Showing posts with label home. Show all posts
Showing posts with label home. Show all posts

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Making a Path

Today is Elizabeth's second day of school.  She got on the bus yesterday morning full of excitement and possibility- beyond proud of her Hogwarts backpack and ready to see all that Second Grade would hold in store.  As I walked to the car later that morning, my sweet neighbor (who has an only child herself and fully understands all that each landmark holds) asked me how I was doing. Funny enough, yesterday's new adventure seemed shadowed by the minutae of the morning: the baby pouring hot coffee down my pants, finding our dog had destroyed a bag of garbage all over our bedroom floor, realizing E's fish tank pump was broken.

I spent the remainder of the day tending to those crises of the morning, and trying to get my feet under me with a late afternoon bus, a fussy baby, and all that comes with Back to School life. So, to answer my neighbor, yesterday came and went without the heart pangs of realizing my baby is growing up too quickly and instead being grateful for her help.

This summer was a blur. We got started on "summer" so late thanks to the end of school chaos of responsibilities there, then heading straight into Vacation Bible School at our church. We lived up trips to Wild Goose, Wet and Wild, the beach, Camp of Kids, Merriwood, art camp, Oonie Koonie Cha, and reading book after book after book. So many things around our house got put on the back burner as I tried to be intentional about living in the moment with the girls and tried to be as present as I was able (minus a few interruptions of Netflix binges and Frozen Freefall.)

So today I find myself beginning the process of making a path. Those of you who know the events of our last few years understand that we have inherited lots of items from my Daddy's house, my Mom's house, and most recently my Grandparent's house. In the grief of shock of the Daddy's death, some of the things of his house got put away until I was able to deal with them. I had just gone through them when we brought in items from Mom's. Some days as I sorted through box after box, I just couldn't take it anymore. I would feel like I was drowning with the reality of losing both of my parents- and in those moments of drowning, I would often close the door to our garage and walk away from the task at hand. Add to that our tendency to tuck things away that need more attention than we could give... our storage room and our garage have become unbearable. From time to time we would stick things "out of the way" to deal with later.

Now is the later.

This summer, I began making a path through my pain. With the help of good friends, good routine, good truth, good meds, and good intentions... I have set my mind on not just surviving this season of life, but thriving in it. I am trying to no longer just stick things "out of the way." Just like our garage, that is a process. I have pushed things to the side so often that there are lots of layers to sort through as my heart continues to heal.

And just like my heart, our garage has layers upon layers of stories. The chalkboard one of my grandparents used in school. My Mom's Day International water bottle. My Daddy's ash tray. Elizabeth's bike that is too small. My Grandmother's painting of The Last Supper. Extra water balloons from this summer's water balloon fight. With each memory I unpack, sort, purge, and process. Some pieces make me think of friends who could use that item better. This process not only becomes a practical "To Do" task, but a spiritual one as well as I pray for those people who are called to my mind.

I am far from done. But there is now I clear path- letting me know I can function in the days to come. 

Thursday, March 20, 2014

two months... two years...

I CANNOT believe our sweet friend has been with us for 2 months.

2 months of remembering what it's like to function without sleep.  (We've about mastered that... zeesh.)
2 months of remembering how amazing those coo's are when she babbles.
2 months of asking each other "wait... when do they do ___?" because we can't seem to remember.
2 months of loving one of the dearest souls we know.
2 months of joy.
And goodness.
And hard times.
And sweet times.
And tears.
And fun.

So that's it, right?  There's our update?

Nope.

Because life just keeps coming at us.

Today, Dan and I drove with the Wee One to Mars Hill to meet a mover about moving some things here from my Grandparents' house... which will be sold within a couple of weeks.

The gravity of that hit me yesterday.

At the same time as the unbearable pain thinking about next week... the second anniversary of Daddy's death.

2 years of moments where he should have been here.
2 years of times I almost called him to tell him a story... or ask him a question... or call for a recipe... or to tell him something funny Elizabeth had done.
2 years of days when my heart hurt.
2 years of missing part of me.
2 years absent of my biggest fan.

Yesterday as I thought of closing the house up in Mars Hill... I felt sorry for myself.  Truly.  I have closed up THREE homes of my childhood in the last 18 months.  And I am DONE.  I am so super sad that I have no more "roots" in WNC.  And while I am BEYOND blessed with friends who are like family, let's all be honest... on the holidays, people go home to their own families.

I cried buckets of tears yesterday.  About closure.  And grief.  And missing Stan.  And missing Mary.  And missing Mom.  And being overwhelmed.

So today, as we were talking with the mover, I told him I was just over it.  I was sad that this was the second time we were using his services in 4 months.  And that I was sad I was saying goodbye again.  And that I didn't have roots anymore.

