Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Limping Toward That Wagon (to get back on it...)

(First thing to report: E is all better.  Dan is home.  Things have calmed down... a bit.  Thanks for your prayers!)

Okay.

Let's get down to this.

I hate my weight.

(Holy crap, did I just say that outloud for all of you to hear?)  

No one should be shocked by this... it is not a secret that I am not a "fit" person.  This isn't something I can easily hide.  True, I can dress to enhance my current size rather than trying to squeeze into clothes that don't fit.  I can have a cute hair cut, cute clothes, cute purses... but it won't mask that I'm (as the sweet seamstress said while fitting me in my wedding dress) "heavy".

Don't get me wrong- I've tried do do something about it before.  Many times before, actually.

My childhood was a roller coaster of feeling good/ feeling bad about how I looked and how much I weighed. Part of it was that I was stupid enough to surround myself with teeny tiny cheerleaders (oh, wait, I still do... I really should get new friends) who I couldn't help but compare myself to.  I don't remember a time (other than the days of 6X clothing!) where my size was something lower than something with a "1" as the first number.  I've always been a double digit kind of girl.  (And, let's talk about 6X clothing... why put an "X" on it?  Give a girl a complex while she's still in Garanimals, why dontcha?)

Compound this with my ever frustrating, ever present asthma... between rounds of Prednisone and times of having to "rest" to get better, I never developed a healthy exercise routine.

College came along and between Bud Lights (hi, Mom!), Pokey Sticks, the schmorgasboard of Lenoir and Franklin Street... well, I'll just say those weren't my healthiest years.  And it's not like I'm a huge over eater!  I just enjoy food... and don't always make good choices.

Along came my sweet Dan.  At the time we started dating, he was going to the gym twice a day.  But let's be honest... cooking and eating is way more fun than the gym, so that habit died quickly.  And along came our love of entertaining together... the joke around our house when people compliment our food is "well, we're not your skinny friends."  It's true: we both have a huge love of cooking... and we're both pretty good at it.  (Our first fight was actually over who was the better cook.  Seriously.)

We moved to Winston-Salem in 2002 and I quickly joined Weight Watchers.  Part of it was triggered from my Going Away slideshow at HillSong.  I saw myself in a picture like this:
I didn't even know that girl.  Seriously, I knew I wasn't skinny, but THAT?

Weight Watchers, Round One was a great success!  I lost about 20-25 pounds.  Then I found them.

I have rejoined WW probably (no joke) about 8 times since then... never having that kind of success again.  I think that since I know the program, it's not "magical" like it was before.  I kind of "half-step" it, and don't do well.  Then I get ticked off at myself and quit.  (This most recent time?  I went 2 weeks.  Then the card that I was paying for my membership on got hacked and it cancelled my account.  I took that as a sign from the Lord that I didn't need to be going to Weight Watchers.  I kill me.)

Now, I was never "That Girl" who did it 100% right anyway.  I didn't count every single chip at the Mexican restaurant, and the fact that I was even still at the Mexican restaurant says something.  I cared about losing weight and being healthy... but I also vowed not to live my life miserable (or making others miserable with all my Point counting) and give up some of the things that make me happy.

Fast forward to 2 years ago.  My 4 girlfriends and I trained for a 5K together.  It was great.  It was hell.  It was all of it.  One of our friends wrote a training program for us and we followed it... and cursed him the whole time.  (Hi, John!)  Things were going along great... I was fighting the battle of my mind (I had rehearsed over and over that I couldn't run, so therefore I couldn't... but I conquered it!) and winning.  I was able to walk/run a bit on a regular basis.  I was healthier than I'd ever been.  Pounds weren't falling off like rain, but I was feeling so much better, it didn't matter.

Then it hit: pneumonia.

Just weeks before the race (and the week of my birthday, dern it!) I got pneumonia.  Horrible for the otherwise healthy, debilitating to the asthmatic.  I never got to complete my 5K.  I started the battle of my mind again... and this time I lost.  (I did end up running a "Fun Run" in March, but that was the first and only time I was able to do a race.)

Just like WW, I tried to restart my exercise routine over and over again to ultimately do nothing but stop it.

Which leads us to now.  I'm ready.  I need something, but I don't even know what it is.  Well, I kinda do, but I'm not sure how to get there on my own.  Dan and I had a "Come to Jesus" Meeting last night which resulted in both of us up on the treadmill this morning.  (Not at the same time, but that would be fun, huh?)  I'm journaling what I eat.  I'm drinking water.  And I need your help.

