Saturday, February 11, 2012

Why I'm a train wreck...

I have met a couple of friends over the last few years who I've given this disclaimer to: "I promise I'm not always such a train wreck."

This usually follows one of the descriptors of my life:
-a "random" tumor/surgery/then recovery period
-losing my stepmom to a fight with cancer
-heading across the globe to help out in Africa
-church stuff... a LOT of the time
-and regrouping from all of the above after it/they take up a lot of my brain space.

Then I realized... you know what?  That's a lie.  I am a constant train wreck.

I am a train wreck in that when something in my life happens- I want everything to stop until I take care of that situation.  I want nothing "else" to have to deal with until there has been some sort of resolution (or at least plan of attack) from whatever has caused my life to stop.

Guess what I've discovered?

That doesn't happen.

Two and a half weeks ago, our world came to a halt when some of our dearest friends learned that one of  their little ones has leukemia.  I wanted to do nothing else but huddle up with our friends, love them, love their children, and ignore the rest of the world.  My heart and mind had no more room to take care of anything else- and it was already over-full with taking care of others in our lives and praying about major life decisions.  But in that moment, all that mattered was those friends.

I went to the hospital on that Thursday night- less than 12 hours before we were scheduled to go to Disneyworld- and told my sweet friend that I didn't want to go.  Even speaking those words out loud made me realize how selfish that sounded... my need to stay was far more about my needs than even wanting to stay to help with hers.  I couldn't stand the thought of being gone.  I wanted to help.  I was the one who wanted to be here... I, I, I, me, me, me.  

The irony of all of this self-realization is that one of the things that angered me the most in those first few days was how so many people did make it about themThey wanted to be the ones at the front of the information loop.  They wanted to talk about how they would feel if it were their child.  Them, them, them.

Oh, wait, I was doing the same thing... just a different "flavor" of selfish.

Fortunately, I have a friend who saw my heart and gave her blessing on our trip.  (It was likely a relief for her, as she was thinking "If Becky's in Florida, she can't be bothering me 24/7.")  We ended up having a great time, even though most of my heart was still in the hospital here at home.

I just keep coming back to the idea of my Train Wreck Syndrome... I like the idea of the world being able to stop.  I like being able to compartmentalize things so that you only have to "deal" with one thing at a time.  If I'm learning anything from the people around me, though, it's that that cannot happen.  And the best thing we have going for all of us is that those around us pick up the pieces in times of need so that the main thing can reamain to be the main thing of our attention.  We are blessed.

We are continuing to be changed at a rate so rapid I can hardly keep up.  Over the last 2 months our prayer lives have been amplified time and time again.  My heart has hurt and rejoiced so much I feel like it could explode.  And yet this I know: nothing is going to stop to wait for me to catch up.  During this season of life, I'll just have to hold tighter to the One who knows where this train is going... because I can't stop everything now.

Continuing to try to make it all well with my soul... 

And, yes, my sweet little friend will covet all of your prayers.

1 comment:

Small Town Joy: said...

Oh my goodness, I also suffer from train wreck syndrome! I even find myself (in the midst of my halt) wondering why everyone else around me has not dropped everything to attend to what I believe is earth shattering. Do they not get it? Of course, God always finds a way to point out that everything is not all about me. :)