of those people.  I enjoy travel- especially when it comes to vacations or visiting those I love- but being gone nearly half of the time is too much.  And lets face it, I'm not the spring chicken I used to be... bouncing back from this amount of travel has taken it's toll on my body.

During those 53 days, I've seen some of my dearest friends and colleagues.  I've enjoyed time at Great Wolf Lodge with my big girl (and got to see some of our Foster Friends, too.)  I've been to the mountains, the beach, and back to the mountains again.  I've eaten good food, hiked beautiful views, shopped, and read books.  I've also slept in uncomfortable beds, had allergy attacks, gotten sick to my stomach, been worried about a lice outbreak (we're clear, don't worry), and missed some key events that the extrovert side of me hated missing.

While we're talking about personality types, let's acknowledge that one... on the Myers-Briggs test, I always score just over the line as an extrovert.  Which means that my introvert side is very high.  And for at least 90% of these away trips, I've been required to be "on"... which makes my introvert side feel like it's drowning.  Yes, I am a people person... but I regain that energy by withdrawing and recharging alone.

Today when someone at church asked me how I've been doing, my response was, "Well, I'm here."  While that may have appeared to seem tongue in cheek to my scattered appearance or disposition, it was more honestly an acknowledgment of the beauty of actually being home.  I missed church one week because of sickness and I will miss 3 weeks because of travel.  That means that of 9 Sundays, I'm missing or have already missed 4. That's another 44%.

For a lot of people, missing church isn't a huge big deal.  For me, it is.

And none of that has to do with guilt.

It's honestly doesn't have to do with me missing the chance to "worship"... because I've felt more connected to God than I have in a very long time.

But I've not been connected to my Church Family.

Being with them this evening for Trunk or Treat made me realize just how much I've missed them.

Being gone from my own family has been difficult- Julianna and Elizabeth have both needed their Momma.  My house was a hot mess when I got home from my trips.  Laundry has piled up- and this is no knock on Dan, this is just the state of how things get when we're out of sync.

In the same way, I'm out of rhythm at church.  Part of participating fully in worship is being present... and I have not been.  While I can get "what I need" from attending periodically, I'm not fully enjoying the connection of being part of The Church when my attendance is spotty.

This is not a plug from Father Steve or our Vestry.  This is not something sponsored by those of us working to get people connected through our Welcoming Ministry.  In fact, this isn't even about our church specific.

Instead, as I've looked at my most recent schedule and my slack church attendance... I have to realize that I'm not alone.  Surely some of you have been gone too... for 44% of the time or more.  Know that you're not alone.  And know that it never matters how long you've been gone... you're always welcome.  Don't have somewhere that you miss when you're gone?  You're welcome to join me at St. Timothy's.

Being "Here" is not always high praise for my mental or physical state... but I look forward to the day when I'm Here more often.  Until then, I'll jump in when I'm able and continue to reach out to my Church when I'm not.  I can't expect they'll know how I'm doing until I tell them... and those days when I'm not Here might be the times when I need them even more.

Grace and Peace.

(and thanks, Beckie, for the pics.)

Piles and Rugs and Pain and Faith

Growing up, I thought that by the time I was "an adult", I would be done changing.  I assumed that by the time I was "grown up"... and surely being 40 would be grown up... I would be who I was for better or for worse.  Right?

Wrong.

Our house has been one big pile recently.  Piles of paperwork, piles of plastic toys, piles of Julianna and Elizabeth's clothes because they continue to get bigger and outgrow them before I can even put up the most recent load of laundry, piles of photo albums, piles of books I bought but haven't read, piles of things that make me feel overwhelmed.

I am just now able to sort through those piles.

That was a side of grief I wasn't prepared for.  The debilitating feeling of being overwhelmed.  Not even seeing an end in sight- so much to do, such a constant reminder of being the only one who is going to be able to get it done.

Also in those piles of being overwhelmed- somewhere tucked in between the death of each of my parents- was the remnants of my previous faith.

I never renounced my faith.

I did, however, try to work through how my faith looked on the other side of chaos.

I never doubted the reality of Jesus.

I did, however, wonder how a sovereign God lined up with all of the pain we experienced.

I never ran away from the Lord I knew so well.

I did, however, yell at Him with all I had in me.

In all of the chaos... in all of our piles... as my new self is starting to break out of the debris... I am just now starting to deal with the crap left behind.  I am just now filling bag after bag of trash, making lots of trips to Goodwill, and sorting through some precious heirlooms that I've been handed.

