Facebook makes me anxious.

Who knew it... the social-networking tool I love the most makes me, well, anxious.

Wednesday evening, just returning from a six-day beach trip, I got online to see what I "missed" while I was gone.  The first 2 days of my trip I had access to FB, so I didn't miss much there.  In fact, FB told me that I was missing a Super Moon on Saturday night- something we quickly remedied.  But from Sunday on, I didn't see anything online that was happening.

Those of you who know me know that I love me some Facebook.  It really is an ENFP's dream- being connected to all of the people we love so much (and some randoms) and having a forum to share what's happening in our world, too.  With the big things getting ready to occur in Johnston-land (a trip to Africa, fostering), it's the ideal medium to share with all of you what's happening now so you don't have to wait until a Christmas card to find out.  (Like I even sent Christmas cards last year... ha!)  And, the difference in FB and this-here blog is that I learn about YOU on Facebook.  On my blog, you learn about me.  While I think your days are so enriched with info about me, I feel certain my life is not complete without knowing about you, too.

So, back to Wednesday.  I pulled up Facebook and began by reading my messages and my notifications.  Then I started scrolling back through the newsfeed.  Then I felt it... anxiety.

Whut.

Seriously... there was so much to read (and, no, I didn't read EVERY SINGLE THING that happened while I was gone) and so many burdens/joys to comprehend... and of course those of you who like to update me with facts ("It's Friday!" "Unloading my groceries." "My back hurts.")... it was all a lot to process.  I wasn't, though, until I stepped away from the computer that I acknowledged the feeling that it gave me... anxiety.

Before you jump to conclusions, I am not giving up Facebook.  In fact, I can't tell you the number of people who asked if I was going to do just that for Lent.... and the answer is still "no".  This is the only medium I use to contact our students and, if for no other reason, I need it for that.

What, then, is a girl to do?

Two things have crept into my mind as I've started processing this- both are wisdom provided by friends.  The first is from my friend, Kelly, who has been emailing me to "check in" to see how my Quiet Times are going.  (QT= time alone with God)  Kelly is someone who cares about me and my relationship with Him- it's so nice to have those emails pop in my inbox as a reminder.

The second is what we heard yesterday at MOMS from our worship pastor, Wes.  He shared that intimacy with God is the antidote to anxiety.  Funny he would use that phrase right as the word "anxiety" was rolling around in my head.

Kelly's emails + Wes's teaching = something I need to work on.

All of this to say- I don't have an answer.  I don't feel like Facebook is an unhealthy addiction in my life (despite the joking I do about it.)  I don't feel like I'm supposed to give it up.  I do feel like I'm supposed to use more moderation with it... maybe a trip to Africa will be just the cure for that.  Have any of you felt this similar FB-anxiety phenomenon?  I'd love to hear how you dealt with it.

Off to update my status....

I'm going to throw up now.

Warning... this post is not for the faint at heart.

I have vivid memories of embarrassing moments in life.  6th grade, tripping in front of the boy who would later be my first kiss.  7th grade, falling in front of the entire 7th grade UP a set of bleachers.  College, well, just college.  (Seriously... were group dates a good idea?  And why did I cut my own bangs that time?)

Then tonight... the mother (ha) of all embarrassing moments.

Earlier tonight I was going through some CDs looking for some Christmas music for a friend.  In my attempt to be all things organized in 2011, I found some photo CDs in the midst of music CDs.  Not only did I have to move them, I had to look at them, right?

I got sucked into over an hour of old memories... baby showers, E's first days, tailgates from long ago, old college retreats.  So, the logical thing to do was share these old memories with Facebook... and tag people.

Thanks to FB's new photo loading deal, several would load at a time, then magically on my end, they would be there.  Who knows how it looks in FB Land during the upload.  And, you know, given how I was searching through CDs as they were uploading... well... it took me a while to go back and forth between the CDs and Facebook.

On one of these "brief" moments... I saw it.

Seriously.

My boob.

Seriously.

On Facebook.

Seriously.

In a moment that would make Jesus and my Momma blush, I hit delete on that picture then immediately IM'd my BFF "bleep! bleep! bleep! my boob was just on Facebook!!!!"

Yep.

Apparently, when I thought I was uploading picture number 246 of my Dad meeting Elizabeth, I was actually uploading 146 of... me... nursing for the first time... in the hospital.

(I just threw up a little in my mouth reliving the moment when I discovered this had hit the mainstream.)

