Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Losing my A-game...

Look at what we got yesterday:
Proofs from E's school pictures.  Abnormal?  Surely not.  But they were to me... because I thought *yesterday* was picture day.

See, her original picture day was the week after surgery.  I helped my Mom get her dressed, fixed her hair, and shipped her off to school while I was doped up on pain meds.  Then, we got an email from her teacher saying that there had been a problem with the pictures and we were going to do a do-over.  In my head, they were Monday, April 26.  In real life, they were actually taken on Monday, April 19.

This was the last straw.

I fell totally and completely apart.

I cried and cried to Dan about why I can't seem to get my act together for what felt like hours- in real life I think it was about 10 minutes.  Dan told me that I need to give myself a break, that I've had a lot going on lately.  And that's true.  And maybe I would agree with him, if the same thing hadn't happened before.

Pajama Day.

Yep, I was the Mom that sent her kid to school in regular clothes on what was one of the most precious days in Preschool World... Pajama Day.  The kids get to wear their PJs to school and snack for the day is made up of pancake goodness.  And me?  I forgot.  (Now, again, to justify my forgetfulness, the night before I had gotten a disturbing phone call from a family member and spent the next 36 hours in tears... clearly, my brain could hardly get myself out of my PJs let alone remembering to put E in hers.  I clearly solved the problem by heading to TJ Maxx- conveniently just down the street from her school- and she was the proud new recipient of Curious George PJs.  Bought on sale.  The only ones in her size.  It was as if it was from the Lord.)

So, as Dan was trying to convince me yesterday to give myself a break, I was hearing nothing of it.  I just kept saying to him "why can the rest of the world get their kids where they need to be when they need to be there and I can't seem to get any of it right?"  Dan, of course, started to "soothe" me by telling me I am doing too much.  When he got the look of death, he went the other way to tell me that the people he knows who really seem to truly have their act together have it together to mask much bigger problems. He went as far as to say his patients that appear have orderly lives do it to cover up abuse or are themselves abused.

Again, I wasn't soothed.

I spent some time feeling sorry for myself.  Then I went to a friend to ask for prayer.  I emailed her: "Having one of those moments we were talking about on Saturday- I can't keep my life together. Pray for me?  Having a hard, hard time."

Her response: "Praying for you sweet friend! You are perfect and complete in Jesus!"

Maybe one day I will understand that to it's fullest.  I've taught it, but yesterday was a reminder that maybe I've not fully bought it.  So that's my prayer for myself today... that I'll understand and rest in my being complete in Christ. (Side note, I hope all of you have people you can turn to when you can't hear Truth on your own who call you back to it.  I fully believe that's why God puts us in community.)

And if I forget Pajama Day, or picture day (and let's just take a moment to thank God that my daughter who has a desire to wear cute dresses all the time chose to on what really was picture day), or I show up at the wrong location for your kid's birthday party, or miss your birthday (happy birthday, Bill Bill), or forget to RSVP to your showers, or, well, whatever "Becky-like" thing that I will do... it doesn't matter.  I'm not masking abuse, I'm not living a lie, and my identity is in Christ.

While I may not get it right, I'll spend my days focusing on what I can control, and not freaking out when I can't control the rest.  Here's what I "got right" this morning:
I am a blessed, blessed woman with a cute little girl and a cute little dog.  What else do I need.... certainly not an A-game.

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