And he looked at me... and at the wee one in my arms... and said, "Yeah, but look at all the Good you're Doing with this little one.  She needs you right now."

Ahem.

Indeed.

On this International Happy Day... fresh from a big ol' dose of "Get it Together, Lady" from my mover... I'd love to tell you what I'm happy about.

*That I've had 2 months with this Sweetie.  (See above.)
*That she's growing and eating and sleeping and laughing tons more than when we met her.
*That my big girl is growing, too, into a kind big sister... something we never thought she'd get to be.
*That I got to "smell" my grandparents today in their belongings... and that feels like home.
*That tomorrow night I get to hang out with some amazing women.
*That I have friends who have consistently checked on us throughout this last 2 months... and these last 2 years.  (It does take a village, y'all.)

For those things, I am thankful.  And for the moments when the sadness of 2 years missing my Daddy overshadow the happy of the 2 months (or 2 days, or 2 hours...) I will not offer apology.  I will continue this journey authentically even when it sucks... yet I will try to graciously accept the kind words of movers everywhere who want to point out the Good.

Happy Happiness Day, y'all.

Monday, November 18, 2013

Bradshaw Lane

I've been a little MIA on the interwebs lately.  It seems that the stress of selling Mom's house has caught up with my body and I'm still fighting a week long cold.  As I shared some of my last few weeks with someone today, it's no wonder that I'm sick... my body just couldn't keep going at the pace I was pushing it.  So I'm going to allow myself to slowly process where we've been and where we're going.  For now, I'll share with you the note I left the owners of Mom's new place.  Warning: it's lengthy...  And a bit sappy.
Congratulations on your new house!  I hope that it quickly becomes your home and that you fall in love with 11 Bradshaw Lane like we did.  Not to force my story upon you, but I thought I would tell you a bit about it’s history...

My parents bought the house from Walt and Becky McCullough in the early 70’s.  I’m not sure if Walt and Becky were the original owners.  One of their 3 children, Natalie, was my Sunday School teacher when I was in Middle School and shared with me which of her siblings had what bedroom.

My brother, Chris, was a toddler when they moved from Woodfin and I was brought home from the hospital to my bedroom (the one beside the master) in December of 1975.  I never had another home growing up- nor did I ever switch bedrooms.  I left Candler for college in 1994, and only came home a few summers after that.  Around 2000, Mom turned my room into a den.  (My brother’s room- the one beside the hall bathroom- stayed a bedroom during our tenure here.  Not that I’m bitter or anything.)

My Daddy was responsible for the fabulous backyard at your new home.  He landscaped the steps- I often played wedding there and dreamed of my own backyard wedding.  I ended up not getting married there, but as you watch the light come in through the trees in the mornings, you’ll see why I was enraptured by the beauty of the woods.  He put in a hammock- complete with a spotlight which would be blinding to unsuspecting teenagers, and which only was turned on if a “warning” needed to be shared.  The swings he built were my respite- and I still would swing on them even through high school.  The Pièce de résistance in the yard, though, is the treehouse.  My Daddy and Papaw built that around 1980.  I helped by bringing them glass after glass of grape Kool-aid.  My brother and I played in it, my Daddy escaped to it, and it became a sought out location for (only the bravest of friends) summertime sleepovers- complete with spiders.

The house itself is full of great rooms and wonderful memories.  The room beside my brother’s was our Playroom that became a Computer Room that became a sort of Guest Room later in life.  My Mom worked in I.T., so were were one of the first families to have a PC at home.  My brother’s friends monopolized that during their visits.  I spent hours developing my skills on King’s Quest and Frogger, then later began using the computer to type letters to my pen pal in Wisconsin and as I toyed with my growing love affair of writing.

Mom and Daddy’s room housed a king sized bed which all 4 of us would pile on during special Saturday mornings.  Daddy would bring our portable black and white TV from the kitchen, put it on their dresser, adjust the antenna, and we’d watch Bugs Bunny while snuggled beneath their green blankets.  It was under those same blankets- and any others we could get our hands on- where Mom and I burrowed deep during the Blizzard of 93.  Our house was without power for days and got ridiculously cold.  (And boring.)  Ultimately, we were taken by sled (with the help of neighbors) to a nearby house on Monte Vista with a generator so that I could have a breathing treatment... and the best dinner of Shake and Bake chicken that I’ve ever eaten.  Nearly a week of canned peaches and Ritz crackers will make Shake and Bake taste like a 5-star meal.

