Tuesday, September 14, 2010

I am a freakin' hypocrite. (Volume One)

This summer was full.  VERY full.  BLOCK Party, camps, Camp of Kids, vacations, etc... usually, we have lots to do in the summer, but at some point my brain can shut down.  Unfortunately, that was not this summer.  My brain won't stop spinning these days.  I'm learning a lot about me and about other people... and the biggest thing I wrestled with this summer is this:

I am a freakin' hypocrite.


I am one of those.

I'm not the typical "Christian" variety you may be thinking of:  I'm not the gal who preaches one thing and practices another in regards to those big-ticket items that we Christians love to harp on.  I'm all for drinkin' and dancin' (and have found that while they go together often in my life, both have to be done in moderation... for the benefit of all around).  I'm not going to tell you how Jesus hates it when you curse then turn around and drop the F-bomb... I'm straight up in telling you that I love Jesus and I'm certain I make him cringe with some of the things I say.  Me and Jesus?  We're tight.  And I want to live authentically because of that.

No, I'm not the stereotypical hypocrite... I'm the more subtle variety.  (And this may be the only thing in my life I'm subtle about.)  Let me see if I can work this out...

Q: Do I want you to ignore the things in my past that are less than flattering?
A: Absolutely.
Q: Do I tend to keep score about the things in my past that you did to me that are less than flattering?
A: You betcha.

Q: Do I want you to help me process through things with sweet Dan when he says or does things that are jerky then immediately move past them?
A: Yep.
Q: Will I remember jerky things that your significant other said to you and store them in my "Why he/she doesn't love you well enough" File?
A: Fo' sho'.

Q: Do I expect you to give me freedom to live as God is calling me to live, even if it doesn't look like your way?
A: Completely.
Q: Will I look at your way and often make assumptions that it's not as "good" as mine?
A: Umm... maybe...

Q: Do I want you to give me large sums of money?
A: Uh-huh.
(That was just to see if you are paying attention.)

Now don't hear me wrong... I don't file away every single thing that you or others do and say and keep score about how to use those later.  I don't have the time, energy, or brain power left to do all of that.  But several times recently I've been made aware that I am asking one thing of my friends (forgiveness of them or others) and yet I've not been practicing it in my life.  I am excited and passionate about what I'm learning and want others to catch that same vision... yet I've realized that when they don't want to catch it, see it, hear it... I, well, um, maybe just a little... judge them.

That whole "Love keeps no record of wrongs" junk?  Puh-lease.

I'm working on it, people.  I hope you are too... when I get to the point that I'm free of judgement, I want to be surrounded by people who are free from that, too.  Just this morning I was reading one of Jen Hatmaker's books (which you ALL should read... seriously, she's hysterical and dead-on) Out of the Spin Cycle: Devotions to Lighten your Motherload.  She talked about just this point- and said that we have to accept our own junk.  We can be stripped down to the barest of who we are and it's cool... because we are accepting our sin and moving beyond that.  We won't be defined by who we were in the past or what we've done.

I'm willing to stand in that... you?


Erin said...

Refreshing honesty. I love it, and I can identify. Preach!

Kristen said...

I *LURVE* it when you write. I love that you are so real and that you and Jesus are "like this". ♥