Monday, November 14, 2011

Broken trust.

My heart is heavy and my head is full.  Actually, that's a lie.  My head is overflowing.

The last 48 hours I've had some pretty serious talks.  This weekend while in Wilmington, my girl friends and I tackled major life issues: heaven/hell, abortion, government systems, hypocrisy, and abuse.  Then I got home just in time for our College Ministry discussion on this topic: How can a loving God send people to hell?  Then today my brain was spinning during Kindermusik while a new friend and I talked about how to explain the Trinity to children. 

And in the midst of all of this heavy, heavy stuff... I got an email from a friend.

This is a friend who has shared part of her life with me... and for that I am grateful.

In light of all the media attention on Jerry Sandusky, she feels it's time to share her story.

And she asked me to help her do that.

This is her story to tell- and at this point, her story is being shared as "anonymous."  I respect her desire to share it, as well as her desire to keep her identity in confidence.  Several of you know lots of my friends, and several of you know her... so please understand that even though I'm sure you'll be curious as to the author, it's not my story to tell.  It's hers, and she's asked me to share it with you.
From an Abused Childs Perspective – Anonymous

In the wake of all the media surrounding a football so called “scandal” there are many of us children of abuse listening and watching. I see this in another light than most because I have been abused by an adult, a friends’ father, while only 8 years old.  I watch the media just as everyone else does and hear the anger in people’s voices as they chant for either side. This is my opinion and of course there are many of them out there but for me I am saddened that someone was fired – let me explain. Also, let it be known I am a graduate of another University and have no ties to that “other” school.

When this happened to me I had the know how and the strength to tell my parents the day it occurred. Luckily for me it happened only once because I did tell my parents and wasn’t scared to do so. My perpetrator knew I told and there for never came after me or did my parents allow me back in their home. But this one time was enough to change me forever. This one time put me in a statistic I wish I did not belong. For me I do not remember a portion of my attack, though through counseling I learned that your body has a built in “safety net” and when it feels you can handle this information, you will remember, well I still do not remember.  Do I blame God for letting this happen to me or others, no, he knew human kind was not going to be perfect and created this  “safety net” therefore I am thankful. 

Back to my sadness over someone getting fired, I told you that I had told my parents. Should my parents be fired?  Well as I do not remember getting away from “him”, my friend’s father, I do remember hiding in a closet until my friend found me crying and she pulled over the phone as had I requested, at that time phones were on cords attached to the walls. I called my parents and said, “Come get me”. In that time waiting for them in the closet my friend looked out the window watching for them to come.  Never did she ask what was wrong, I think she knew, and now think she was a victim as well.  I rode in the car in silence and then when we got home I sat up on the kitchen counter, for some reason I remember this fact, and told both my mom and dad what had happened. My perpetrator is not in jail, I have never pressed charges, so should my parents be fired?

Years went by and ninth grade came, I liked a boy, my memories starting coming back. From the period of third grade on, my thoughts or feelings of this past life changing event never bothered me. Surprisingly so because I had to see her dad in church each Sunday and at every school event, and no longer had a friend I once had. Until every night in ninth grade I would wake up crying and knew I needed help, I went to my dad and told him I remembered what happened and couldn’t deal with my emotions. I asked him why the cops were not involved and he told they had been. His first comment to me was, “I thought you forgot it ever happened.”  

Should he be fired?

He rocked me in the rocking chair as I sobbed, which seems silly because now I was not a baby but a teenager, but I remember feeling so loved. I do not blame my parents or God for my pain, but wish I never had it.  My dad told me that he thought he had done all that he knew to do at the time. I never knew he went to the police until this discussion. They had gone to “his” house and questioned him, but really what good is that when they never questioned me.  The police had advised my parents to just never discuss it again, so they had followed this advise until now.

Should the cops be fired?

Being a teenager now and have emotions for wanting to kiss boys, I needed to control my other emotions of wanting to run and hide at the same time. Confusion of past emotions filled my thoughts and I needed more help.  So I went to the school counselor, and in my starting to tell the details of the hide and seek game in which I was abused, she was crying.   

Not helpful, should she be fired?

She called my parents, in which my mom was embarrassed I had told my personal story, she blamed herself for allowing me to go to their house to play. I don’t blame her at all, bad things happen and it isn’t anyone’s fault but the perpetrators.  So I went to another counselor, and another counselor. By then I was over telling my story and having each one cry back in my face. I discussed going to court but the report that my dad had gone to the police was missing or thrown out. I had no record other than me against him.   

Who should be fired now?

It was a decision I had to make in ninth grade if I was strong enough to go to court, did I want it all over the local small town media. True fully, all I wanted at that time was him to be dead.  Maybe it was teenage melodramas but that is what I wanted.  Then a friend of mine had his father pass away unexpectedly and I went to the funeral in support. As I sat at the viewing and saw my friend crying I realized I could not go to court. I knew I would win and then would be putting away a past friends father and therefore taking him from her too.  Maybe I would have saved her from him now that I think she was abused, but that wasn’t a thought at the time.

Should I be fired?

In writing this I just want you to know that people look for someone to blame for bad things all the time. Someone wants someone to be responsible; I don’t think people should be fired for not trying to do the right “thing” at the time. You may not know what that right thing is at the time.  I still am learning from my own experience and trying to gauge who should be fired or even myself maybe for not taking action when given the chance. I believe that my perpetrator did not only do this to me but to his own daughter and one other that I know of.  There is a long line of people that could be fired including me- should I be? 
Thank you for trusting me, Friend, with your story.  My prayer is that your boldness to share your story will lead to healing in your life as well as in the lives of others.  I also pray that we respond to those children whose trust is broken every day by adults who owe them so much more.

It's not about football.  It's not about coaches.  It's about trust... that was broken.

Praying for peace.


LaVenture's Adventures said...

Very insightful and full of wisdom. I agree - only the perpetrator is to blame. I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I hope God will continue to give you strength and heal your heart and ultimately even bring you to a place of forgiveness, as crazy as that may sound. His peace passes understanding.

Peggy H. said...

I am very sorry for what happened to your friend and pray for her continued healing. But here's another side to the story:

Rachel H said...

This was so touching. Thank you for sharing this story. I hope that in writing it, it has given your friend some peace and comfort. She will be in my prayers!