Obviously, the first question would LOGICALLY be, why would one have a picture of said-boob when no one EVER should see such a thing.  Best I can remember, Dan took non-stop pictures that first 24 hours.  Later, when my screen saver would randomly show things I didn't remember ever being taken and I questioned him on it, I *think* he said some bull-crap along the lines of "It's natural" or "One day Elizabeth will enjoy seeing this."

What he did not say was "Someday you'll accidentally upload this to Facebook and will relive every moment of horror in your life all rolled into one as you realize that someone, somewhere saw your boob.  On Facebook."

While I agree with him that it's natural and all that junk... it was NOT. MEANT. TO. EVER. BE. SEEN.

So, to the unknowing person(s) who saw more of me than was bargained for, I recommend going to your living room, picking up your Christmas tree, putting just the tip of it in your fireplace, then taking that flaming tree and shoving it straight in your eye.  Gouge out that image... just as I try to burn this day out of my memory, too.

Let it be known that there is NO irony in this happening on the day that I professed love for Facebook.

Let it be known that there is NO irony in this happening after I mocked a college student last summer for accidentally showing her goods to us on the river.

Let it be known that my life is officially over.

It was so much easier falling up the bleachers.

a stalking I will go...

None of you who know me will be surprised that I am a professional stalker... in Facebook-land and real life, too.  And, as my buddy Martin pointed out last night... it's totally what the invention of Google was all about, right?

So here is the question of the day: what is the line between stalking and... ummm... getting to know someone?

I'll explain...

I have a new friend.  At this point, she's only my friend on Facebook.  Well, that's not totally true... our girls have dance together.  Anyone who has daughters/children in any sort of extra-curricular activities knows the joy of "Dance Moms" (read: Preschool Moms, Church Moms, whatever.)  If you aren't in the inner loop, then while your child is enjoying that activity, you sit... cleaning out your purse, sending texts, reading a book.

Some days, that's heaven.

Some days, that's lonely.

E has been at her dance studio "full-time" since August.  There's one mom I know in there from a previous Kindermusik experience.  When she's there, we chat.  It's nice.  One other mom I've thoroughly enjoyed talking to, but quite honestly, I don't even know her name.  The Kindermusik Mom knows another mom there, and the three of us have chatted in the past about books, church, and church books.

Then last Saturday while we were at "Tangled", I saw "other mom" leaving the theater with her kids... and I didn't even know how to address her.  "Hi, Dance Mom who I've talked to about books!"  Yeah, no... so I didn't say anything.

Until Tuesday.

Tuesday, once sweet E was in her precious pink outfit (without shoes, because we'd left them in Dan's car), I went up to that mom and said "This is ridiculous.  I saw you on Saturday and didn't even know your name.  My name's Becky.  What's yours?"

Yep.  Just like that.  Just like any normal person should have done months ago.

Then, because my new friend had a name easy to find on FB (me: hmmm... I'll just check and see if she's on here)... now we are Facebook friends.  Shocking, I know.  But my friend request to her said "Please be my friend on here so I can know someone at Dance."  (The other 2 moms I talk to there aren't on FB.  I've asked.)

New Friend, if you are reading this, don't worry.  Now that we are friends, I will not attack your precious hour of time without your little one.  I will not sit beside you each week and make you tell me all the fun things you've been doing.  But, I will like knowing you by name.

And, people, let's be honest... I won't have to interrupt your precious time... because I will know all the fun things you've been doing... because I'm a professional stalker.

Therein lies the question: is reading someone's wall truly stalking?  That's the whole point of Facebook, right? It's a public forum to post what you want people to know about you, right?

Don't hear me say I read everyone's page... I'll be honest, I don't have time for that.  I read my News Feed.  If you post fun pictures, sometimes I see them.  If you send me a message, I read it.  And sometimes, when I have a moment, that leads me to go to your page and see what you've been doing.  Then I'm all "I didn't know you know her!" or "I have always wanted to eat there... was it good?" or "Who knew you were from the mountains!"... and then a beautiful virtual relationship is born.

But is that not the point?

So help me process this, friends... when is it stalking and when is it using FB for what it was intended- the sharing of social information?

All of this to say that this morning while I should be polishing up my Ice Breaker for MOMS at church, I've been "stalking" my New Friend's page.  Who knew she just ran a 5K?  Amazing.  And, she had Chicken Pie for dinner.  Lord, help me, I love Facebook....