Thursday, November 3, 2011

waiting... (an update on Foster world for us)

(So, I'm dying to tell you all the fun time we had on our last week's vacation, complete with cute pictures... BUT. I. CAN'T. FIND. MY. CAMERA. ADAPTER. CORDS.  Junk.  And we're in the midst of getting over bronchitis in this house, so basically, that'll have to wait.  But, it's killing me.  I have some fun stories.)

I mentioned that I have bronchitis, right?  That has led to some "fun" time on prednisone, which basically makes me both bat-crap (like that editing?) crazy and highly productive at the same time.  It's a joy.  The good pharmaceutical news is that it has made me be able to breathe (along with the crazy expensive antibiotic, zeesh).  The other good news is that I have gotten more done in my house in 3 days than it feels like I've gotten done in the last 3 months.  Part of that is because Dan has been off this week and we've had some good team work.  Part of that is because... well... I'm on prednisone.  And part of that is because I'm *sick* of this house-to-do-list-are-we-ever-going-to-get-it-done-we'll-never-have-foster-kids-and-its-our-fault.


You see, back in February when God called us to bring children into our home and family, I imagined having more stockings on our mantle at Christmas.  I pictured having the holidays surrounded my the family I knew now, and children who were in need of some of that Waldrup/Duck/Randolph/Johnston goodness.  I had been told my anyone I asked that if we hurried through our part of the process, the "main" hang-ups would be on the end of the agency, and they would be our only delay.  Not us.  Because we are do-ers.  We are get-it-done-ers.


Then along came life... and that's not been true for us.

If you know me at all, you know I document my life based on events.  I love that I get several times in my calendar year to "start over"... the actual New Year, and then the academic New Year which I've followed since 1980something.  I love having a bench mark of when new habits can be easily formed.  This year, my newest bench mark has been titled "After Africa."  I came home from those 3 weeks full of all of the things God taught me, ready to unleash it on my life, my family, and to run full-speed toward those children waiting for my family.

Then Dan's job changed.  He took on more responsibility at work and things were hard for us.  Hard, y'all.  He cares deeply about what he does, and 90% of his energy went to pouring himself into a place that needed him.

Then we started our MAPP classes.

Then we had a family member end up in the hospital and were needed in other ways.

Then we felt under spiritual attack.

Then Dan started looking for a new job, and, praise God, got one.

Then we went on vacation and for the first time in 4 and half months, we breathed.  We sat together, a wreck of a couple, and breathed.

I had been so ready for 2010 to be over (like, so ready I'll never be able to put it into words clearly) that I couldn't even anticipate what could be waiting behind door number 2011.  It's been easier in physical ways- no tumor, no hospice... but emotionally?  Whew, y'all.  I could use a hug.

Our to-do list for getting licensed as Foster Parents is still there.  We've said numerous times to our social worker, "We swear we're still in this.  We've had a bunch of road blocks.  But we're getting there."  And that's all true.  But what kills me is that the hangup has been us.  Not them.  If it had been them (the agency) I could self-righteously say when people ask me when we'll get a placement (which happens at least every other day) "Well, we're just waiting on them.  We're done."  But we're not.  We haven't had the fire inspection, we have some paperwork to do over, we haven't gotten our fingerprints yet, we have a medical form to re-do.... it's just been.... hard.

So back to the prednisone.  I have been tackling my to-do list since Tuesday in HUGE ways.  My house is finally, finally getting to be the place I want it to be.  We've moved furniture to where it belongs, we've purged bags and bags of things to Goodwill or the trash.  We've filed papers.  We've put the crib mattress in the crib.  Y'all, we're getting somewhere.

And then it happened.

Last night, while I was alone in the office.... I thought I was going to die.  I'm not kidding.  No exaggeration. 

Since my tumor surgery, I get random side pains.  My surgeon told me that these could happen indefinitely.  It feels like a major cramp.  Usually they come in bursts of 2 or 3, and then they leave.  It doesn't happen frequently, but when it does, I can't talk or breathe until the pain subsides.

Last night I had one come on so intense that I held my breath for almost a minute.  Then I saw my side spasming.  Then it happened a second time, for just as long.  And then I called for Dan.  I couldn't move.  I couldn't lie down.  I could barely even speak to tell him what was going on.  When I did, he said the words he's had to say to me once or twice too many times before: "You've over done it and your body has told you to stop."  He pulled me up, made me go to bed, gave me some pain medicine, and made me stop.  And through tears from pain both emotionally and physically I said to him, "I can't stop now.  I'm finally getting it all done."


As I drifted off to a pain-medicine sleep, my to-do list running through my mind along with a little bit of my latest Sookie Stackhouse book there, too (thanks, Anne), I thought about my expectations in all of this Foster World stuff.  A sane person would be able to give themselves a break knock off their to-do list at a reasonable pace, not pulling a muscle in their incision site in the process.  But I am not that person.  I am an emotional time bomb who is dying to bring children into our home.  I'm ready to trade my tears of pre-frustration to tears of post-exhaustion.  I'm ready to be done.

I have no great closing paragraph to tell you all "So God taught me it's about His time, not mine" or "I know that my delay won't stop the kids who need us from getting to us" or "Pain medicine rocks" although all of those statements are true.  I will tell you this... we are ready.  We are getting there.  We are prayerful.  We are impatient.  We are trying.  And we are waiting.  Thanks for asking how it's going... we appreciate you all.


Jeannie said...

that makes me tired. I'm going back to bed!!! ps- glad you're back!

The Crawfords said...

Thanks for the update---haven't seen you in a month or more and we live in the same neighborhood! We still have soooo much to do before the boys come in a few months---you would've thought we would be ready--it's only been 2 & 1/2 years since we started the adoption process. And I thought I WASN'T a procrastinator! NOT!
Btw, did you finish that book I let you borrow in June?? (Middle-Mom). If so, let me know and I can pick it up. Jo Anna

little j said...

praying for you! hang in there.