One of the material things we've "inherited" is a rug that was in my Mom's house.  Mom didn't have air conditioning until a few years before we sold her house.  (One benefit of living in the woods is that we rarely needed a/c!)  We're not sure what happened during the installation, but something made the entirety of Mom's house smell like burning rubber for a while.  (Comforting, right?)  The smell eventually went away- except for in that rug.

It's not a smell we necessarily like, but it definitely reminds us of Mom's house.

That's how so many of the things are in our house now... and in my faith.  I don't always like what I smell, or see, or feel... but I'm grateful for what it reminds me of.  The places I've been.  The people who have mentored me.  And the faith that is evolving.

We are still nothing more than a bunch of piles in this house.  There is a good chance that when you stop by, we'll have to move the laundry before you'll have a place to sit.  But I'm hopeful that eventually the piles won't bring panic and pain, but will show the strength of where we've been.  Even when we have a bizarre smell because of it... maybe eventually it will make us all feel a bit nostalgic.

Growing up is hard.

Maybe when I get to be an adult, it won't seem like it's been that difficult.

I'll let you know when I get there.

normal.

For the last 3 years, I have been in a state of holding my breath.

I feared we would never hit "normal" again.  Nothing could be normal without Daddy ... after learning of my Mom's dementia... after losing friends to death... after feeling like we lived in a continual state of loss.

And yet here we are.  Normal.

This is what my new normal looks like:

I have an 8 year old who is funny, too smart for me, and helps me navigate our new world.  She keeps me thinking through my answers as her questions challenge me daily.  She is light and laughter and consistency in my days that are chaos.

I am the proud legal guardian of a beautiful, stubborn, and sweet 2 year old.  She has brought us hope in times that we couldn't conjure it up without her.  She loves loudly and deeply and fiercely... and we are thankful for the charge to help guide all of that energy in a safe and loving environment.

I have a mother who is constantly losing who she is.  Her face and sometimes mannerisms remind me of days gone by, but her current dementia filled days make me ache for our old "normal".  I go through times where I can't remember the good... and I am grateful for those who come along side me and fill my heart and mind with memories of her grace, dignity, and wisdom.

I have a precious husband who is often my barometer of pause.  He tells me when I should slow down, encourages me to write more, and will often bring out the next bottle of wine when days are as lovely as they were yesterday and our deck is filled with an impromptu gathering.

I have a faith that is changing and growing... I feel a bit like it's made of Silly Putty- words of days gone by are still imprinted on it, yet in moments I've allowed it to grow harder than is malleable.  I long for the soft and stretchy ease, yet I'm certain that I'm to learn something new in this season.

I have a home that is messy and fluid.  This past week was our Spring Break and we saw friend after friend come through our doors, leaving their mark on our hearts as we enjoyed what spice they add to our home.  Never have I enjoyed a Spring Break more... although I need to detox from the food and drinks and sleep for about 34986 more hours.

And this is our new normal.  Days filled with love and loss and joy and pain and heartache and celebration.  Normal.

I have cringed a bit lately as a few well-meaning friends have suggested that the addition of our sweet  girl is somehow supposed to fill the gap of losing our most recent baby.  While we love that their stories overlap and intersect (we think that Baby J was born right about the time our baby died), one is not a replacement for the other.  One brings hope and mothering into a bleak heart of loss... yet a life cannot be traded one for another.  Yet that is where we are- celebrating the life of one as we remember the loss of the other.  Normal.

I guess this is what being fully human is about.  Holding on to normal quite loosely, realizing that it changes moment by moment.  Trying not to get stuck in the longing for easier days, trying not to wish away the current moment while still anticipating the next.  Reaching out for spicy friends when our own bowl has become bland.  Returning the favor for others by pouring the wine when we are able. Reading and praying and writing and hugging and laughing and crying.  Encouraging others- no matter what their normal looks like- that we will gather with them through it all.

Peace and grace.
And hope for your Normal to be filled with Light, as we exhale together.

Making a Path

Today is Elizabeth's second day of school.  She got on the bus yesterday morning full of excitement and possibility- beyond proud of her Hogwarts backpack and ready to see all that Second Grade would hold in store.  As I walked to the car later that morning, my sweet neighbor (who has an only child herself and fully understands all that each landmark holds) asked me how I was doing. Funny enough, yesterday's new adventure seemed shadowed by the minutae of the morning: the baby pouring hot coffee down my pants, finding our dog had destroyed a bag of garbage all over our bedroom floor, realizing E's fish tank pump was broken.

