Monday, March 18, 2013

Second Trimester Honesty

Last week, I posted about how much I struggle with March.  I either tempted fate, karma, satan or something... because true to form, my week deteriorated.  I ended up in the ER Monday night with my asthma flare up, then ended up in the OB on Thursday with some complications from an infection.


All of this was on the tale end of spending the previous week on the couch as a result of a respiratory infection.


So for two weeks, my life was on hold more than I care for it to be... and my emotional state was one train wreck after another. 

We spent the weekend with our Foster Agency at Great Wolf Lodge... Dan and E enjoyed the water park and the Magiquest- I enjoyed time in the room (and a pedicure!).  I'm still not back at 100% breathing wise and my other infection has yet to clear.




I am celebrating this milestone- not just because of the obvious "Yay we did it! we are past the yucky risk mark!"... but because... in full disclosure... the first trimester sucked.  Yep.  It did.

There is a huge part of me that doesn't want to post that.  The part who never thought I'd get to experience this miracle of life again.  The part who feels like I've won the "Miracle Lottery".  The part who can't wait to find out gender and plan a nursery.  The part who has recently gotten baby fever by seeing all of these little sweet peas around.  The part who feels flutters in her belly and thinks "Oh this!  This is the good part!"

But it did.  It sucked.

The first 1-2 weeks (6-7 gestation, but 1-2 of our "awareness" of this miracle) were SUCH a rollercoaster.  I couldn't believe it as we began to tell people- I felt like I was on an episode of Punk'd.  I kept waiting for a punch line.  I kept crying over the difference in this pregnancy and last... I re-grieved losing Daddy and Mary and them not knowing this baby... as well as this baby not knowing them.  In full disclosure, I grieved life as I know it- the freedom I have with my self-sufficient 6 year old, our pattern of life, our ease of travel, and the beauty of having an only child.  (Sidenote: I never thought I wanted an only child... as someone with a sibling, I always wanted a sibling for E.  However, there is a beauty that comes with having "just" one that is hard to describe... I know her so well.  She knows me so well.  And part of my rollercoaster was realizing I had to let that go.)

Those first few weeks I was also hit with all of the usual first trimester yuckiness- the exhaustion (and OMW is it worse at 37 than it was at 31!), the nausea, the food aversion... then add that to my illness that kicked in around week 10--- it honestly just. wasn't. fun!

But you can't say that, right?  You have to put on your happy pregnant face and say "We are so thrilled!"  Because honestly we are... but that doesn't make the earlier stuff any less real.  I am sharing my body with a little person who makes my breathing more difficult... that's hard.  I am rethinking everything we thought would be "true" about our lives in the days to come.  I am having to remind myself that plans are made with the potential to be broken.  I am mindful of the miracle, yet living with reality... a fine line to juggle.

And please know that we are thrilled.  Our days now involve discussion of baby names, nursery plans, thoughts of sweet baby smells, E constantly talking about how fun it will be to have a little brother or sister... it's good.  But it's way easier for me to say it's good now that I have my appetite back, I'm not constantly one step away from a nap, and I don't feel like throwing up every time I see an Applebee's ad.  Well, that last one might be an exaggeration, but that might not just be due to pregnancy...

Just because you're on the receiving end of a blessing- and one that you want to receive- doesn't mean it's always easy.  I never thought I'd be the one saying those words, but how true they have become in the last 13 weeks.  Looking forward to the next 27 and praying for good health along the way.  Oh, and sweet baby?  If you're reading this later?  EVERY MOMENT we waited for you was worth it.  It was just kinda hard sometimes.  Life is hard... blessings and all.

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