Who wants to do this with me?  Y'all know I work better in community.  I know I need help and support.  I've had conversations with at least 5 of you I can think of right now who have said "I'll do something with you" or "we'll walk together" or "I need this too"... but now I'm putting the ball back in your court.  Let's make this online community really work.  Comment/message/FB me, whatever.  We'll figure out what works for us.  Want to rejoin WW together?  I'll do it.  Want to exercise with me?  I'm game.  Want to have an online message board where we do it all virtually?  You name it, I'm in.

I'm headed back toward the "Getting Healthy Wagon" with or without you... I'd just rather it be with you.

Please?

10 comments:

Kristen said...

I hear ya, sister! I tried to be better with water a few weeks ago, but my accountability peeps died off. I did just buy the Zumba kit and anxiously await its arrival. I will be the white one with no rhythm, but hey- it will be in my own living room. You are more than welcome to shake your booty with me, if you like. :) Oh, and I wouldn't be a good Juice Plus+ distributor if I didn't take this opportunity to help you take the step to a healthier you by offering you the opportunity to get some JP+! :D

Kristen said...

www.fillthegap-juiceplus.com

LAHO said...

Oh Becky, how I wish we were neighbors (I think that often, but definitely in response to this post). I too am REALLY FOR REAL THIS TIME back on the wagon as of yesterday. I too want to STICK with something for once! I know you can do it, I've seen you do lots of things that you put your mind to. If you end up doing some online forum or anything, include me! I'd love to be healthy with you. And remember... you are so beautiful no matter your size - let's be HEALTHY! :-) love ya.

Jaime said...

I just joined the Women's Wellness gym in W-S and go about 3 or 4 times a week for about 1.5 hours. They have awesome classes: Zumba, Hip Hop, Belly Dancing and all the regular classes too. For me, if I'm paying for something I am damn well going to go and get my money's worth. Sadly, that's what keeps me motivated to go there. And when I leave feeling so good and healthy, there's added incentive. Is that something you'd be interested in? I am a Weight Watchers lifetime member --- it is hard to stay on track. It's exhausting to count points. But for me, the fact that you can eat anything you want as long as you count it, sold me on the program. I can't cut out whole food groups. You know the drill - you've been there several times before but I think the WW way of life is the most sustainable. We will walk with you any day you want!

Erin said...

I joined WW with my mom here in W-S just before Easter. It's taken me this long, but this past Saturday I finally reached my goal (14 lbs lost). Seven months. For 14 pounds. My mom has lost 22 so far. To say I had moments of frustration would be to speak the truth.

I'm with you sister!

Erin said...

I joined WW with my mom here in W-S just before Easter. It's taken me this long, but this past Saturday I finally reached my goal (14 lbs lost). Seven months. For 14 pounds. My mom has lost 22 so far. To say I had moments of frustration would be to speak the truth.

I'm with you sister!

sherri said...

I so need to join weight watchers again.

mamacarson said...

HI Becky, What a brave and honest post! I'm certainly no expert, but that never stops me from doling out advice :)
I would say definitely get a work-out buddy or two or five to help keep you motivated. I really enjoy doing classes since I know if I go to a class, I will actually be exercising (with a perky cheerleader-type instructor cheering me on) for an entire hour. If left to my own devices, I will play with my ipod and half-ass it on the treadmill for 30 minutes.
Also DON'T STOP cooking!! You and Dan need to take turns wowing each other with awesome, tasty, healthy meals. Buy some fun new healthy cookbooks or check some out at the library. You could even do low-calorie cooking classes with a gal pal.
The most important thing is not to go on a crazy, strict diet that you won't stick with for the long haul. Change your lifestyle and eating habits and keep at it forever. Cheat every so often. A life without an occasional slice of cake just seems joy-less. All good things in moderation.

Renee said...

OK, I am coming over with some hoops. When is a good time for you? I can bring them at lunch or before dinner time. (I am really not trying to finagle my way into a free meal with you -- it's just that those are the times I can swing by.)

Hooping burns 400 - 600 calories per hour with no impact on your joints and I don't feel as winded when I hoop as opposed to running.

This is extreme, but Turkish dance got me to a lower weight than WW. It does involve grueling practices, colorful satin harem pants and traveling around the East coast to perform in front of crowds, but it is an option. Plus, you look more Turkish than I do. I have some videos on fb if you want to see what it looks like.

I am happy to take this walk with you. I have a ways to go myself and I need someone to be accountable to. Let's do this thing.

Sarah said...

Umm...Body Gospel? No thank you. http://faiththroughhearing.blogspot.com/2010/10/body-gospel.html