I spent the remainder of the day tending to those crises of the morning, and trying to get my feet under me with a late afternoon bus, a fussy baby, and all that comes with Back to School life. So, to answer my neighbor, yesterday came and went without the heart pangs of realizing my baby is growing up too quickly and instead being grateful for her help.

This summer was a blur. We got started on "summer" so late thanks to the end of school chaos of responsibilities there, then heading straight into Vacation Bible School at our church. We lived up trips to Wild Goose, Wet and Wild, the beach, Camp of Kids, Merriwood, art camp, Oonie Koonie Cha, and reading book after book after book. So many things around our house got put on the back burner as I tried to be intentional about living in the moment with the girls and tried to be as present as I was able (minus a few interruptions of Netflix binges and Frozen Freefall.)

So today I find myself beginning the process of making a path. Those of you who know the events of our last few years understand that we have inherited lots of items from my Daddy's house, my Mom's house, and most recently my Grandparent's house. In the grief of shock of the Daddy's death, some of the things of his house got put away until I was able to deal with them. I had just gone through them when we brought in items from Mom's. Some days as I sorted through box after box, I just couldn't take it anymore. I would feel like I was drowning with the reality of losing both of my parents- and in those moments of drowning, I would often close the door to our garage and walk away from the task at hand. Add to that our tendency to tuck things away that need more attention than we could give... our storage room and our garage have become unbearable. From time to time we would stick things "out of the way" to deal with later.

Now is the later.

This summer, I began making a path through my pain. With the help of good friends, good routine, good truth, good meds, and good intentions... I have set my mind on not just surviving this season of life, but thriving in it. I am trying to no longer just stick things "out of the way." Just like our garage, that is a process. I have pushed things to the side so often that there are lots of layers to sort through as my heart continues to heal.

And just like my heart, our garage has layers upon layers of stories. The chalkboard one of my grandparents used in school. My Mom's Day International water bottle. My Daddy's ash tray. Elizabeth's bike that is too small. My Grandmother's painting of The Last Supper. Extra water balloons from this summer's water balloon fight. With each memory I unpack, sort, purge, and process. Some pieces make me think of friends who could use that item better. This process not only becomes a practical "To Do" task, but a spiritual one as well as I pray for those people who are called to my mind.

I am far from done. But there is now I clear path- letting me know I can function in the days to come. 

procrastination

Dan asked me this morning why I've not been blogging more recently and there is only one reason: I've been busy.  We are headed to the beach next week and I feel certain that all of these thoughts rolling around in my head will be a blog post or two... those of you who read my blog will see them.  Those of you who only read it when it shows up on Facebook will likely miss it, because that new set up is *jacked*.

For now, though, I'll tell you a few things about our life lately... mainly because I need to clean our house.

1. I hate the new Facebook set up.

2. I am cleaning our house because our Foster Care home study is tomorrow night. We finished our classes in August and have had a hard time getting our end of things done. It seems like things tend to explode a lot around here- that's our "normal"- but it's unfortunate when the explosions get in the way of getting the good stuff done.  I made the assumption that DSS would be the ones slowing things down- not us.  Whoops.

3. College Ministry makes me happy. I have had lots of good time/good talks lately with our students and I'm reminded how thankful I am to get to be part of their lives.

4. Monday, I needed someone to keep E so we could get some paperwork done. Laurie swooped in to keep her for a few hours. Yesterday, I returned the favor and kept 3/4 of her kids so she could take the remaining 1/4 to the doctor. (Dan's comment was: "What do people who don't live in community do?") I remember shying away from wanting to live in this neighborhood because it would appear too co-dependent. Yeah, I'm over that now. It's good, y'all...

5. I made pumpkin spice cookie "sandwiches" last night (think: oatmeal creme pie but with pumpkin spice cookies and cream cheese frosting). Oh. My. Word. And, they go well with coffee for breakfast... so I've been told.

6. I hung out with a friend in the preschool parking lot for 20 minutes this morning. We hadn't talked in a while. We talked about the craziness (no pun intended) of Mental Health Care in this state and about how happy we are in our marriages. It made a rainy morning a little more cheery.

7. Back in the day, my 2 BFFs from high school and I would use fake names on our return address labels.  We would always put (when sending mail to each other) our real address but we'd put the name of one of the people we graduated with.  It was a fun game of "remember them?"  Now, most all of them/you are on Facebook... so it's less funny.  But it's still kinda funny.

8. In that same line of funny, I like to pretend to be other people when receptionists answer at work and say "Who may I say is calling?"... Anne gets calls from Michelle Obama on a regular basis.