The bathroom in the Master was Daddy’s- his smell of cologne, hair spray, and (gasp!) cigarettes is one that will bring tears to my eyes when I catch it now at certain bars.  (For the record, he started smoking outside in about 1983 when my pulmonary specialist “suggested” that maybe smoking around his highly asthmatic daughter wasn’t the best idea.)  When he moved out in 1989, Mom took over the bathroom and the scent changed to one of Ultima II makeup, Windsong powder, and Vaseline lotion.  

Mom had the bathrooms redone shortly after Daddy left.  Those bizarre low and quiet toilets were all the rage in 1990.  My friends loved coming in the bathroom and just flushing to watch it work.  My brother and I shared the hall bathroom at that point- I had the drawers on the right, his were on the left.  Our bathroom began to smell of curling irons and crimpers, Rave hairspray, LA Looks gel, and whatever girlie perfume was popular in that moment.  Chris left for college in 1991, so his scent never had a chance to permeate that room like all of the ones I enlisted to make my high school years perfect.

And speaking of those teen years, the downstairs den was the ideal location not only for sleepovers, but for tucking away with boyfriends in hopes not to be seen from upstairs.  There was only one spot where we could hide completely, so that was the spot we best not be in as Mom walked by on her security patrols upstairs.  I spent hours down there watching Monty Python with friends, watching my first presidential debates, and sitting by the fireplace on snow days.  Not to mention the time out on the patio porch swing- the exact location of silly homemade videos with best friends or stolen kisses with boys I haven’t seen in 20 years.

Our living room and dining room were revered in our family to be “special” rooms just for company.  We spent time in there on holidays or whenever we had visitors.  Our Christmas tree went front and center in the living room’s window and I spent tons of time mesmerized by it’s lights and by the train that encircled it’s base.  As we got older, we were “allowed” more time in those rooms and I enjoyed feeling so grown up as I would sit and read in the living room.  The one exception made when I was younger was that I was allowed in to practice piano.  Which I still wish I had listened to my mother and not stopped taking lessons.  

The woods surrounding the house lend themselves to unlimited exploration and enjoyment all throughout my childhood.  In the spring, little red berries and purple violets appeared to take over and bring life back from a dark winter.  Chris and I picked flowers, played spy, and developed our own Terabithia within the walls of the limbs.  We ran through the field behind the house and played in the creek- furthering my love of nature and developing my “non-wussy-girl” status among the neighborhood boys.  We explored and played together in the spring, summer, and fall and sledded together through the winter.


And speaking of winter- one quick suggestion: My Daddy planted bamboo as a privacy barrier between our house and the one next door.  On snowy days, the bamboo will bow down under the weight of snow and ice.  It’s beyond a pain to lift each stalk and pull your car out, but without that, the bamboo will break.  I’d suggest cutting it back before it turns so cold you have to deal with that inconvenience.  

I hate that because of the later stages of my Mom’s illness and her departure from the house that the “grounds” weren’t presented to you in their best state.  While the house is wonderful, the yard and woods will cause you to fall in love with your home.  I hope that as the Easter Bush blooms this spring and you are able to entertain on the deck, you’ll see glimpses of all of the egg hunts and cookouts and parties and memories as they float around you.

And my room.  While now the closet space leaves a lot to be desired, back in the day there was nothing I didn’t like about my room.  I apologize if the door isn’t in the best shape- it was slammed many times in teenage angst.  It was covered in bumper stickers (Ollie North for President!) and posters (Michael Jackson and Michael J. Fox to name a few.)  It was my respite from parents who didn’t understand me, from parents who separated, from a brother who annoyed his little sister, and an escape to spend hours on the phone with friends.  It was where I sat and journaled and read.  Where I laid in bed sick.  Where I grew up.  And before all that it was where I would climb up on my green toybox and look out the window waiting for Daddy to come home for lunch- a midweek treat.  I’d open the window all summer long (you’ll note that air conditioning only arrived a few years ago) and smell the scent of the woods and hear the call of the birds each day.  I’d nearly burn down the house there as I played with matches in second grade- and then proceed to lie about it to my Mom while she could see the paper smoldering in the trash can.  It’s the same room where I first began reading the Bible and started to figure out for myself what I believed.  And, ultimately, it was the same room where I sat at the desk and typed my Daddy’s obituary last year.  That room holds my memories, my tears, and part of my heart.

I hope that you will love this house nearly half as much as we do.  If you look at it from the driveway, it almost appears to smile.  My mother continues to ask about her home (as she constantly wants to return there and doesn’t understand that her Assisted Living transition is permanent.)  We always tell her that we’re sure that things are “fine” in Candler and that her house is okay without her there.  It’s my hope that as we continue to tell her that when she asks that her house would be more than just “fine”.  My hope for you is that her house... your house... will be quite wonderful.



Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Without Expectation... an open letter to Thomas Wolfe.

Dear Mr. Wolfe,

As a native-Ashevillian, I have known of your life and work from the moment I knew what an "author" was.  I toured your homeplace, read your writings, sat on your front porch with a boyfriend, and even cried after your home was damaged in a fire.  I always grin in recognition of your angel when I see her.  I feel that you are woven into my story of childhood as a background character- despite the fact you died years before even my mother was born.

So it is with much respect and a bit of trepidation that I must admit: I disagree with you.

I believe, sir, that you can go home again.

I believe it... because I just lived it.

In previous years and trips west, I feel what your character Mr. Webber must have been feeling when he returned to his hometown to find it was not the place his memory had created it to be.  This happened for me previously as I visited my stepmother at my elementary school and felt like the halls were much smaller than I remembered.  It happened when I realized that some friendships were only going to exist for me in memory, rather than in current day.  It happened when my parents were sick or passed on and I realized that a trip home would not include the usual events of my trips west.

However, my heart just experienced a truer sense of a homecoming.  And it occurred without expectation.  I ventured home for a lengthy stay- to hike and to clean out my Mom's house.  Little did I know- because I had not made concrete plans- that my trip would also include a trip to a lovely local winery with friends... and checking out some venues that had been on my bucket list... and time with my girl and her dogs... and breathing in that miracle-working mountain air.  

I was gifted the benefits of surprise and healing because I had not "planned" for them to happen.

I sat in the auditorium at Mars Hill College and "felt" the goodness of teenagers hellbent on changing the world.  The pulse of that room stirred the same emotions in mine as I reflected on my first trip there 22 years ago.  I realized how "ripe" I was for that first experience- my heart was freshly broken from childhood expectations being taken away and was ready to be filled with love and laughter and opportunity to become who I wanted to be.  And as I was greeted by some of those same precious adults (who now loved on my daughter- also captivated in their midst), I felt the same encouragement and hope and respect from 22 years ago.  They believed in me then... and I think they still do now.



I walked around my Mom's backyard numerous times.  The overgrown weeds and bushes at first hurt my heart as I saw the lack of attention given to them by the absence of my mother.  In later days, I saw the green growth for the beauty it is... lush and life bringing.  I enjoyed watching my dogs explore that yard that I used to know by heart... and my favorite moment of the summer thus far happened when I had the chance to catch lightening bugs with Miss E in the very yard where my bug-catching-skill was perfected.




I walked through our fair city and pointed out sights and sounds to my precious girl- including pointing out your angel.  One day soon, I'll share with her your writing... as I'll share with her the writings of Wayne Caldwell... and the story I just read of Zelda Fitzgerald... and I'll tell her of the importance that southern authors bring in telling the story of our home and the characters we meet here.  I'll share with her the wisdom in your writings about not being able to return home- when you are expecting your home to receive you in the same way in which you left it.  And I'll also share with her my recent discovery that when you allow your home and all of the wonderful people and experiences you gained there to welcome you in their overgrown and weedy arms... and breathe it in... and not expect it to do much... but to just let you be... then... then you know that you are truly home.



And then... maybe then... parts of your broken heart will heal in an old way that feels brand new.

Respectfully submitted.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

To Do List Paralysis

My house is in shambles.  Not having a kitchen for a month (which is also the location of our laundry) has made "getting back to normal" not an easy task.  Yesterday, I intended the day to be getting things together in the kitchen- putting things back in cabinets, cleaning off counter tops, doing laundry.  Instead, Mom called and needed some immediate attention, so I only got 45 minutes of "real work" done before heading out.

When I came home from lunch, I did the obvious/necessary thing- I napped until 4 minutes before E was to get off of the bus.

She bounded into the house, needed some Momma Time and a snack, and I proceeded to cook dinner.  Glory!  Being able to cook a meal was quite lovely.

And quite exhausting.

Thank goodness Dan was able to do the finish up (notice I didn't say "clean up") of the day and I was able to head to bed.  (Just a few more weeks til second trimester!  Whew!)

So here I sit, looking around at all of the things that need to be done:
*I need to do more laundry.
*I need to put up the laundry from yesterday.
*I need to finish clearing off the dining room table.
*Oh, and the kitchen table.
*I need to do dishes from last night.
and then...
*I need to go move the files from beside my bed back to the office.  (My bedroom became my make-shift work space during the renovations.)
*I need to strip E's bed, do those sheets, and remake her bed.
*I need... I need... I need....

My list feels endless.  And my energy level feels end-in-sight.

And therein lies the problem... which leads me to... "To Do List Paralysis."

