Thursday, November 29, 2007

Has my life come to this?

My friend Katie summed it up nicely Monday morning at Bible Study. We were talking about coveting and she said a few months ago before they got their new car that she found herself coveting station wagons. She said her first thought when realizing that she was coveting a station wagon* was "Has my life really come to this?!? A station wagon?!?!"

I had the same thought today when I saw one of my crushes. He was driving past me. In a minivan. Has it really come to this? Have my days of crushes on real crushable people- like Kirk Cameron or Michael J. Fox moved on to the non-crushables?

I am constantly drawn to nerds. That's nothing new. Maybe I should have seen it coming when one of my first crushes was Alex P. Keaton- staunch Republican conservative. (I thought at the time that I balanced out that nerdy crush with the "rebel" crush on bad boy Mike Siever.) Because of my love for the nerds, no one is ever surprised when I confess my love for people like Peter Sagal, or (back in the day) Drew Carey. And because I'm 100% female, no one questions my love for the hot hot hot men like James Denton during the first season of Desperate Housewives, or Taye Diggs, well, anytime he breathes. And because I'm 100% Tarheel, no one (except for Erin Amrich who says that he's too old for me) questions my love for Roy Williams. Those "public" crushes kind of make sense to people.

But Lord knows I've always been cursed with the love for the "every day" man.

I've crushed on worship leaders of almost every church organization I've ever been a part of. I've crushed on my boyfriends before they were my boyfriends, and then their best friends once I was dating those boyfriends. I've crushed on teachers, leaders, friends' fathers and brothers... you name it, I've crushed.

Dan knows all about my crushes, don't worry. I am very open and honest with my love of other men. In fact, our friend Sinclair said the other day as I referrenced someone as "my boyfriend"... "wait, Becky... who isn't your boyfriend?" Sigh. So true.

The last 2 weeks have been hell for our family. We have ridden the emotional rollercoaster of cancer up and down. I have cried and cried and ached and ached. But in the midst of it... I've smiled. I have smiled... because... I was told someone had a crush on me. On ME!

An old friend from high school who I found on Myspace said these words:
Yep...I had a serious crush on you as a teenager! It was one of the only reasons I went to church! .... Anyway, how are you? Fill me in on your life. I'm so happy you messaged me...I figured you wouldn't even remember me.

Happy day of days... the crush-er became the crush-ee! My heart did a flip and I basked in my high school glow for a few minutes before I told Dan (and, yes, he made fun of me) then I wrote my friend back.

It's amazing what this silly revelation has done to my perspective this week. His words gave me confidence that I had been noticed in days when my identity felt so conflicted and bound to the identity of others. My place in the space of his life had meant something. My place in the space of someone's life other than my own had meant something. Maybe that's what my crushes are all about... allowing others to fill space in my life. Giving credibility for who they are and what they do (and, yes, even how they look.) I will continue to have crushes on people as long as I'm able. And maybe I'll even share that with them. Or maybe I'll just smile as they drive past me in their minivan... all the while thinking "Has my life really come to this?" Men in minivans, taking up space once occupied by Alex P. Keaton and Mike Siever.

As I've been sitting here writing this, an old friend who is married to a former crush called me. She asked if we wanted to hang out tonight. We are going to. Oh Lord... does this mean I have to rethink what I'm wearing?!?!?!? Some things never change... Has my life really come to this??

*Please note: I am the proud owner of a station wagon. And not just ANY station wagon. One with a NICE sound system. And... neon lights. And I'm not kidding. Who wouldn't covet that?

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