ThankFULL

In 2010, I started taking cues from my friend Gina and posting a daily "Top 5" of things I enjoyed about my day on Facebook.  This was after that random tumor surgery, and while I sat on the couch feeling sorry for myself all day, I needed some mental redirection.  Like most things, after a while I stopped.  It wasn't that I was less mindful of my Top 5, it was that I began to feel I was bogging down my News Feed.  After Daddy died last year, Dan pointed out that he thought it was time again to start focusing on my Top 5... there was so much sadness, I needed to remind myself of the good in my little corner of the world.

When I brought back the Top 5, I got several private messages about how others "needed" to see them... that they encouraged their children/spouses/friends to do the same... and how a mental redirection was just what they needed, too.

This week, I had the pleasure of hearing a friend speak at my church about the same idea- choosing gratitude.  My friend, Peggy, shared her story of a bike accident in which she was hit by a motorist and left in a wheelchair for months- during which time her mother and several friends died.  Like my own story, grief upon grief can wear a person down.  But Peggy chose gratitude- she said from the first moments in the ER, she began focusing on what was good in her life and even in her unfortunate situation.  (She also noted later, btw, that she does a "Top 5" of her own in her journal each morning.)

Peggy's talk stirred up my own desire to re-visit my daily Top 5.  My last couple of months have been wrecked with grief, disappointment, frustration, and exhaustion.  But they also have been blessed with homecomings, laughter, shared meals, warm hugs, and joy.  I have shared snipits of these moments on Facebook, but more importantly I have gathered my gratitude in my heart.

One would think that with the "November 30 Days of Thankfulness" trend on the interwebs, that I'd be all over that.  I actually have never done it- not because I'm one of the people who is opposed to it (although the people who are the complainers 335 other days of the year who lead with "I'm thankful for the happiness I've found in Jesus" do crack me up), but because I kinda feel like I overwhelm my News Feed with it the rest of the year (see above.)  But given Peggy's gentle prompting this week- I feel compelled to share some of the great things in this brutiful life of mine with my dear Reader Friends.

Gratitude: November 2013 Edition (not in order of importance, lest any of you get offended easily)

1. Half Price bottles of wine a dear friends with which to share them.

2. Papas and Beer

3. Whimsical Women

4. A super fun Barenaked Ladies concert

5. Finally meeting the Barenaked Ladies at that super fun concert

6. My Book Club

7. Someone else offering to "throw me a party" for the first time in years

8. Upcoming weddings

9. Upcoming vacations

10. Reconnecting with old friends

11. Pumpkin Beer, Jaime style

12. Blogger dates

13. Working out- the biggest surprise of what I'm grateful for, because I've never EVER had that on a list

14. Watching E get so excited about babysitters

15. Date nights

16. Scandal

17. Buffalo wings

18. Upcoming holidays

19. Finding Daddy's coffee mug at Mom's house

20. My new planner

21. That Bunko got reborn

22. Movie dates

23. Planning showers to love on friends

24. Knowing that I have a Laurie Date on my calendar

25. Good books

26. New makeup

27. Good pens- including my new Dry Erase markers

28. Coffee

29. Our bus stop. Most of the time.

30. Short hair.

I've had 30(+) things this month (and last) that bring me joy... that make me pause in gratitude... and that take my mind off of the hurt.  And, as Peggy pointed out, there are still days with lots of moments of me wanting to scream out "God- I WANT MY OLD LIFE BACK!"... but in the moments in which I am thankful, I can enjoy this brutiful space where I am.

I am blessed.

And I am full of thanks.

these are a few of my favorite things (from this summer....)

I wish, like Oprah, I could give you all a little serving of each of these treats from my summer.  Instead, I'll lay them out for you in list form and let you decide if you'd like to partake.

Favorite way I've spent money:
1. Grief Healing Through Photography- the course I've been taking at Sawtooth

      Dan joked that this class should have been called "Becky Johnston, please take this class."  It has been just what I've needed for sure.

2. Working out with Debbie
      If you've missed me talking about it, I urge you to read this or this.  It's worth the money and then some.
3. Wild Goose

Favorite books:
For the grieving category (can't imagine everyone would love these)
The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion
A Force of Will by Mike Stavlund
****
Other  (and both of my summer faves came from my friend MSTJ!)
Call Me Zelda by Erika Robuck
Where'd You Go, Bernadette? by Maria Semple

Favorite restaurants:
Brothers in Clemmons
Jeffery Adams in Winston
That random one where Laurie and I got margaritas in Sedona
White Duck Taco Shop in Asheville
Blue Mountain Pizza in Weaverville
Universal Joint in West Asheville

Favorite water moments:

in the pool with Cousin Emily and the Aunties at Kure Beach
in the French Broad with Dan and E at Wild Goose
Splashville with E
in the sound with the Wessells
Saddlebrook pool

Favorite experiences for E:
Ms. Leslie's art camp
Camp Oonie Koonie Cha
Camp of Kids
Wild Goose
Star Wars: Where Science Meets Imagination

Favorite Birchbox treat:
Curly hair keeper
     Birchbox is the silliest way I've spent money this year... and one of the most fun!