9. My daughter is one of the funniest people I know.  And the most emotional.  And I love it.

10. Next week we will be staying at the same place at the beach that I stayed with 6 of my friends during Senior Beach Week in 1994.  Now if that doesn't freak you out a bit I don't know what does.  Dan always reminds me I don't have to walk down Memory Lane with him...

That's it for now... expect more "meaningful" posts next week.  For now, the office upstairs needs my attention... I should really stop procrastinating.

Important Things for a Friday

I have so enjoyed my mornings for the last few months... and today I decided to let you all in on a little bit of "why".

I have a thing for coffee cups.

Ridiculous, I know... but I feel like they set the tone for my day.  I try not to be superstitious, or even just a little bit stitious, but it matters to me what mug I use.  And today, dear friends, you can peak into my usual selection. *Please note, a couple of my faves are dirty. Sorry.

Left to Right:
1. Mug from Coffee Tavern. Old coffee shop in North Wilkesboro where I sat one sad day in December writing Christmas Cards while Dan was on a rotation at the medical practice where he currently works.  I had just had a miscarriage and couldn't handle being alone all day, so I set up shop there and he came to spend his lunch break with me. That day was restorative for my soul.

2. Mug from HillSong Church. My church in college, my first job. A body of believers where I grew in more ways than I could ever imagine... and where I found out that I truly could be "Inappropriate Becky" and still love Jesus.

3. Mug from Just As I Am. Former coffee shop/cool venue on Lexington Avenue in Asheville. It was a Christian coffee house with good food and good live music. My friend, Kristen, and I frequented there are clients and later volunteered our services as workers.

4. Mug from Wings. Last summer, the week we spent at Kure Beach was one of my richest times all year of prayer and time with Jesus.  So, in a totally inappropriate move, I redistributed mugs. (I bought a new one to replace this one... because... I'm a little superstitious and wanted to take this one home with me.)  (Weird, right?)

5. Mug from Pier One. Gift from best friend in college. This is the second edition of this mug, because the first one met an untimely death in the dorm. Said-BFF kindly replaced it after I cried big girl crocodile tears when the first one shattered.

6. Polka Dotta Mug. Gift from a family member who bestowed me with it as a way to let me know she loved me as one of her own.

7. Mug from Woolworth Walk in Downtown Asheville. Purchased a month ago on Girls Weekend. Because I have a current obsession with birds... and coffee mugs. When rationalizing whether or not to buy this mug, I was "encouraged" to buy it because our hotel room only had 2 mugs and there were three of us.  Right. Because I needed an excuse.

And today's winner for morning coffee:

8. This beautiful pottery mug I bought this summer at the Farmer's Market in Wilmington. Our summer was, as Fran put it yesterday at MOMS, a stormy mess... this mug was a reminder to me that God was clearly our port in that storm.

I'm a gift person... yes, even gifts to myself.  When I pick up one of these mugs, I'm reminded either who gave it to me or the reason that the place from where it came is so special to me. It sets the stage for my day- and allows my mind to think back on what God has done for me as I look forward to what's next.  "Here I raise mine Ebenezer" and all that jazz... all I know is that my day looks more promising before me after I enjoy thinking back on what has been before.

The best part of waking up... is picking out a coffee cup.

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Sidenote: Y'all know I'm a fan of Triad Moms on Main, right?  Remember when I blogged for them about my adventures in Africa?  Well, they are in a competition for NATIONAL recognition from Parent's Magazine for being the best local blog.  (Now, I know y'all think this one is, but mine is part of theirs, right? :) ) Can you take a few minutes to vote for them?  You'll be registered to win a $100 savings bond... and as of now your odds are pretty good. (Some people aren't patient enough to go through the registration process.)  Here's what they said this morning: 

You can WIN a $100 SAVINGS BOND simply by voting for Triad Moms on Main in a Best Local Blog Contest! Right now, only 30 people have registered to win, so your chances are GREAT! It only takes a few minutes to vote. Then you just comment on the TMoM website to tell them you voted and you are registered to win!  Click on the link below for more info and please vote for TMoM!!!  http://triadmomsonmain.com/_blog/My_Blog/post/Parents_Magazine_Best_Blog/

And if you win, I'll let you buy me a coffee mug.  Good luck!

In July...

Looking back...

Chapel Hill road trip

oh, the bliss

why my Book Club rocks (and no, we weren't reading this book for our Book Club...)   (photo also titled: why I am in love with Kristina Ward.)

the Rockin' Book Club

my daughter, the photographer (with Dan's friend Anne)

my daughter, the crab.

my loves.

my silly girl

cute turtles.

and a gator.