Instead, I become enraptured with Facebook.
I remember that I'm really good at Angry Birds.
I start thinking about baking a cake.
I think I might-should reorganize my closet.
I wonder if I should give Alphie a bath.
I think how much Misty would appreciate a card.
I then remember I didn't send Steph a birthday card.
And, oh, junk... I need to mail Laurie that package.
I should stick with Angry Birds.

Before I know it... it'll be bus time and I'll have nothing on my To Do list "To Done."

-----
I'm not posting all of this as a cry for help... or even as a "how do you get it all done".  Merely, it's just my brain's way of having a moment in therapy this morning on the Inter Webs.  I see my problem before me.  I know my agenda.  And I can clearly see what will hinder me.

I'm signing off to go start in the kitchen.  I plan to even turn on music, because that makes "work" a little easier.  Rather than helping me tackle my "To Do List Paralysis"... why don't you suggest good music to help the time pass.  For that, I would be most grateful.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

For Discussion: peace

Back in January, I picked a "word" for my year.  I'd heard this idea on the radio and loved it.  I shared this concept with women at church and I shared it with my college student friends- we all picked our words for 2011.  This word was supposed to be something we prayed and focused on for ourSELVES this year- not something we prayed for our families, children, whatever.

My word is peace.

Funny, I'd forgotten that recently.  (I'm not so smart sometimes.)  During the summer months as our lives were filled with an overseas adventure, Summer BLOCK Party, and Foster Care training, I got sucked into lists and prayed for specific items- not for "peace".  Don't get me wrong- in lots of those specific items for which I was praying, "peace" was high on the list.  But I didn't even remember it was the word that was supposed to define my 2011.  (Read: not so smart.)

"word bags" at the retreat
At a retreat I hosted in February, I handed out bags to each woman in attendance that had their words embroidered on them.  I've been using mine since then.  But the other day I picked it up and- honest to God- thought "I wonder whose word this was?  Maybe someone left it here."  Right.  Peace.  It was MY word.  The word I'd chosen to pray, live, and create in 2011.

So, here we are a week into the month of August, and friends, I am craving peace.  This morning as I prayed for our family, God led me to this verse: The Lord gives his people strength, The Lord blesses them with peace. (Psalm 29:11)  Whew.  Oh, to make that true in my heart.  I believe it... now I want to live it.

I want to create peace in my home.

In fact, Dan had a conversation with someone recently who was having a hard time with the chaos of life.  This person told Dan that the secret to outliving the chaos was to have a moderately clean home and have people in it who say "I love you."  Both of those things we do well.  (Emphasis on the moderately clean part.)  I've been letting those words roll around in my mind lately and wondering how the home I've made does or does not show peace.

How I would love a home like this:
 I love the clean lines!  I love the "free from clutter" look!  It's not quite "warm" enough for me... but...

Or this:
Oh, y'all... how I want to have a cup of coffee on that couch.  Maybe I'd need to drink it in a sippy cup so as not to mess up the calm white theme... but...

Don't see these two examples and think I like a lack of color.  One of my newest dear friends lives in a home with lots going on- colors and children all over the place.  But her home is still peaceful- and I'm trying to bring that peace into my space.

While I was searching for "peaceful homes" on The Google this morning, I found this article.  Several of those things we do well: we have a "landing strip" for things that need to be attended to... but our landing "strip" has become a landing "room."  My friend Leigh Ann taught me years ago the joy of a made bed- she said it in a way that I heard well.  She told me that her brother taught her to make her bed every day so that even if the rest of your house is in clutter, you have one organized thing in your house to come home to.  Household plants?  Got it.  Totally agree.  Done it.

remember this?
So what works for you?  What rituals or routines do you do to ensure your home is peaceful?  I feel certain that my laundry skills do not create peace- but we're working on it.  I usually don't end with a question- but I really do want your response this time.  (And sidenote? Thanks for all of your comments that sounded like "How could someone not like you, Becky?  You are amazingly wonderful!" or junk like that from my last post.  At least that's how I read it.  You are all sweet.  And clearly you are not the people I was talking about.)  No, seriously... what do you do to maintain peace in your home.  I want tips, tactics, and thoughts on creating peace.

I'm starting my day praying to the God of Peace for Him to pour it into my life.  And as I do that, I am going to fold some laundry to bring some peace into my family.  Now... what about you?  Bring it on, people...

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Wasn't sure I was gonna come home... but....

My weekend, in pictures.  

Words about it to come in a later blog post... for now, just the sights- not the people.
















And then... I came home.  And saw this little sight.  
And remembered why it's home now.




Haven't found the words yet... but they will come.