Favorite summer meal:
Tomato pie, roasted vegetables, sweet tea
     ("My" tomato pie recipe is awesome, but it's better when it's prepared by the one who gave me the recipe.)
Sandwiches for D's birthday

Favorite drinks of the summer:
Anything from Addison Farms, particularly "Coming Home"
Beer, most varieties, if enjoyed outside
White wine with fresh peaches (thanks, Christy!)


Favorite 'other' summer moments:

silly string fights
s'mores
convertible rides
beer outside
Arizona
Indigo Girls at Wild Goose
winery afternoons
hiking at Graveyard Fields
walks in the rain
tears in a conference room
Hanover Seaside Club
Barenaked Ladies show
time with family in the mountains
birthday dinners
playing in mud puddles
enjoying the beauty of bridges on our road trip
Bob Evans' farm
truckers caps
sparklers
dog parks
singing and swinging


One final note: One of my assignments in my grief class allowed me to look at all of the moments I've celebrated since the bottom dropped out in our world.  I have had lots of them.  Lots.  I am beyond thankful for the celebrating, especially as I remember that I "should" be 8 months pregnant right now.  Keep in mind that while my Facebook page has been updated a ton this summer with some amazing moments, that doesn't mean that every day is easy.  I have to wonder- as so many of us have discussed- how many of us remember and acknowledge the pain behind the posts.  The bad and the good moments are seasoned with tears... fortunately our days see less hard tears now and more tears of healing.  And for that, we are grateful.

Days like this...

In the grand scheme of life... I can't complain right now.

But I'm going to.

So here goes.

Exhibit A: On my way back from Dollar General tonight (had to get more safety pins for E's school's clothing sale), Dan's "Service Engine" light came on.  Seriously.  We had *just* said that we would have to get a new (to us) car the next time something happens to that car.  We cannot afford to continue to pour money into it.  (And did I mention our lawnmower died last week?  Yep.  Dead.)

Exhibit B: I went up in the attic to get stuff down for the sale and almost had a panic attack... I kept thinking I was gonna fall out.  And that would be reason enough to get wheezey, but add to that (Exhibit Pre-A) that I went to the pulmonologist earlier today to find I have an Upper Respiratory Infection... I'm on a Z-pack and Prednisone.  Rawesome.

Exhibit C: While we were upstairs, we realized our air conditioning isn't working.  Which would be great, since it's fall now, right?  And not the 900 degree summer?  Except that because of Exhibit Pre-A, I can't have a house with open windows  right now... pollen count and all.  Super.

Exhibit A.1: Dan leaves to drive across the state on Thursday... with his jacked up car.

Exhibit A+C: We are trying to save for a deck... because ours is about to FALL OFF OF OUR HOUSE AND SOMEONE WILL DIE AND SUE US AND THEN... wait... I get ahead of myself.  Seriously, our deck is ruined... and now that money will have to go to a car payment and a new AC Unit.

So, in the midst of 4 hours of chaos... what can I learn from this?
1. That Emily's Dad was wrong... I should NOT have been a lawyer.  Clearly, did you people see how I laid out evidence?  Shameful.

2. That God and Ryan Murphy love me more than the rest of you, because together they brought a FREAKIN-FANTASTIC episode of Glee tonight.  "Mr. Shue, I want your babies!"  Priceless.

3. That whether or not we get a deck (any of you want to build one in exchange for free ice breakers?), we are in such a better financial place than we were 9 years ago... I can't complain.  Well, I can (see above Exhibits), but I shouldn't.

4. That putting together cute invitations to a cute Halloween party is soothing... I really should do more of this these days.

5. That looking through E's old clothes makes me aware how blessed we are.

and... wait for it...

6. That SIX MONTHS ago I was getting ready to have surgery to remove my tumor.  And despite this junky night, I'm thankful I'm not there...   It's frustrating to be here, but I'm not in the hospital, yelling profanities (whoops) at nurses whose job in life it was to hurt me, in too much pain to cry, and away from my girl.  Instead, I'm at home with my family.

I'll take it.

And, once again, after hanging up with one of my oldest and dearest friends (preschool! Brownie camp!), I watched this:




I've seen it about 10 times today... and it still makes me smile.  And about 10 yesterday.  If I can teach E this... I'll be doing okay.  (Yes, I know I posted it as a link yesterday, but come on... can you stand how cute it is?)

Sometimes it takes old friends who you've shared 32 years of life with to remind you of that... and to just hear them laugh.  And while I'm at it, here's one of my favorite pics of all time:

Aunt Christy and E (9 months) Girls Weekend 2007

Good times.

ps... I guess this is 6.a.  I go back in to the doctor's in a couple of weeks for a check-up and to monitor the growth of those other little tumors they saw.  I sure would appreciate those prayers...  no innocent nurses need to deal with me again in the future...