 

my colors these days.

what makes a morning at the beach perfect.

in addition to the moon.

"All God's children singing 'Glory, glory, Hallelujah, He reigns'."

Tie-Dye Day ice cream break

mmmm....

all these girls were precious... but I could hardly handle R's face in this one.

 

FINGER PAINT!

gorgeous.

get it.

how I saw her...

how she saw me.

and the world through her eyes is quite lovely.

Happy August, y'all...

Full disclosure.

I suck at laundry.  Like, horribly.

I am super at actually "doing" it... the washing, the folding... it's the putting away that I'm horrible with.

So I put it in a laundry basket (folded and clean) and then life gets busy and....
a, part 1: then the laundry basket gets put away and then a few days go by and then we get panicky for clothes and pull them from the basket and then the neat piles become un-neat and then I get confused if the basket was the clean ones or the dirty ones and then they sit until I decide to re-wash them.

-or-

a, part 2: they sit until they get wrinkled and I plan an "ironing day" and then just wait for that to be convenient.

-or-

b. as I am putting them away I realize how many of them Elizabeth can't wear anymore so I pull those out and put them aside to "deal with" until later and then the ones she can't wear get mixed back with the ones she can and then I have to do this whole charade again.

All this to say, I suck at doing laundry.  (This is the point where I hate that my mom reads me blog... I'm guessing she's about to want to kick me out of her family right about now.   She is excellent at laundry.)  But tonight I decided I'm over it.  It's mentally exhausting to keep putting off the inevitable.  There's part of me that blames "space"... we don't have enough room in our dresser/closet for all our crap.  But how American is *that*?  That I have so much stuff I don't have space to put it up?  Crap.  So tonight I pulled all the laundry baskets (we have 4... just for our junk... E has one of her own... I've tried to figure out which basket(s) work best) out and brought them downstairs.  I've spent several hours sorting what's there and washing the laundry we had that was dirty.  Now, midway into the wee hours of the night/morning, everything we own in this house is clean... and about to be put up where it belongs.

I'm thankful for friends who brought me caffeine around 10:30... and I'm thankful for finally getting this done.

Now the question becomes: how will we deal with laundry in the future?  Clearly, our current way of handling it doesn't work.  I ask you- people of the interwebs- what do you do?  How do you make laundry work?  We're open to ideas....

Reclaiming January 25th...

January 25, 1989.  Possibly one of the top 5 worst days of my life.  The evening before, right around 9:00pm, my parents sat us down in our playroom and told us that they were getting a divorce.  It was right as "Roseanne" came on the Wednesday night line-up... and her maniacal laugh at the end of the opening credits still gives me the heebie jeebies.  That day (the 25th), I came in from school to find that while I'd been there all day, my Dad had indeed moved out.  I remember walking in the door and the first thing that hit me was that the coffee pot was gone.  Daddy always drank coffee, Mom didn't, so he took it.  That, in a nutshell, pushed me over the edge to realize that it was real.

January 25, 2004.  A super hard night, again.  One of my good friends was in the process of leaving her husband (what is it with that date?) and it was a nasty, ugly, scary evening.  My heart hurts as I remember that time period.

Various January 25ths in between?  Craptastic.  Generally, this date just sucks for me.  I used to nearly "celebrate" the craptastic-ness of the day by claiming that it was going to suck right out of the gate.  I think sometimes I created self-fulfilling prophesies by announcing that the 25th was coming up and I was going to hide out to avoid the drama.

So, although I'd acknowledged today's date mentally, I refused to let that infiltrate my brain today.  I woke up prepared to take on the day- in all of it's chaos.  I started putting dessert together for my supper club that was getting together tonight.  I did loads of laundry to get ready for our trip.  I helped Elizabeth organize all of her new princess goods.  I ran up and down the stairs... and then I noticed it... I couldn't breathe.

Because of my busy schedule, I tried to fight it for a bit... then remembered... that usually doesn't work.  I'd been struggling to breathe for a while now, but this was definitely heading into nasty breathing-territory.  So, I loaded up to go to the doctor, and a couple peak-flows and lung exams later, I'm home with some steroids.

That alone could qualify for a "typical" January 25th.

But here's what I didn't include about my day:
-My dear friend came to pick up Elizabeth- originally to let me have time to pack, but ended up keeping her while I went to the doctor.

-Waiting on the doctor, I drank coffee and enjoyed some quiet for the first time all day.

