Tuesday, April 10, 2012

an update... the odd space.

Just a quick post to update you all on how we're doing.  So many of you have been kind to check in...  I would update you on all the details of our days, but as I said to someone the other day- if my current life were being made into a Lifetime movie and I stopped the channel changing to watch it... I would immediately change the channel.  I would assume that the writer/director/producer had tried to incorporate too many story lines and that it was a bunch of overacting and it would feel like "too much".

Because it kind of is.

Too much.

But we're getting by.

Last week was Spring Break and I'd committed to having "Camp of Kids" with some of E's friends.  Every gracious parent gave me an "out", but the one to whom I'd committed (Miss E) had not given me an out and I needed to honor our relationship by continuing with our plans.  The kids were great and super funny and when they left I was exhausted, but that's my new normal.  One of the best moments happened as we were doing an Easter craft and I asked the kids what they liked best about Easter.  One little girl started- mid thought, bringing the rest of us along with her- by saying, "So I was like, wait a minute.. the adults buy candy and put it in baskets and leave it for us?" (gulp.)  Before I had to respond at all, another precious girl said, "NO! The chocolate is from God!"  (Not even one year in our country and she has important things figured out.  Score one for adoption!)

That night- totally unrelated to Camp- I had my biggest meltdown yet.  Dan had miscommunicated to someone our plans for the weekend and it triggered all of my emotions... I yelled at him, screamed for my loss, and sobbed at the reality that is not yet real... my Daddy... MY DADDY... is gone.  After running to the bathroom to throw up (I'm so over crying heaves) and coming back to be enveloped in Dan's arms, E came in from outside.  "Uh, Mommy?  You told me to go outside to climb trees... can I come back yet?"  (Whoops.  Shielding her from Mommy's wrath= good.  Forgetting to tell her to come back= less than good.)

Each day has proven to have it's own set of hard moments.  Some of them come when I allow myself to get cynical and hear the unfortunate things people say as they don't know what to say.  I am trying daily to step "out" of myself and to filter those moments through Grace.  Some of those moments come when I'm lonely... that's what a lot of last week was.  Some of those occur when I share grief with a friend who has lost her Grandfather, or when I hug a dear woman who just lost her Daddy, too, or when I get angry on behalf of my friend whose child has cancer.  Sometimes the injustice of it all is just too much to bear.

The reality is that it is not yet reality for me.  While these last 2 weeks have tried to define my new "normal", it all feels like I'm just getting the chance to share fun stories of my Daddy with the world... and in that I take some time to cry.

The only hope that comes from this odd space is the Hope I have that there is more.  There is more because there is the promise of Jesus.  I am thankful that even when I don't feel that Hope, I know that He is who He is even in moments like this.  Without that Hope, I would be lost.  Without that Hope, I would live in the land of cynical and become "that girl"... you know, the one you kind of want to block on Facebook because she always has drama?  Or the one that you tense up when you see her coming because her junk oozes out of her?  Yeah... I refuse to be her.  I want to be the kind of girl that my Daddy taught me to be... as well as the one who has Hope from her Spiritual Father, too.

And look at all this goodness I get to see each day to remind me of the job I have to do here... Her Dadaw needs her to learn those same lessons... and now I get to teach her.

Thanks for checking in.


Rutledge 7 said...

love you:)

Michelle said...

I love you, and I loved getting to help with your Easter egg hunt. <3

Sarah said...

Beautifully written, as usual, and touching. Continuing to think of you and send you strength!

Lisa@Pickles and Cheese said...

Yes, this was very touching to read and I am so very sorry about your Dad. I hope each day gets a little bit easier for you.

Cheryl said...

My heart aches for you, friend. I know things are hard to bear right now. I pray comfort for your broken heart.