-I ran into 2 church friends at the doctor and got to have a second to catch up with them.

-When I came to pick E up from my friend's house, she had some unexpected guests (she was babysitting for another friend, too) and we were all able to enjoy dinner together.

-Her precious daughter, who I've loved since the moment I met her, brought me to tears tonight with her unscripted graciousness and sweet spirit.  I freakin' love that kid.

-Our families have morphed into one big family over the years, and I notice it most on nights like tonight.

-I got news today that one of my dearest friends found out she is having a GIRL (!!) (oh, and her first child is a boy, so I'm not knocking boys... I'm just pumped for one of each!) and I was moved to tears as she shared with me the news and her precious baby's name.

-Elizabeth fell in love with the label maker today.

-I ended up not being able to make my trip to Asheville tomorrow.  Craptastic?  A bit... I'm aching to see my family.  But the reclaimed blessing?  That I get to slow down a bit, put E in school, and pack in peace.

All in all, it would have been easy to focus on the lack of breathing and the canceled Supper Club and the canceled trip to Asheville.  But as I call it a day early, I choose to focus on His goodness and not my weakness/disappointments.  I got a song from Passion today (they have a pass that updates periodically with things available for download)... here are the lyrics for today's downloaded song.  Today's song.  TODAY'S song.  This is what I'll cling to... for January 25th.

Precious cornerstone, sure foundation 
You are faithful to the end 
We are waiting, on You, Jesus 
We believe You're all to us 

Let the glory of Your name be the passion of the Church 
Let the righteousness of God be a holy flame that burns 
Let the saving love of Christ be the measure of our lives 
We believe You're all to us 

my girl, waiting to be picked up for her afternoon playdate

God is Good.

Want to know about my day?  Fine, I'll tell you.

I am mildly overwhelmed.  We are headed on a trip soon... I have lots to do before then... I am making a trip home in the next couple of days to check on my dad (who broke some ribs by falling on ice! ouch!)... yeah, there's a lot going on.  This is one of those days where I "need"ed to be task focused and get a lot done so that later I'm not overwhelmed.  Oh, and have I mentioned I have asthma that gets worse with stress?  Cause I do.  And it does.

So anyways, I got up this morning and had some good morning time with E... some days are restful, some are rushed.  Today was just good.  I took her to school where I went in to see some of my favorite MMP ladies (the staff there is awesome), then went to brunch at a new friend's house.  She'd invited a bunch of us a few weeks ago, but that date got snowed out, so we rescheduled for today.  It was super: good food, great conversation... an overall nice time.  We laughed about our crazy families, our cute kids, and our amazingly clean houses.  Okay, some of that was embellished, but...

I left there and went to lunch (did I say I left brunch and went to lunch?  yep, I did.) with one of my favorite friends who is heading on the adventure of a lifetime.  She and her husband have been obedient to God's call on their lives and they are packing up and heading out to Botswana!  It's so amazing to see where He has brought them (and us, for that matter) in the 8+ years of our friendship... and now to see them ready to head to Africa to fulfill His plan for them.  Just... amazing.  And lunch at Cherries to boot?  Double amazing.

I left there, ran to Target to get some last minute stuff for our Disney trip, then went to Music Class with E at school.

We came home and were blessed with some time with my favorite 18 month old, Emma.  Big E hung out with Little E this afternoon and continued to kiss and hug her the whole time that she was here.  Presh.

As soon as Emma was picked up, we headed back over to my Brunch Friend's house to get a LOAD of princess stuff.  She had loaned us a Cinderella dress (see above... the big one... because E thought she could still wear the little one) this morning, and when her daughter (L) got home from school and heard that my E was excited about that, decided she was finally ready to part with some more things.  (That was an insanely long sentence.)  And we are the proud recipients of All Things Princess in this house.  Here's what I love about that: as soon as we left, it finally clicked with E that when I tell her to pass on her things she's outgrown, it could bring someone as much joy as inheriting L's stuff brought her.  Sometimes she acts like I'm just out to get her to make her get rid of stuff (and let's be honest, sometimes I am)... but now she's so excited to go through her things to pass on to other kids.

We left there, grabbed a quick dinner, then I came home to head up the street to pick up my Gal Pal to head for our weekly Bible Study group time.  We used to meet on Friday mornings, but that got tricky... so we're aiming for Monday nights now.  And, other change, we're aiming to use that time to pray.  And, (lots of "and"s here,) pray we did.  It's a beautiful thing to spend a couple of hours with people you know and love best in the presence of God.  Sandy Mercer first showed me that beautiful near-out-of-body experience in her classroom years ago... it's amazing to be part of it with these women... just beautiful.

I came home to the news that one of my favorite childhood friends- who has had multiple heartbreaks of miscarriage- is pregnant.  That news thrills my soul.  She will be a terrific momma... and it's about dern time.

All in all, my day was... well... beautiful.  I got to be a part of friendships, excitement, tasks, prayer, blessing... it's just cool.  It's neat to be right in the middle of where God is moving.  Sometimes you learn from those who are there in His midst.  Sometimes you get to be still before Him.  And sometimes... you just get swept away in His goodness.

Dear Diary....

This is a boring blog post.  I'll just tell you that now.  I'm going to proceed to tell you what my weekend was like.

Friday:
New Hair Day!  I had to reschedule my hair appointment to Friday because of snow earlier in the week.  I told Jenn, who I love, that I wanted to do something new with my hair.  I kinda meant a cut.  She kinda meant a color.  Jenn, who I love, said to me, "Do you trust me?" and I said... yes.  Now, along with my new face bling, I am the proud recipient of hair that is way funkier than I am.

color not as "drastic" in real life... 

the flash added some shine

I, and my new hair, had the joy of going on a triple date on Friday night with some old friends and some new-ish friends.  We went to Brixx, grabbed some coffee, and went to see my boyfriend (Kevin James) in a movie with my girlfriend (Queen Latifah)... it was cute.

the boys... who all look photoshopped.

Saturday, I had the privilege to co-host a baby shower for one of my best friends, bridesmaids, and former roomies.  Jenny and I ended up randomly living together after running into each other at a Barenaked Ladies concert.  During the year we lived together, we became fast friends... and Jenny got a front-row seat in my relationship with Dan.  (I honestly thought he was "into" her when we first started dating!)  Her baby shower was at a Tea House in Kernersville and was just... lovely.  I am so excited to meet her baby girl in just a couple short months!

amazing cake by Lindsay!

diaper cake (that fell apart)

tasty treats!

former 1204 ladies

Sunday, I attended a shower for another dear friend- Carrie.  Carrie is two weeks (!!!) away from having her third baby.  And believe me... we love to throw a party for babies!  The food was amazing, Carrie got a ton of loot, and, well... I made my favorite new blog-find: Salted Caramel Brownie Bites.  Oh.  My.  Word.

seriously good stuff.

so, my camera was dying as Laurie was taking our picture...

we didn't get a good one, but several funny ones

Last night, the students came over and it was just a good time.  They have all grown leaps and bounds in the last 17 days... it's been fun to be around such rapid and exciting growth.

Today, I fixed a yummy (if I do say so myself) lunch for some friends.  Then I was unable to enjoy it due to my third-ever migraine.  As soon as they left, I ran upstairs, got violently ill, then went to sleep until 5pm.

So I'm totally jacked up now.

A weekend of fun friends, a weekend of sickness (migraine AND allergies AND asthma... oh my...), and now I feel like I'm entering crunch time until we go to Disney.  Still trying to stay focused.  Still trying to keep it all in perspective.  Trying to figure out how God wants me to spend my time these days... wonder if He's cool with me using some of it to blog...

non-average Monday makes Tuesday oh-so-special.

Morning= super.  productive.  peaceful.  Except for that whole "I feel like crap" business.

Noon= rapid decline.  Feeling worse.

1:30= Dr. says to be there at 2:30.  Call Lindsey, who, btw, rocks my world, and she comes to keep my girl.  I rush to the doctor.

2:30= walk in with just enough time to fill out paperwork and grab People's 25 Sexiest Men Alive issue.
(Unfortunately, Doctor is prompt enough that I get seen quickly and don't get to finish the issue. She told me to not even think about taking it.)

Leave doctor's office, head to bank, then to get meds.

In the middle of the busiest road around, my car begins to emit massive amounts of smoke.

Massive.


Amounts.


Of.


Smoke.

I make a U-turn (not in the middle of the road, Debbie... I pulled into a parking lot and turned around) and went 2 businesses down to go to the car mechanic we go to.  "Perfect" timing.

(Lots of burst hoses, new thermostat, and $450+ and we'll have a functioning car back!  Yay.)

So now, I sit... feeling like crap... overwhelmed with life... and frustrated with most of the stuff on our to-do-list and  our to-pay-for list.

Super.

Where was that easy way of seeing things from yesterday?

Only thing keeping me going... Glee is on in one hour.  Thank God for that little ray of sunshine.  And don't judge me for that.

Husbands and Spinach.

Yesterday, I called to talk to one of my high school besties... her husband answered instead, and I spent the entire time on the phone talking to him.  Yep.  Forgot to even ask for her to call me back, or even to tell her that I called.  Just talked to him the whole time.  I lurve him.

Monday, I went to supper club at one of my gal pals houses and ate a super meal that her husband prepared for us.  Tasty.

Tonight, the sweet husband of one of the first people I met in town came over to fix our air conditioner.  Granted, I've known him as long as I've known her, but still... he's her husband.

Husbands.  I love 'em.  Yours, mine, all of ours.  I kinda feel a bit "Sister Wife"ish when I say it, but it's true.  (And, sadly, we don't get cable so I've not even gotten to see that gem mine of a show.)

Speaking of blissfully-crappy TV, I had lunch today with a new friend.  We met a few weeks ago at a Blogger function and then became FB friends... we realized we needed to know each other.  That, and she just launched this crazy cool site TODAY that you all need to check out... and yours truly just might be sharing a Guest Blog on there in the future!  Anyway, we talked about all things important to new friendship- reality TV, politics, neighbors, friends we have in common, Flo Rida, crappy cell phones, and keeping up with the Joneses.

Then, as we were having our yummy wraps, Rachel commented that she likely had spinach in her teeth.  I said I might, too, and laughed it off.  I even tried to stealthily check my teeth when she got up from the table.  When she returned, she offered me gum.  Still, nothing totally clicked.

Until I got in my car.

And saw I had HUGE amounts of spinach... between... my... front... two... teeth.

Yep.

So, dear new friend Rachel... lesson learned from today: if you were trying to be sweetly subtle and tell me I had spinach in my teeth- learn now that I am oblivious and missed it.  If you were not and somehow did not notice the huge leafy vegetable stuck between my incisors?  It was probably because my mouth was moving so much as you were so fun to talk to.  (Congrats on your site... next time, no spinach for me.  Only wine, k?)

And ladies at MOMS tomorrow?  I made a spinach frittata.  Bring your mirrors... and check your teeth before you leave.

The ups and downs of our day.

Up: We freakin' love our preschool.  Every thing about it.  The staff is amazing... and this year E has (another) super fun teacher and a super fun class.  Today while E was taking another day to rest-off her illness, she missed a packed day at school.  She was supposed to have the Sharing Box today, art, and music.  I emailed her teacher to see what to do about having the Sharing Box (i.e., was there a Plan B when the sharer was sick?) and she responded (which completely freaked E out that HER TEACHER would send "her" an EMAIL!!) by saying E would miss some stuff in art that they could make up on Friday.  When I got to school this morning, instead of saving the art until Friday to do, she'd prepared a "homework bag" for E.  Seriously.  My daughter was in heaven...

 Seriously.  If today is any indication of what school will be like... E will be a big fan of homework.

Up: I took the college students to a movie on Sunday night.  I told the chick at the theater that I needed 5 Student Tickets, and 2 for "old people" (meaning, older than college.)  I clearly didn't check my receipt at the time... but today when I did, I laughed a lot.

Yep.  They thought I really meant "old people".  Clearly, she saw that we were 30-somethings, not 80-somethings, right?  I laughed a lot.

Up: We were at the intersection of Hanes Mall Boulevard and this road:

 and my ever perceptive child claimed she was thirsty.  She wasn't looking up at the time.  (She was, of course, reading a book in the back seat.)  She said, "Mommy, I'm realllllly thirsty.  Maybe we could go to Starbucks or something?"  We died laughing... then she looked out her window and saw this beside her:

Yes.  My child has my genes, and can smell a Starbucks a mile away... or right outside her window.

Up: Watching my child watch this video:

which looks something like this:

Clearly... she doesn't look sick, huh?

Down: one of my very, very favorite Bloggers is hanging up the Blog-gig.  My friend, Jenni, from UNC days has an amazing blog.  Jenni and I were in InterVarsity together and knew each other in that "we go to all the same functions and have all the same friends" kind of way that you do in college.  Through her blog I have learned so much more about her... and like lots of my virtual friends, it's made me wish I'd spent more time with her when I was actually in her physical presence.  So while you have the chance, before she takes it down, check out Jenni's blog to see the beauty of my friend, her family, and her writing.  Fortunately for me, even though the intrawebs will miss Jenni, I'll still be in touch with her world.

Given our recent days, I'll take this kind of day any time.

(And, side note?  Dan and I are watching this now:
  You should, too.)